Convoluted journey

This morning I cancelled the weekly tour of Buddha Garden and went with Rajan to the Collectors Office in Villapuram to try and get David's death certificate. The journey there took much longer than expected because of the congested traffic and when we got there we were told that we had come to the wrong place. Death certificates are done in Vanur and I need the special piece of paper from the Village administrative office that the police had told us about. So there was nothing for it but to make the long hot journey back although thank goodness there wasn't so much traffic so it was a much shorter journey.

Tomorrow Rajan is going to go to the Village Administrative Office for me to see what he can do, although I don't hold out too much hope. 

David's ashes

This morning I took David's ashes and scattered some of them around Jalabhoumi. Given that the place seems to be coming alive with the birds and animals who come for the water and with the trees we are going to plant as soon as it starts raining, I thought it was the best place to do it. Walking around the edge of the pond I managed to fall over – its where the clay is extremely slippery – and got my knees and feet covered with mud.

Later I went and bought a bag at a shop in the Visitors Centre as I thought it would be easier than getting a box. I really love what this one looks and feels like and of course it is made in Auroville. It meant that I emptied the pot in which the ash has been kept in these last months – something else I have emptied in the last few days.

Tomorrow Rajan and I are going to go to the Villapuram government office to try and get a death certificate. If we are not able to do so then I have decided to take the ashes anyway with the papers that we have got. If its not enough – too bad – and they will have to deal with it. I feel I have done my best.

Shifting stuff

This is a picture of a load of stuff that I took to the Free store this morning. Mostly it comes from clearing out my wardrobe but also includes stuff left by volunteers and others. I feel so glad to get rid of it at last.

While there I happened to bump into a therapist who is willing to talk to me about my depression. I think I will write to her this weekend and hope I can see her before I leave next week. I think it has got to the point where I need some external input to help me shift internally.

The face of my depression

I am posting this on Saturday as I didn't manage to get around to it yesterday. This is the image I have of what my depression feels like.

Ashes in my mouth and hollow inside.

Good in parts but also bad!

Have had rather a rough day today and am feeling depressed as I write this. In one case someone phoned me up about what I think is a stupid conflict and I just said that I couldn't (more like wouldn't) help her. I felt that I don't want to waste my time on it as it is one of those conflicts that has been rumbling on under the surface for years and years and no one is using it to learn anything about themselves or the situation. In the second case I said something that sounded as if I was going to come and take over some farming that this person has been doing on behalf of the farm group with very little support. Not surprisingly he was quite upset and I don't think really believed that this isn't what I want to do. I know I intimidate people but at the moment I feel really exasperated that I upset everyone and am not accepted as I am.

I went shopping in Pondy this morning as I don't want to leave everything until the last minute as I fear that I may be running around after David's death certificate. It wasn't too bad and I got two pairs of chappels for Emma and Rachael as well as a pair of strong sandals for myself. I think going in the morning was better than going in the evening and hopefully I will be able to sleep all right tonight.

I just hope the depression does not get so bad that it keeps me awake. I must hang on to the fact that I have tried to do some damage control of the two situations I provoked this morning and hopefully that will have helped.........

Feeling bad

Have felt really bad today, mainly because someone in a report on AVNet tried to make out that I was acting incorrectly with Auroville land. The picture is how I felt as I wrote a reply to him. It gave me a bad stomach ache.

I have been feeling that the universe may be saying that I should move on to something else as I do not seem to have the support I need in Auroville. I am accused of taking my own decisions and doing my own thing in the Farm group and now I am accused, in front of the whole community, of playing fast and loose with Auroville land.

Pierre thinks it is in the stars as he is having a hard time as well. So perhaps I shouldn't take things too personally. I wish I felt more positive though.

Both of us

This morning I rushed off after work to see Yuval to get a hair cut. I had phoned him yesterday and as he happened to be doing several people this morning he said he would do my hair as well provided I got there by 9.30am. Its a rush for me to get there at that time but and I wondered whether I would be able to do it as I thought we would be going to the village administrative offices to get David's death certificate. But last night the British High Commission said that they might be able to get an undertaker in Chennai to get the death certificate so this morning I decided I didn't need to go to the offices and could have my hair done instead.

