A positive voice at the wedding

I felt so depressed yesterday I didn't get around to doing any pictures although I did go for a cycle ride and to a yoga class after which I felt a bit better.

Today early in the morning we went to Rajan's wedding ceremony. He had a reception last night but with 1000 people invited I didn't feel like going. I don't like being in big crowds any more. As all Indian weddings are, it was a very colourful and symbolic ceremony with Rajan, Sangeetha and their families on a stage and everyone else sitting and watching. Trying to take pictures was a nightmare – as the above picture shows! 

Unfortunately my camera is only a little point and shoot with a not very powerful zoom so that all the good pictures of the couple are rather grainy.

Still, it gives an idea of the colour and the rituals and both of them were much less wooden that I have observed at other such ceremonies. In this picture Sangeetha is actually smiling which very few brides seem to do. As always the loud traditional music put me into another dimension.

After the wedding I spoke with Vinu, a long term volunteer from last year, who is now working in Chennai. He said how much he appreciated that Buddha Garden was there and was doing something different. At the moment he is in the process of learning how to support himself and doing all those practical things but I felt that he is inspired to do something different when the time is right for him to do it.

Yesterday I was ready to give up and go somewhere else, but it is as if encouragement has been given to me to carry on. I want to make a difference to the world and Buddha Garden enables me to do that.

Ganesha's birthday

Got up to find an SMS from Pierre to say that he wasn't coming in to work today. Since it is Ganesh's birthday a lot of people do have the day off, but seeing how things are in the garden I don't think we can afford to take time off now when there is so much to do and the weather is right for a lot of work which we cannot do at other times of the year. Yesterday I had said as much to Sivakala who wanted to have the day off but finally agreed to come and make breakfast. I felt bad that Pierre thought he could just take the day off with no discussion.

And what a breakfast! I had told Sivakala there was no need to make anything special but she did anyway in honour of Ganesh. Fortunately Pierre changed his mind so that we had enough people to do all the necessary jobs. I even managed to finish all the grass cutting after breakfast.

A grey fog

Have been feeling a bit like the grey sky today.

I am frequently exasperated by other people and there feels to be little joy in my life.

New hair cut!

Had a lovely hair cut today which not only helped me feel more relaxed but also seemed to make my head feel much lighter. Must have been more psychological than physical as there wasn't that much hair came off.

I'm very glad indeed to be feeling better even although there is a bit of residual soreness and my stomach is still rather upset from the antibiotics.

Restorative yoga

This is the first yoga class I have done for two months. It was restorative yoga which is nice and relaxing and I had a very good night's sleep afterwards.

Had a dreadful time trying to create this picture – the drawing just wouldn't go right and I don't know why. So have ended up with this stick figure which at least has a feeling of relaxation about it. I wonder if the stick figure is saying something about how drained I am.....

New glasses and a new project

Felt I had more energy today so this afternoon went into Pondy. The picture shows the new glasses I got to replace the ones that Sam broke while I was in the UK. I didn't want to buy new lenses as I have not had them for very long and they were very expensive. The man in the shop could only find one where the existing frames fitted. At Rs3,500 they were more expensive than I expected but even at Rs13,500 they would be a bargain if I didn't have to pay for new lenses.

While in Pondy I bought some more embroidery silk – some of it very shiny for a hanging that I am going to make for Sam. The idea has been evolving for some time and I intend to buy the material this week so I can make a start next weekend. I'm so glad to have a bit of enthusiasm for something.

Putting one foot in front of the other

Have almost finished the medication which badly affected my stomach but which seems to have mostly cleared up the infection thank goodness. Got huge boils on my gum and although they are now gone I have got to have them checked out and must sort out getting an ultrasound scan. There is a little residual soreness which I hope will clear up with vitamin tablets and yoga which at last I feel like doing.

There are other jobs I have got to get done in Pondy, one of them being getting new glasses frames to replace the ones that Sam pulled apart. It was the day before I left and he was in a funny mood and I think affected by the not so positive atmosphere.

