Beautiful feeling

Today Rajan brought someone to cut down the work trees in the Jalabhoomi area of Buddha Garden. 'Jalabhoomi' means 'land of water' in Sanskrit and is the place where we have recently done a lot of earth works so when the rains come we will keep the water on the land so that it percolates down to the aquifer under the ground.

So called 'work' trees are a type of acacia which are very good pioneering trees but which are not indigenous to this area. We have taken them out to give more room to the indigenous trees to grow our own little patch of the indigenous tropical dry evergreen forest.

I planted the trees in this picture fourteen years ago close to what used to be a well. Now when it is so hot they give shade and I find this little patch of trees very beautiful.

Simple joys

Had such a horrible day yesterday with one crisis followed by another that I didn't have the time - or more importantly the energy - to create a picture. I couldn't think of anything that would express how I felt.

Then this morning we were clearing a bed of sweet corn stalks and a volunteer spontaneously started juggling with three of the cobs. It felt so simple a joyful and was a real tonic for my very battered self.

Navigating my way

Nothing is very clear at the moment. I have realised that I am more hurt and less resilient than I thought about what has happened to me in the last weeks. I also realise that navigating my way through this is going to take longer than I thought and it may be some time before I am clear about the way forward.

In the meantime I have to be patient, move slowly and pay attention to what is around me as well as what is within my known and unknown consciousness.

Moving around

Have spent a lot of the day moving to another room which I hope will be cooler than the room I had last night although I know the internet connection is not so good. It has a lovely sitting area overlooking the beach and the sea.

Have spent a lot of time walking around as well as sitting and talking to Daniele, who is setting up the place here, about what is going on. This is a picture of him buying fish from one of the fish wives. Daniele is a hard bargainer but meets his match with the fish wives who are very loud and give as good as they get. It was very amusing and I think they both did well out of it.

At Sri Ma

This is a picture of the room in Sri Ma where I am staying for the weekend. It is in the house which was built by my friends Bob and Jean who now live in the UK. I think it is the room which Bob used to use for his healing work.

I am feeling a bit better today although I don't really know why. Perhaps it is just part of the cycle that I seem to be stuck in at the moment. Or maybe I am really ill. Looking at the pictures over the last month or so I have been very up and down and how I am feeling now is no worse and in some cases better than some of my very down moments over the last weeks.

The upset I experienced was considerable and I wonder if I am expecting myself to recover too quickly. It is also possible that there is a 'new normal' which I need to understand.

Another slump

Another day off today and I am back into yet another slump. My stomach is not good and I feel so tired after a very bad night's sleep. I went to a Somatic movement class last night and seemed to have a bad reaction - muscles burning (and sore in the morning) and different things rolling around in my brain so I couldn't sleep.

I spent most of the day in bed but don't think that anything much has changed.

Heat and dust

When I go out at this time of year everything is very dusty, especially the trees at the side of the road. Sometimes they can look very beautiful - the red dust looking like bronze. But often they just look very droopy and ragged.

I went to Verite this evening and this is a plant near the road although I don't think it expresses the general feel and look of things at this time of year.

The spark

Today I was talking to Gerard, a friend of mine, who has been in Auroville ever since it began 45 years ago. We were talking about the present situation as we saw it and lamenting about some of the things going on here.

Then Gerard smiled (and he has a very big smile) and said that after all these years the best he thinks he has achieved is to kindle a spark of light inside himself and to create a farm. He said he hoped that was enough and as he said it I saw the spark of light under his chin.

I hope that I will manage a spark of light as well!

A shift

Today I played around with some runes and cards with a friend which has led to a shift in how I now see my situation.

I feel that rather than involving myself with challenges and negativity I need to be focusing within on what I deeply care about. This is not to say that I will not get involved with outer challenges but this is not where my development is going to be at this time. If there is negativity then I should see it like clouds that may block the sun for a while but which will eventually be blown away by the wind.

What I need to do right now is cultivate my inner depth of caring, from which an inner radiance will come and move from that space to action in the world. I feel this is what will support my moving along my path and is the most positive way forward.

Plugging the leaks

Over the last weeks we have had so many problems with our water system, often finding ourselves with no water first thing in the morning because the water in the tank had drained away. Yesterday I had to insist that various obvious leaks in the system were dealt with as I felt the problem had gone on long enough. This made things a lot better but it seemed that water was still draining away somewhere.