I am really pleased with the result and feel that I am now on the count down to go to the UK. Especially as Rajan has printed out my air and train tickets. Emma sent me pictures of Sam and I thought it would be nice to have a picture of both of us.  

My backup angel

I have had a most frustrating day on the computer today. As usual the wifi did not work very well and this afternoon the whole system crashed which meant that I lost all the writing that I had done. I was so annoyed as this new software was supposed to prevent that.

After searching around for a bit I found a backup function from which I was able to restore everything that I had written. I was SO pleased and I pictured it as a little backup angel that held onto my words and didn't let them go.

Message from the Bhodi tree

This afternoon I did a session for a group of students. At the end of the session I asked them each to find a plant and receive something from it – which they did with varying degrees of success.

I sat by the Bhodi tree in the middle of Buddha Garden and almost immediately got the message 'I will give you strength'. I had this strong image of the tree inside me which is what I tried to express in this picture.

Heavy weather at the summer solstice

This is a picture I did in the early hours of Friday morning – the night that was so bad that I hardly slept. I still don't understand why I was making such heavy weather of the fact that my daughter is not going to be in London when I get there. Its not as if there will be no one else there and in any case I can easily amuse myself on my own for a few days.

I feel a well of deep sadness that I do not understand.

It happened again when I received a rather rude email from a young person in Auroville. She is to be pitied rather than for me to get upset about it – but I got upset.

Japanese breakfast

I had a ghastly night last night being unable to sleep for most of the night. A combination I think of having a tiring afternoon in Pondy, the hour or more spent sitting in the police station being particularly bad. Then when I got back I had a phone call from my youngest daughter telling me that she won't be there when I arrive in the UK. She has to go on an induction day in her new job, which means going up to Sheffield, and she won't be coming back to London before I go up to Manchester.

It seemed to affect me out of all proportion and I found I couldn't sleep thinking about it – which was ridiculous. I also felt very hot and uncomfortable.

When I woke up I felt quite dizzy although I am glad I went to work as I gradually started to feel better. I think everything may have been compounded by my being quite dehydrated. When I got up I was very thirsty and needed to drink a huge amount.

Sivakala didn't come this morning to make breakfast so one of the Japanese volunteers did so. It tasted really good and I realised that as well as being very thirsty I was also hungry. After this breakfast I felt a lot better.

At the police station

I went with Rajan to Pondy today to do some shopping, sort out the non working dongle and visit the police station to get David's death certificate. Which I really need because I am going to the UK soon and want to take his ashes with me to give to his daughter.

We were in the police station for over an hour as they tried to find the relevant file. There was a pile of messy papers on the table (as in the picture) which I think symbolised the rather run down and somewhat chaotic vibe of the place. The errant file was finally found by the only woman there.

The policeman told me that I can get the relevant certificate from someone called Chitra at PIMS hospital where David's body was taken. I hope he is correct because previously I was told that the hospital could not issue the death certificate because he didn't actually die there. Lets hope she can do the certificate, otherwise I can see myself having to do a lot of leg work between the hospital and the police station.....

Another character

This is a picture of Suzuu who I have been writing about today.

I felt very tired when I came to write today and without the energy that I felt while writing over the last week or so. I do hope that this doesn't mean that I am going to give up as has happened in the past when I have felt this way. I don't feel that the energy is drying up but I do feel the story needs a lot more work on how to weave all the strands together. So I think for now I just have to press on.

I may have to start from the beginning again as I think it would be better written in the third person rather than first person as at the moment. I think I will be able to have a lot more fun with the descriptions.

