Where my energy goes.....

I was really upset last night as I just couldn't create a picture.  I doodled around for ages but nothing came and I just felt tired.  This morning I realised how much of my creative energy has been focused on Buddha Garden in the last few weeks.

The picture shows the jobs we did today and it has been like that every day.  We have done a lot more than just keep the place ticking over as we have created new areas to the extent that now nearly all the land of Buddha Garden is growing something.

My wish for the new year is that I have more relaxed time for my creative work and that it doesn't have to be squeezed between all the other work I do.  I haven't written anything for ages and I frequently feel very tired indeed by the time I get to creating my daily picture.

Yet I am pleased that I have kept them both going in the last year and so I recommit myself to making the time each day to carry on with them.

Feeling empty

For the last few days I have been feeling very hungry and hollow.  I am really missing having a special someone in my life.  Which is perhaps exacerbated by the fact that I am communicating with lots of people, but they are mainly people like volunteers or co-workers where I am focusing on getting things done, although often I do enjoy being with them.

I do miss being intimate with someone.  Perhaps David's death has brought this on - this missing of an other.

I have noticed that I keep going on the internet to look at things like new tablets.  Things that I do not need by any stretch of the imagination, but things that I would like to have.  Am I trying to fill myself up with things and food and........? I worry that I am even although I know to do so won't help me feel any better.  Working hard doesn't help either although it does mean I get a lot of work completed!

I should be grateful for the things I have.  I found out today that my money has found its way to my new bank account and there are lots of good things happening in my life.  

So I will try to focus on that rather than try to fill up the hollow within.

Doodle

It has been a frantic day in many ways with an extra trip to Pondy to order some new glasses which will be ready in just over a week.  They have red plastic frames and the only bit of metal is the hinge which the man in the shop said I should oil once a week to stop it rusting.  So hopefully they will be stronger and last longer than the six months that the last ones did.

Despite that I feel strangely relaxed and unpressured this evening.  Maybe it was the yoga class that did it.

This evening was the first time for ages that I got to do some drawing and painting on my tablet.  I enjoyed it SO much just doodling away.  I loved the colours and just letting the pen flow.  In this picture the enjoyment was in the doing rather than in the end result.

Broken glasses as well....

On Christmas Eve I broke a temporary cap on my teeth; today I broke my glasses.  As the picture shows I have managed to cobble something together so I can go on wearing them.  Given they have got so rusty - and probably quite weak - it looks like I will have to have some new frames.  I am going to see if I can get some 'rugged' or 'sports' glasses tomorrow.  I am not sure whether I can get them here so I might have to get them online and prevail upon poor Emma once again to send them to me.

A lot of my things seem to be breaking up......

Christmas bear

I was really pleased to get this picture of Matilda with the bear she made from a kit that I gave her as a Christmas present.  She must have got going on it really fast to finish it so quickly although I expect Rachael helped her do it.

I'm really glad that she liked it.

Christmas in Buddha Garden

With all this and work too, no wonder I am feeling tired!

Its Christmas!

I organised Christmas such a long time ago and as there is very little here to make me feel Christmassy it has crept up on me quite unawares.  I think the volunteers are determined to celebrate Christmas - one of them is organising all the food and I was amused when another volunteer asked me where he could find shrimps - these being needed for the meal.  Shrimps at Christmas? I think the chicken is going to be cooked in a pit and  I gather there is going to be a pumpkin pie as well, this being made by someone from South America.  

We will be working tomorrow morning but it looks like there will be a celebration later.

The picture is of all my Christmas things.  The beer was a lovely surprise from Vivek which I am enjoying as I write this. The present is from Sam - and Sam's Mum of course.  The red bananas I saw in a shop and bought them immediately as I really love them and I don't see them very often.  They are very expensive but I thought it would make a good Christmas present for myself.  I also got a nice new temporary crown as the original one disintegrated this morning at breakfast and the dentist managed to get a nice new shiny one by the time I went to see her at lunch time.  It feels very good and I am very pleased.

A day of images

This afternoon Joachim came with some wonderful images of David's cremation which included two video clips.  Then Tom (in the picture) came to show us the completed film about organic farming which he shot earlier this year in several Auroville farms.

This has been a day of looking at images, yet it is difficult to find an image that really represents today.