Rajan then very cleverly found a leak at the bottom of one of the taps where a tree had grown its roots into the pipe. I was so pleased that Rajan came and sorted it out this morning so now we have a leak free water system. Which is much needed in this very hot weather when water is scarce.

I also see this a metaphor for myself. I have to think about how can I plug the energy leaks in myself to ensure that I am not leaking my energy away on things that don't matter.

Stupidly rushing

I planned to have a relaxing afternoon in Pondy, walking around and shopping. As time went on I found myself rushing more and more when there was no need to do as I had plenty of time. I also noticed that I was getting increasingly irritated with shop assistants who had no idea about anything they were selling.

None of this mattered at all. I went for a relaxing time and allowed myself to get swept up into 'must do it quickly' mode which made me very irritated when things like dozy shop assistants got in my way.

Sometimes I am my own worst enemy!

Some light and joy

Had a not very good morning, feeling once again rather irritated with the volunteers and pushing hard to get the water system mended so that we don't keep running out of water in the morning. Then I had to sort something out with Bala about the website, during which I got very annoyed with the slow and intermitten internet. It seems that our wireless internet system is going to be closed down at the end of the month and it is very unclear what we can get instead. Rajan has looked at another wireless system but it is extremely expensive. I will explore the possibility of a cable but I don't think that is very likely either.

I didn't feel very good when I went to lunch with Isabelle where we talked, amongst other things, about the new vision for the Green group that I am going to coordinate for the next six months. I had a feeling that despite doing very different things I felt very in tune with her.

As I came away it was as if a light had suddenly shined through or over the clouds - very much as in the picture.

Fuzzy cloud

This morning I woke up feeling that I was on top of everything, that I was feeling better, was enjoying myself etc etc. Then things happened and it was as if I were in a cloud. The things I had to do felt a terrible burden, people irritated me and I had no patience with anyone or any thing.

At such times, which seem to be coming in regular cycles, it seems that life is no better and I am still stuck in a slough of despond. I don't actually feel depressed but everything I do seems very hard work with very little joy.

I don't know how to get myself out of it except to move forward step by step with as much energy as I can muster. To be grateful for what I do have.

Pushing the mountain

At work this morning I felt as if were pushing a mountain and this picture describes exactly how I felt.

Thinking about it I realise that I set myself up for it by asking a particular volunteer to work with a group when I know he doesn't really have the capacity to do it. I keep hoping he will learn and I try to teach him, but so far with little success. He doesn't seem to be able to take responsibility for anyone other than himself and doesn't seem to be able to organise people.

So why do I keep asking him to do it?? It doesn't help me at all!

Its as if I am creating my own mountain.

Snake hunt

Pierre found a snake in the cashew store room this morning so first job was to take everything out of the room. Fortunately that wasn't too much of a job as the cashew season has only just started. Then Rajan went and drove the snake out.

It was a rather small and diffident looking snake considering that it was poisonous and so needed to be got rid of.

Despite Rajan and Pierre going after it with sticks it hid somewhere and wouldn't come out. So we are hoping that with the dogs around it will understand that it has to go somewhere else.

We are keeping the store room door firmly closed so that it doesn't go back inside with the cashew sacks.

Irritation

I have been back in Buddha Garden for just over an hour and already I am irritated!

Today is Tamil New Year and it seems that most of the so called 'services' have got the day off, supposedly because it is a holiday for the local people. This includes our so called 'community kitchen' - how can it be a real community kitchen when it keeps having days off?

I think what annoys me is that we depend on local people so much for the things we need. Surely this isn't a good thing for somewhere that is supposed to be self sustaining; surely we should be doing more of the work ourselves. Once again though, I seem to be on my own feeling like this.

I have to remember that the only thing I can change is myself and stop being disappointed by what I see around me. Probably everyone else is trying to do their best as much as me.

Moving freely

This is how I felt after the course finished. We did a wonderful series of movements about walking, after which I felt I was walking moving all my joints, bones and muscles very freely. It felt wonderful.

I feel ready to move forward.

quietly in Quiet

I am writing this at the end of the first day of the course in Quiet. I have really enjoyed myself despite the problems with the electricity (non existent for most of the afternoon)and it being very hot and sweaty. I think this course is what I really needed as it is giving me tools for looking after my body better as I get older.

This is the view from my window in Quiet. There is now very little sand left on the beach so all the fishing boats are crowded in front of quiet. In an effort to keep as much sand as possible the village have built a sea wall that starts just to the left of the picture. The problem is that any action taken by an individual settlement to keep the sand on their beach makes it worse for everyone else further down the coast.