I have coloured my hair and caught up with the backlog of this blog. Every since I have been back in Auroville I have felt that all I could do was put one foot in front of the other dealing with all the difficulties and especially the pain of the infection. I think I need to look after myself in the next week or so and not rush around and try to do too much.

Hopefully I will now start feeling more positive about my work in Buddha Garden and being in Auroville.  Hopefully it will become clear as to where I belong.

Look like a lop sided hampster

Have had a terrible two days trying to get treatment for what is probably an infected salivary gland. Went to the hospital on Tuesday and was asked to get an ultrasound. Went to the ultrasound department and waited for hours in pain and when it was clear that they couldn't see me I got an appointment for Friday.

When I woke up the next day the pain and swelling were much worse so I went back to the hospital. Tried once again to get an ultrasound but once again after waiting hours I decided it would be better to get one from one of the X-ray places in Pondy. I managed to get a prescription which the hospital couldn't fulfil so dear Rajan went and got the medicines for me from Pondy.

Hopefully I will now start to feel better but I don't think it was good having to wait so long for treatment.

Very sore mouth

Had a very bad night last night because it felt as if there were red hot pokers being stuck into my right lower jaw. I was convinced it was something to do with my teeth, but X-rays showed that there is nothing wrong with them. It is probably an infected salivary gland which will have to be looked at in the hospital.

I am in considerable pain despite taking pain killers and it was impossible to work.

Getting my room to rights

I arrived at my place on Thursday to find that I had a whole lot of my stuff to organise. Before I left I had packed everything away so that various jobs could be done. The place was fairly clean but inevitably there was more cleaning to do and things to sort out. Although Rajan has repaired the sink he has done so by re-routing the waste pipe to a ghastly hole beside the house. I cannot understand why he has not made a soak away as if it stays like that it will get full of smelly water in the monsoon and become a mosquito nursery. He said he was worried about snakes, but I have never heard of snakes being attracted to such holes and in any case that is surely a reason to fill the hole up by making a proper soak away.

Finally I have got the room organised although unfortunately I feel too tired to do anything and my teeth are starting to ache.

Back in India

This picture shows me touching down in India. When I got my luggage I found that one of the little feet had come off so it wouldn't stand up properly.

I think my last case got damaged during the journey and now this one as well. Fortunately Lesley does not need it back.

A strong full moon

There was a particularly bright and strong full moon tonight. This picture shows more of the energy of the moon rather than what it looked like through my bedroom window.

Packing up has been rather traumatic as the frame of the beautiful new case that I bought got bumped somewhere and distorted so that it wouldn't close. Lesley has very kindly given me her old case which is not only slightly larger, but is also a soft case that has an expansion panel. I could easily get everything inside it that I needed to take with me.

I do not feel that I have been able to answer the question 'where do I belong?' It seems clear that coming back to be with grandchildren is not my path and I don't know of anywhere else to go. So I will return to India and see how I feel.

Back to London

Thinking about going back to London and this is a picture of the meal we had before I went.

Before I came to Manchester I had the idea that perhaps it was time for me to come back to the UK and become more involved with the life of my grandchildren. It seems though, that this is not where I belong as I feel very tense around Sam and worried that I will inadvertently do something that his parents don't like.

Much better that I put some distance between us and I get on with my life and leave them to get on with their's – at least for the time being.

A week in Manchester

Sunday August 10th

Had a week in Manchester that was unfortunately overshadowed by an argument with Emma's husband. I was playing with Sam making a mandala of stones which he felt was somehow imposing my spiritual beliefs onto Sam. It was of course ridiculous as although mandalas can have varying spiritual significance they can also just be designs within a circle. I felt very depressed about it all and have to remind myself with these pictures that we did have fun together.

I really enjoyed seeing the school in Sheffield where Rachael starts work in September. It was lovely to hear the passion with which she approaching her first teaching job. I am very proud of her.

