The burial

Goodbye Kim. I hope you find rest and peace.

We are still crying

Another grey and cold day as if the place is still crying for Kim. Her husband came today and I have spent most of my day going around with him. Got very annoyed with the police who kept going on about how he must inform the family. Husband explained how complicated her family is but felt compelled to comply and phoned up her 15 year old daughter as we were on the way to the Town Hall to talk to the WC. He used her mother's phone, tried to get her father's phone number but she wouldn't give it to him so he just baldly told her that her mother had committed suicide. Then he broke down and became rather short. Fortunately she was staying with friends who then took over.

Poor child. The police seem more concerned with covering their own backsides and getting off on time and don't seem very sensitive. They were struggling with the language because he doesn't speak Tamil and he got quite annoyed at how they kept asking him the same questions again and again. He is also very tired and grief stricken.

A terrible day

Pierre came to my house this morning with Simon who had gone to see Kim and found her dead body instead. She had hanged herself. I went to see and it was horrible. She must have been there for several days and her body was very swollen, distorted and smelly.

It has been a day of dealing with everything that such an event entails. Talking to Auroville security, the police and filling out innumerable forms and finding the forms of everyone staying in Buddha Garden. She has a husband, who is coming tomorrow, and a 15 year old daughter in Australia who will have to be told at some point. Maybe I will do it with her husband tomorrow.......

It seems that she probably died the night of the 25^th and I wonder if some of the intense feelings of depression and sadness that I experienced on that day came from her. It has been a grey and rainy day, as if the whole place is crying for Kim.

High highs and low lows

A day of highs and lows. Was very upset indeed to find that several volunteers had made a big fire in the middle of the stone circle to cook some food. I have told them so many times that if they want to light a fire, then they should use the designated fire place. Not only did they not use the fire place, but they used some of the special stones in the fire so they are all black. And of course none of them cleared up afterwards so there is now a horrible pile of ash and other rubbish in the middle of the stone circle.

This afternoon a friend rang and said that she had a present for me. We met at Pitanga and she gave me this packet with instructions to 'keep it safe'. It was only much later when I got back that I found she had given me Rs25,000 for Buddha Garden.

I was overwhelmed and speechless.

With Ashok

Things more or less back to normal and had a nice dinner out with Ashok when we had a good conversation together.

Christmas day

We worked today, even Pierre who said he was not going to work but ended up on fire because the Visitors Centre had asked for 4kg of lettuce today. The morning was fine with a lot of work getting done and then a special breakfast and 'secret Santa' organised by one of the volunteers.

Afterwards it was really nice just to come and quietly work on my computer, but I felt incredibly sad. I suppose because I was missing my family, especially the grandchildren. At the same time my stomach began to feel very upset and sore.

I have tried just to feel it, but at times it has felt overwhelming almost too much to bear. Spending time reaching out to people I wanted to contact seemed to ease it a bit, even when they have not replied. I still do not feel very happy and as if what I am doing here is not worth very much yet depends too much on me. Oh dear. I will be grateful for the sparks of joy which I know are around and within me if I look and really see what is going on.

The picture is my Christmas corner which I did despite the feelings of sadness. 

Clearing out

Eco-service came, at last, and took away all our rubbish. Huge amounts of glass (mostly alcohol bottles) and a very large amount of cigarette butts given that we are supposed to be a smoke free place! I feel really pleased that it is now clean and tidy and I am going to make a big effort to ensure that it stays like that. Rajan has suggested that we tidy it up once a week and I think that is a very good idea.

Pierre doesn't want to work tomorrow and in response I told him about how I see work in Buddha Garden. That it is the focus of what we do here and something that we do together to create something for our basic needs. That I want to celebrate it tomorrow with working together and then a special breakfast.  Lets see if he feels he can come when it is like that.

The sun came out today and as a result the idea for the new embroidery has developed. I don't want to draw it just yet, but I am going to call it 'the return of the sun to put light in dark corners'. I feel there has been a clearing out and with that new energy is coming in.