Convoluted journey

This morning I cancelled the weekly tour of Buddha Garden and went with Rajan to the Collectors Office in Villapuram to try and get David's death certificate. The journey there took much longer than expected because of the congested traffic and when we got there we were told that we had come to the wrong place. Death certificates are done in Vanur and I need the special piece of paper from the Village administrative office that the police had told us about. So there was nothing for it but to make the long hot journey back although thank goodness there wasn't so much traffic so it was a much shorter journey.

Tomorrow Rajan is going to go to the Village Administrative Office for me to see what he can do, although I don't hold out too much hope. 

David's ashes

This morning I took David's ashes and scattered some of them around Jalabhoumi. Given that the place seems to be coming alive with the birds and animals who come for the water and with the trees we are going to plant as soon as it starts raining, I thought it was the best place to do it. Walking around the edge of the pond I managed to fall over – its where the clay is extremely slippery – and got my knees and feet covered with mud.

Later I went and bought a bag at a shop in the Visitors Centre as I thought it would be easier than getting a box. I really love what this one looks and feels like and of course it is made in Auroville. It meant that I emptied the pot in which the ash has been kept in these last months – something else I have emptied in the last few days.

Tomorrow Rajan and I are going to go to the Villapuram government office to try and get a death certificate. If we are not able to do so then I have decided to take the ashes anyway with the papers that we have got. If its not enough – too bad – and they will have to deal with it. I feel I have done my best.

Shifting stuff

This is a picture of a load of stuff that I took to the Free store this morning. Mostly it comes from clearing out my wardrobe but also includes stuff left by volunteers and others. I feel so glad to get rid of it at last.

While there I happened to bump into a therapist who is willing to talk to me about my depression. I think I will write to her this weekend and hope I can see her before I leave next week. I think it has got to the point where I need some external input to help me shift internally.

The face of my depression

I am posting this on Saturday as I didn't manage to get around to it yesterday. This is the image I have of what my depression feels like.

Ashes in my mouth and hollow inside.

Good in parts but also bad!

Have had rather a rough day today and am feeling depressed as I write this. In one case someone phoned me up about what I think is a stupid conflict and I just said that I couldn't (more like wouldn't) help her. I felt that I don't want to waste my time on it as it is one of those conflicts that has been rumbling on under the surface for years and years and no one is using it to learn anything about themselves or the situation. In the second case I said something that sounded as if I was going to come and take over some farming that this person has been doing on behalf of the farm group with very little support. Not surprisingly he was quite upset and I don't think really believed that this isn't what I want to do. I know I intimidate people but at the moment I feel really exasperated that I upset everyone and am not accepted as I am.

I went shopping in Pondy this morning as I don't want to leave everything until the last minute as I fear that I may be running around after David's death certificate. It wasn't too bad and I got two pairs of chappels for Emma and Rachael as well as a pair of strong sandals for myself. I think going in the morning was better than going in the evening and hopefully I will be able to sleep all right tonight.

I just hope the depression does not get so bad that it keeps me awake. I must hang on to the fact that I have tried to do some damage control of the two situations I provoked this morning and hopefully that will have helped.........

Feeling bad

Have felt really bad today, mainly because someone in a report on AVNet tried to make out that I was acting incorrectly with Auroville land. The picture is how I felt as I wrote a reply to him. It gave me a bad stomach ache.

I have been feeling that the universe may be saying that I should move on to something else as I do not seem to have the support I need in Auroville. I am accused of taking my own decisions and doing my own thing in the Farm group and now I am accused, in front of the whole community, of playing fast and loose with Auroville land.

Pierre thinks it is in the stars as he is having a hard time as well. So perhaps I shouldn't take things too personally. I wish I felt more positive though.

Both of us

This morning I rushed off after work to see Yuval to get a hair cut. I had phoned him yesterday and as he happened to be doing several people this morning he said he would do my hair as well provided I got there by 9.30am. Its a rush for me to get there at that time but and I wondered whether I would be able to do it as I thought we would be going to the village administrative offices to get David's death certificate. But last night the British High Commission said that they might be able to get an undertaker in Chennai to get the death certificate so this morning I decided I didn't need to go to the offices and could have my hair done instead.

I am really pleased with the result and feel that I am now on the count down to go to the UK. Especially as Rajan has printed out my air and train tickets. Emma sent me pictures of Sam and I thought it would be nice to have a picture of both of us.