Bright sun and breeze

For the last few days there has been brighter than usual sun with a breeze which seems to have been particularly potent today. I have been aware of it for the whole day rather than just in the middle of the day when any breeze we have usually starts. Today it started early in the morning and has been going on all day which is very pleasant as it cools things down a bit.  Everything I have been doing today has been with a background of doors banging and the sound of the wind in the trees 

It was hard to think of a picture that would express this unless I made a video clip. This picture of the sun shining through my door seems to show it a little with the bright sun and the rather blurry shadows of the tree suggesting (quite a lot) of movement.

It feels very much that the season is changing and I am feeling that a lot in the garden as we work hard to prepare a lot of beds for the next season planting.

Rajan's engagement

This morning I went with Vivek to Rajan's engagement. It was very much a female event as although men were part of the ritual the most important part was when the older women of the family blessed the bride to be.

I think this picture shows it quite well with all the women crowding around and Rajan off to one side looking on.

Full moon in the morning

I woke up early and saw this beautiful full moon first thing in the morning just as the sun was rising. What I like about the picture is that it has got the colour of the sky correct. It was a beautiful dark blue that was like a shimmering bed spread.

Baggage

Yesterday I had a visitor that took up quite a lot of my time. She was having difficulties with her land steward who had allocated a piece of land near her place for a college without asking her. Unfortunately she didn't find out until the land allocation procedure had been gone through and she had missed the time for objections.

She was doing what a lot of what I call 'Old School' Aurovilians (she had been in Auroville ever since it started) and especially ex ashram people tend to do. They go and tell their story to as many people as possible in the hopes that the people they talk to will see the rightness of their position and do something about it. What I notice also is that they rarely actually confront the situation either within themselves or the people concerned. As a consequence they have a huge amount of emotional baggage – I was amazed that this person was telling me about what she considered were wrong doings that happened over thirty years ago! Several times the story being told as if it happened yesterday.

I don't think there is much that I can do to help and I told her this. But it made me wonder how much baggage I carry around with me. I have told Vivek if he ever catches me acting like that then he has to tell me to stop immediately.

Leon again

After writing about Leon yesterday I felt I had to draw him again today. I think this picture expresses better his fundamental inner tension although I can't see what colours he would be wearing.

I am still enjoying the writing which must be a first as I am not – so far – feeling that heaviness and boredom that I usually get when writing fiction. Which is what usually makes me give up.

Beautiful sky

I had someone come to see me today to talk about the water conservation work that we do in Buddha Garden. I took him down to the bottom land where we have dug water conservation ponds and saw this this beautiful sky.

I hope that when the trees grow there won't be so many that we cannot enjoy the sense of space that there is in this place.

Leon

This is a picture I created today about someone I am going to write about tomorrow. I am really looking forward to it as the picture has sparked off several ideas......

People I am writing about

This is a picture of all the people that I am writing about. I think eventually I will actually draw them all and put them all together in one picture. I wrote about these people some time ago and bringing them all together like this is really good as it gives me ideas about how they will interact with each other.

Amazingly I am really enjoying the writing and today I looked forward to doing it. Long may it continue!

Apart from that it has been an annoying day in many ways. Very grey with drizzle with lots of odd jobs to do and a software glitch which meant that I lost some of my work. I don't really think this Green group work is for me as it doesn't have enough practicality in it.

Finding a signal

Having finally sorted out how to download stuff from the BBC website I then had to go searching for a place where I could get a wifi signal. The only place was outside my door in the garden. I thought it was rather precarious for my beautiful new computer to be standing on a cardboard box which was open to all the insects and animals roaming around.

At least it wasn't raining.  

Feeling liberated

Today I feel as if I have found some inner energy and spark to actually do something. That I have connected with an inner movement that means I can express myself.I have started a writing schedule and although I haven't actually done any yoga today I feel that I will start doing it again either today or tomorrow. I now feel I have some internal energy to carry out my own projects.

It feels very liberating.

An introspective day

I feel it has been a very introspective day today. It is the 70^th anniversary of the D day landings and I have been thinking a lot about my father who participated in that on what was his birthday. He was one of the first people to be called up and so had been in the war from the beginning. It all culminated in a nervous breakdown for him as the war ended. There was a generation of people who in various ways were devastated by the war which I think explains a lot about how my parents were while I was a child.