Leaving France

Back to the London leaving from Agen station.  Dirk and I spent some time contemplating why it was 

thought necessary to have this modern building tacked onto the front of what is a rather stately 

nineteenth century station.  According to Dirk it took two years to build, during which the station was very disrupted, but why bother when what is already there looks so good?

During my time in France I have felt that I have been not only in another country but in another universe with another way of being.  It has been good being with Dirk and fun to do things together.  Despite both our fears  of being together in such a small space and whether we would fight or not we managed to get 

along together quite harmoniously.

A walk around the cemetery

This morning we went for a walk around the extensive Agen cemetery.  There were huge elaborate 

memorials and little houses, often belonging to a family which I feel were sometimes very over 

decorated.  

In all that decoration these very simple graves, for all the soldiers from Agen who had died during various French wars, stood out.

Back to Agen

Had a very luxurious ride back to Agen on the boat where I felt like a real lady of leisure as I didn’t have to do ANYTHING!  Until we got back to Agen of course where I had to get lunch if I wanted something as Dirk does only the minimum of cooking twice a day.

Had a very interesting walk around Agen which is full of both medieval and more modern buildings as 

well as a very modern bridge over the Garonne.  This time we walked over the aqueduct where I saw a 

huge vegetable garden where someone must have been growing all their own vegetables.  It looked very well looked after and productive.

Cycling to Auvillar

Dirk managed to borrow a folding bicycle so we could both cycle together to Auvillar - a medieval town at the top of one of the nearby hills.  I was glad to be cycling with Dirk as I don’t like cycling with other faster traffic and on the right hand side of the road as I still haven’t got used to it.  Jimmy travelled in the basket and was very good about staying there unless told he could get out.

We left our bikes at the bottom of the hill and I got quite out of breath walking up the extremely steep path, but it was worth it.  There are extensive views of the Garonne valley at the top as well as very arresting medieval buildings.  We looked in the church which is a stopping place on the campostello pilgrimage 

route and saw this beautiful window.

A relaxing day

It was very difficult to know which picture to choose today.  We walked around Valence which is a really 

beautiful place with old buildings, a cathedral, fountains and several market squares.  Everywhere I 

pointed my camera there seemed to be a good picture.

Finally I decided on this picture taken while walking along the canal path.  Somehow it seems to express

the peacefulness that was around at that time of the day.

July 27th

Off to Valence

This is a picture of Dirk driving us to Valence on the boat.  This is where Jimmy sits when it is wet and cold as it was the morning.  Otherwise he goes up on deck.

It took most of the morning as we had to go through several locks and by the time we arrived the sun had come out.

Rain, mud and some sun

Woke up to a grey day and very unseasonal rain which meant that in the morning we were confined to the boat.  Which gave us a good space to talk and catch up with each other.

Later we went on a very muddy walk along the hills above Agen.  I was amazed at the size of the cemetery which was spread over the sides of three small hills by the town.  We also went past fields of sunflowers which looked beautiful although I wondered how much of the seed was taken by birds.  We can’t grow 

sunflowers in Buddha Garden because the parrots would eat all the seeds.

Off to France

The first night in France - in Agen - which is a beautiful place with many old buildings.  Dirk and I walked around for a bit and  I was very taken with the clouds of water droplets which come out of a line of poles 

down the main street. - they are very refreshing and of course the kids love them.  Agen has many 

beautiful buildings as well as an old aquaduct built in the middle of the nineteenth century which looks very fine indeed.  

This is a picture of Dirk's boat which is called 'the Ampesan' which is the name of the first boat he sailed on after he left school and became a mess boy.  Ampesan is a place in Indonesia.  The boat was probably built as a tug boat for use in a harbour and then had the living quarters put on the top during the 1960's, although this is all speculation as the boat didn't have papers until the 1980's. 

Originally I was a bit worried that it was rather small but all three of us (Dirk, me and the dog JImmy) have managed to find our spaces and settle down together OK.

July 24th