David's cremation

My friend David died very suddenly last Wednesday and ever since then I have been focusing on that which I have found very challenging.  He died on the way to hospital and I have found myself involved with all the paperwork required to make sure that everything is done properly according to Indian and English law.  I have also had a difficult time with the person who lived in the same house as him who seemed to feel the way to get things done was just to steam roller ahead not thinking about the feelings of others.  To be fair she was very freaked out by it all - she had never seen a dead body before and had been very fond of David who she felt was like a surrogate father.

I have been speaking with his daughter in the UK who had to give me authorisation for all the paperwork as she couldn't come to India as she was pregnant.  It was so sad as she lost the baby yesterday.  I tried to protect her as much as I could, but it was very difficult.

At the cremation I had the most incredible experience as they covered his face.  Suddenly everything got incredibly light.  It was wonderful and a lovely gift for this day which is the winter equinox.

Buddha Garden map

This is an annotated map of Buddha Garden which I created to go with a long and involved explanation about some land encroachment which is going on.  This is being done by a neighbour who owns plot 181/2 and who is a very difficult person to deal with.  Writing about what happened when I first came to Buddha Garden - how he constantly cut our telephone cable and made life very difficult for us - took me back to how I felt at that time.  

I want to deal with this land problem in a way that doesn't start another similar saga which sapped a lot of my energy.

A snowflake

To help get into the Christmas spirit I made myself a snowflake on the animated Advent Calendar that I have on my computer.  

Well at least its something for Christmas in yet another day when I have been distracted by a very long 'to do' list.

Christmas is coming!

This picture of my niece Matilda making the Christmas cake reminds me that Christmas is coming!!  I did all my Christmas stuff quite a while ago and have now almost forgotten about it. I have been so busy and in any case it is not a big festival here. 

I remember I used to like making the cake and all the other special Christmas food.  At one time I had a very good line of hand made sweets that I used to give away as presents.  

A blank canvas

I went to a yoga workshop very early this morning and as a result have been feeling that my brains have gone to a mush, almost like being drunk.  This morning when I was talking to people I had a bad case of verbal diarrhea and saying the stupidest things.  Just rabbiting on about nothing in particular.

Despite that I had a nice afternoon sleep and managed to get a lot of things done this afternoon which included sorting out a lot of my bank standing orders to the new account.  I also de-junked my table and computer desk and everything feels much cleaner and clearer.  Hopefully this energy will continue so I can de-junk a few more cupboards and other stuff in the next week.

After the busyness of the last few weeks and feeling that I am barely keeping up with everything I suddenly feel I have space to do things like creating pictures. What happens?  I have a completely blank canvas!  That is what the picture is about - all the busyness, the squashy brain and then the blank canvas.

The winter solstice is very soon so perhaps its just that everything unnecessary is being cleared out ready for the new to flow in.

Feeling lighter

Came back from yoga and realised I felt much lighter than I have done this past week or so.  I think its mainly that with the rainy day last week and today with no farm work I have managed to plough through a lot of paperwork.  I even had time to do this picture tonight.

Its only a doodle but it expresses pretty much how I feel.  The sun was how I experienced it yesterday just as it burst through in the morning.  I looked up and it was like a bright fire on the horizon.

I am having a lot of problems finding enough time to do these pictures and I haven't written anything for some weeks.  Although fortunately I still feel engaged with what I have written.  Its all this extra note taking and admin work I have taken on doesn't leave me much time for creative work.

A benefit of rain

I sat inside for most of the day catching up on all my computer work.  This has included various things for the Buddha Garden fund raising which has included this poster for the notice board.

I seem to have been doing a lot of work with images recently, but mostly photos rather than creating my own pictures.

Outside my door

It has rained all day, the last gasp of the monsoon I think.  We got soaked working this morning and then the rest of the day I have been doing computer work.  

I took this picture of what it was like just outside my door with the idea that it would show the greyness of the day.  In fact it shows the neon bright green of everything in the rain!

So not what I expected.

Home of a carpenter bee

Last year we built a volunteer cabin using materials that were lying around in Buddha Garden.  This year we find that the place has been taken over by carpenter bees.  As the picture shows, they make the most beautiful round holes, one for each bee.  They have the most beautiful, huge turquoise eyes and are very large so they look a bit frightening.  They are not very aggressive, however, and rarely sting as the male doesn't have a stinger and the female only stings in extreme circumstances.

There are so many of them, however, that I don't think any volunteer will want to stay there, so we will have to take it down.  In that area we are going to build a new kitchen so we will need the space.  We will find a new place for the wood so that they can continue living there.