To solve the problem a cooperative approach is necessary, but in the absence of this you can't fault people trying to do what they can for themselves, even if it does make it worse for everyone else.

Getting more than I expected!

Today I have been on a roller coaster which I think the picture expresses pretty well.

This morning I was beginning to wonder if I was going to get my weekend away in Quiet that was supposed to be starting today. I found out that Rajan couldn't come in to do the watering on Sunday and that there were various other jobs that weren't going to be covered. I was seriously wondering whether I would have to cancel the weekend and was feeling very resentful about it. I have not had a day off for six months and with everything that has happened in the last few weeks it is obvious that I need some time off. It felt so unfair, but then life is unfair sometimes.....

When Rajan arrived, however, it seemed that he didn't need extra time off for his wedding arrangements and that he can find someone to come and do the watering on Sunday. It is Tamil New Year on Monday April 14th and as it seems that everything is shutting down we decided to have a day off as well. This means that we are having a long weekend when I can spend an extra day at Quiet!

After thinking at first that I would have cancel my weekend it now seems that I am getting more than I asked for. I feel SO pleased and grateful.

Fabulous peas!

I don't eat peas very often as they don't grow in this climate and the ones I see on sale in shops often don't look very appetising. I was therefore amazed when I went to Foodlink this morning and found some organically grown peas that had come from a farm in the mountains near Ooty.

I bought a lot of them and shelled them and this is what they look like. They tasted delicious - as good as the peas I remember eating as a child which I used to pick in our garden.

Cuteness personified!

Over the last few days when I have been feeling so depressed Emma has been sending me lots of cute pictures of Sam.  It has really helped to cheer me up!

I love this one where he is playing SO intensely.  Already he seems to be able to concentrate very well!

Need to flow and express

I was so upset last night that I found it very difficult to sleep and felt very depressed.  Things changed this morning when I decided to answer to what I thought was wrong even if it didn't make any difference.  I felt much better and the depression has lifted.

It is obvious to me that I need to allow my inner feelings to flow and that I can do this even although I do not have any official work in the Farm group at the moment.  At the very least I can just do it for myself.  This also enables me to be 'in the flow' of what is going on where I am.

O me miserum!

I am feeling REALLY depressed.  Somehow everything is getting on top of me and I feel I have no one to talk to about it.  In the picture I am crying but in fact I feel as if I cannot cry and there is a huge stone in my stomach.  Perhaps it would be better if I could cry....

I don't feel there is anyone I can talk to about it or will help me.  I feel completely isolated.

Welcome breeze

It is getting very hot and this morning was incredibly humid. Then suddenly just before lunch there is a delicious breeze that blows off the sea. I just stood there with my arms outstretched just letting the coolness of the wind - at least it is still cool at this time of the year - caress every part of my body.

Lovely, lovely breeze.... 

Uncoiling

During my yoga class I suddenly felt this very deep relaxation.  Unusually I slept very well after the class and made this picture this morning.

It feels as if I am uncoiling inside and something that has been very tight for a long time has loosened.

Through a dirty window

Another doodle really, but one that seems to express what life is like for me right now.  As if I am viewing everything through a dirty window.

I went to a meeting this morning with someone who quite unusually was more helpful than normal.  Instead of feeling grateful I immediately wondered what was in it for him.... I realise that I am still full of bile and resentment at the treatment I have received and it is going to take some time for this to resolve.

In the meantime I must look after myself and not allow these negative feelings to eat me up from the inside.  I have some positive ideas and have support for trying to implement them in the next six months.  I did my best and it didn't work so now I will try something else.

Waiting

I have just downloaded the android version of the Sketch Book Pro software that I use on my PC.  I doodled this drawing on it this morning and thought it gives a good idea of how I am feeling right now.

Pretty happy and waiting to see what develops.....

compost games

We have a large group of volunteers who enjoy fun and games.  We had a delivery of two lots of leaves for compost and one of the volunteers decided to be part of the pile.

Luckily it all happened close to my house so I could run and get my camera, but maybe in future I should carry my camera with me at all times.

Hollowed out

This was how I felt this morning when I woke up - hollowed out with nothing in my centre.

In the picture it looks as if my bed is floating rather than on the floor and there are also patches of light around. 

Maybe I have been hollowed out so that something else can be absorbed.