What is my work?

This is another of those pictures that I recently found that I painted in 2003 although they relate to how I was feeling when I first came to Auroville. I remember being quite confused by all the different work possibilities that were available, having a lot of people ask me to help them and not knowing what to do. In the end I decided to do what made my heart sing and that was what led me into farming and Buddha Garden.

'What is my work?' is a question that I am frequently asking myself these days after all the problems I have had with people in the Farm group. I still really enjoy the practical work in Buddha Garden although others have now, quite rightly, taken over some of the management and administration. I thought my work was to do more within the Farm group in terms of administration and representation, but without the support of the group I don't want to do it. I don't want to deal with a lot of hostility as well as the difficulties of actually doing the job.

So what is my work now? More of the same of what I am doing now in Buddha Garden? Or something different? Or somewhere else? It isn't clear at all. So I continue what I am doing.

Cactus flowers

This is the season of cactus flowers and we have two different varieties in flower at the moment. Seeing them reminded me of this poem that I wrote about them a long time ago:

LESSON

The cactus does not curse the sun

But grows a thick skin, thick with

Spikes to shield her

Inner core.

The cactus does not mourn the drought

But gladly greets the dew,

Absorbing its precious drops

Of moist coolness.

Thus she takes the moment

To create dawn flowers of

White pristine freshness

In a husk dry world.

And when they shrivel as the sun climbs

She does not blame the heat or bewail

Their transient beauty, but releases them,

Freely, to the baking earth.

And turning inward, she rests in the

Dark secret roots of her fecundity.

July 3^rd 02

A lesson I would do well to remember at this time when I feel so out of sorts.

Another poster

We have had the notice boards repaired and so I thought we needed some new posters. I am having five posters re-printed but thought I should make a new one about the latest work we have done in Buddha Garden. This is it.

Everything seems a lot of work at the moment and I had to push quite hard through the initial inertia although once I got going it wasn't too bad. Is it the hot humid weather? Or is it my depression that seems to sap the life out of doing anything? Probably its a combination of both things and I will just have to move slowly through it as best I can.

Do I have to be here?

This is one of the pictures that I found on Sunday which reminded me so much of what happened when I first came to Auroville. Like the other picture I posted two days ago this picture describes what happened when I first came to Auroville although it was painted much later in 2003. It shows what happened when I stood at the entrance to New Creation with Emma and Rachael. It looked really horrible with all the rubbish laying around outside as it was where a lot of the Pondy garbage was dumped so the farmers could use it on their fields. Which was fine when most of the garbage was organic and would make a sort of compost but was a disaster ever since the plastic had been included.

I had come from a beautiful and quiet place in Kodaikanal and here I was at the hot and rubbish strewn entrance to New Creation. I remember looking up and asking the question 'Do I really have to be here?  Is this really my place?' and the answer coming back strong and clear 'Yes you do.  Yes it is'

Today and many days since, I am still asking the same question after a very depressing Farm group meeting this morning. There was such a lot of manipulation going on and no responsibility being taken for group decisions that had been taken. If we aren't willing to take responsibility for and learn from our mistakes how can we ever make things better?  And when there is little or no good will and the discussion is being manipulated on behalf of certain individuals rather than trying to find a solution for everyone involved, how can this be part of what we are supposed to be doing here?

Do I really have to be here?  Of course I know I can leave if I want to, but I could spend the rest of my life looking around for the perfect place to manifest the new consciousness.  Because its not whether its comfortable or not for me to be here that is the issue,  but whether the challenges help me to grow in a positive way.  And if the new consciousness is going to really change anything then it has to be possible for me to access it anywhere so that it doesn't matter where I am.

Tons of cashews

This hot weather signals that it is cashew season and lots of them have been finding their way to Buddha Garden where Pierre will process and package them. This is the third year we have been doing this and Pierre does seem to have learnt a lot and found the most easy and efficient process.

The first job is always to dry the nuts in the sun and this picture is of the two tons that have already been dried and can go into store. According to Pierre there is only one more ton to go, but they haven't arrived yet.

Important remembering

I am very pleased at the amount of clearing up I have done to day getting rid of the last of the spoiled pictures which needed to be thrown away. While going through them I came across some images which I think have something to say to me today. This image was what I had when I went to Matrimandir for the first time when the message was that however painful it is I have to keep my heart open. The picture was created some years after I had arrived in Auroville and Buddha Garden but the image was still very potent.

Seeing it today reminded me of what was happening then and now. How upset I was at what had happened in the other community and yet how I was being asked to keep my heart open.

At this time when I feel myself getting cynical and critical about what has happened perhaps keeping my heart open is the only way to deal with it and keep my humanity. 

Packing up

I felt so pleased with myself today after giving the kitchen a good clean first thing this morning and at last packing up all the family papers that I am going to send to the UK. This is the box into which they have been put.

I started to wrap up the box and realised that I couldn't lift it because it was so heavy! If I couldn't lift it I thought the people at the Post Office might also have problems and Emma would need the car to go and fetch it at the other end. Rajan (who managed to pick it up with some difficulty) weighed it for me and it was 21kg. I then went to the Post Office, fortunately not taking the box with me, who told me that this weighed too much as the limit is 20kg and the parcel must not be more than 1 X 1 X 1 metres in size.

So there the papers still sit until I decide how to send them in smaller packages. I wonder if I should ask Emma to send me some of those plastic mail sacks that you can get in the UK. They are extremely tough and its what I used to send David's papers back to the UK. I think it will be really difficult to find boxes of the right size.