Poster

This is a poster I have just designed for the course we are going to do to raise money for Foodlink farm.  I feel really shaky - I think because I pushed myself too much to do this.  I was going to do the Vegetable group meeting notes before going to bed, but that is a bridge too far.

All it needs is the Foodlink logo and I think it will be fine.  After that it will be a case of getting it printed, laminated and distributed, but perhaps I can get some volunteers to help me with that.

Wobbly

There is so much happening at the moment.  So many things to be taken care of.  I feel like I am walking on wobbly stepping stones through a rushing river.  I am surrounded by very dynamic energy - a bit too dynamic sometimes when I just can't fall asleep or wake up very early with ideas and thoughts swirling around in my brain.

I feel that I have to keep my eyes on the horizon, balance carefully and move forward step by step.  

Poster

I feel I have been chained to the computer today, yet again, trying to do all the jobs that need doing.  I managed to have a really nice lunch with Ashok in Pondy although we had to do some shopping for bedding for volunteers.  It was much more fun doing it with someone rather than on my own.

This is our Introduction Workshop poster which also includes something about our fund raising campaign.  I realise that I have also got to do the website and the thank you cards for those people who donate at the introductory course.  

Hopefully that can all be done by next weekend.

Today I have been doing this blog for one year and have managed to do a picture most days.  Originally I hoped that I would be able to make a book out of it, but when I can't imagine when I am going to have time to do that.

Our first brick

This is the first poster of our 'brick by brick' fund raising campaign made with the first donation.

There is still a lot to do with setting up the website to provide information and donation links, but this is a start.

A welcome evening out

Today I had a very welcome evening out.  I feel I have so many things to do and not enough time to do them all.  Although often I find there is time to do the things that really need doing.

This is a picture of Karl whose mind ranges over a very wide range of things and so did our conversation.  It was a very welcome break from trying to get everything done.  Even if the so called 'baby corn fry masala' consisted of lumps of fried flour and few corn seeds!  It tasted OK but was obviously food to interest the mouth rather than nurture the body.

Wanting clarity

I have so much information about so many things banging around in my head at the moment that I am finding it very difficult to find clarity about what we should do in Buddha Garden.  Vivek has the idea to build another kitchen and then turn the present kitchen and dormitory into a much bigger dormitory that would have light at night and a lot more space.  We need better volunteer accommodation and this would provide it.

Problem is it would cost around Rs5laks and we would have to take a loan that would take probably five years to repay.  And during that time we would not be able to take on another loan for anything.  Plus of course we would have to continue paying half our maintenances and so on.  It is a big commitment to make and I don't feel that energy to go for it.

As I was walking back from talking to Vivek about it I saw this enormous frog and so I asked him (or probably her!) about it.  But there was no answer....

I know this is a problem that I cannot think through.  Somehow I have to get that clarity which enables me to jump towards the right solution, but at the moment this is eluding me.

It all came rushing back

It was so unexpected seeing this picture and for a moment I felt really confused as to whether Peter was dead or alive.  There was a split second of a delighted feeling that I would see him again followed almost instantaneously by the remembrance that I never will.  All the feelings I had when he died came rushing back as if it had happened yesterday.

It may not be at the forefront of my consciousness but these feelings are with me every day.

Farm group meeting

Had a Farm group meeting today which, although in some ways quite productive, also included a not very edifying fight between several members.  There were some not very nice racial remarks and it concluded when two member left.

As I have been writing the notes it struck me that the energy of the meeting was very cloudy brown and that anything that happened, however positive, was tinged with that.  This is what I have tried to express in the picture.

Christmas......

The last two days - a weekend when I feel I should have had some time off - has been unrelenting.  So much is happening and it has been one job after another which feels like a treadmill.  Despite this I feel that things are getting completed although once one thing is done there is immediately something else that needs to be tackled.

For the last week I have been trying to find time to wrap and send my Christmas presents.  I had planned to do it over the weekend but couldn't find the time as I didn't seem to have a spare minute.  Somehow I found the time this morning, maybe because I knew I just HAD to do it, otherwise they wouldn't arrive in time.

I made everything as simple as possible using cloth bags instead of wrapping paper.  The parcel in the picture is for my sister Anna and her children and consists of lots of nice smelly things that they can share out.  Once I got to the Post Office I was able to take advantage of their new computerised system for parcels where a sticky label is produced which is stuck on the parcel, rather than having to glue on lots of stamps.  So that part of the process was relatively easy.