Later I went to the Post office to send off the first of the packages of my personal papers to Emma. They  contain letters between Shantam and me. I always thought that sometime I would go through them and perhaps there would be something to write about but this has never happened. They are the only papers I haven't digitised as I just cannot bring myself to look at them again. It brings up too many painful memories. So I decided to send them to Emma although I don't want her or anyone else looking at them until after I am gone. I know where they are if I ever change my mind though.

I felt most peculiar as I handed the first parcel to the man at the Post office. It was as if I had bundled up this part of my life and was letting it go. Which was further enhanced when I came back from the Post Office and saw how clear my door looks now I have cut down a rather overgrown shrub nearby. It is as if I am getting myself clear for the next steps forward.

Sam found paint!

I got this in the post today.  It is Sam's first efforts at playing with a paint and it looks as if he went for it with great enthusiasm.

I was so pleased to receive it and now it is up on my wall.

Soft focus day

As I write this I feel it has been a very unfocused day although I have got a lot of clearing up type jobs completed. Rajan and I went to Pondy this morning where we took back the Wimax materials to the Telephone service although we didn't get the money for it as the person dealing with it was in a meeting. I was most amused at having to write a letter with a pen on a piece of paper as part of the paperwork process! I also got a new and much needed battery for my phone as well as seeing Sangita, Rajan's bride to be. This afternoon I cleared out a lot of stuff on the old computer so that Rajan can have it tomorrow for the office and clear out the office one so that it can be passed on to Gowri's daughter.

I feel it has been a sort of soft focus day when I have cleared up a lot of stuff but haven't really moved anything much forward. Or maybe getting rid of all these little jobs will open the way to something else.

Straightening up

Today I finished doing the notice board that has been repaired. I made one new poster and made new prints of old ones and put them up on the notice board this afternoon. As usual I found it very difficult to get them straight and this is a picture of Rajan who had to go behind me and straighten them up.

I have got an astigmatism so have always had problems putting things up straight and drawing straight lines. This despite the fact I wear glasses which I always presume should correct the astigmatism and never do!.

Hooray!

I am getting along with my new computer better than I thought I would.  I always find it quite difficult when I change computers especially as with this one I have a new operating system.  I am very happy with what I have so far been able to do and the picture shows the 'hooray' moment when I managed to get my graphic tablet working.  To do this involved downloading a new driver, but now it is working better than it has ever done before.  I am very pleased and relieved and surprised at how much I have missed it while I have been trying to get it to work properly.  There are one or two bits of software which aren't working properly but already I am using the new computer more than the old one which is being passed on to the office.

The office computer is going to the daughter of a friend of mine who is doing a degree in computer studies at Pondicherry university.  She has needed a laptop, which her mother has been unable to get her, ever since the course started over a year ago.  So I am very happy to be able to help her get one which, while not brand new, is not that old and still working well.

My hurting hands

Over the last month I have been going to yoga classes three or four times a week. Gradually I have noticed that my body, and particularly my hands, are very sore. Yet as soon as I get up after the last asana the soreness completely disappears. It is very odd.

This picture is what my hands felt like when I started the yoga class last night. My hands felt red and swollen and the joints, in particular the thumb joints, felt very painful. It also felt as if there were little bolts of lightening coming out of my fingers.

Maybe it is because I have just been trying to 'do' too much. Or maybe doing too many things that don't make my heart sing. Or maybe allowing myself to get too downhearted about all the not so good things going on in the Farm group and Auroville at the present time. It could be any or all of those things.

My yoga classes have now finished for the summer so I will have to see what I can do on my own. I would like to continue standing on my head regularly and I think I should continue doing the Somatic exercises which are particularly good if you have pain.  

A new device

A few days ago we had this device, a solar dryer, delivered to Buddha Garden.  It was designed by a German student (the one in the middle with her back to the camera) and this is a picture of the student with her friend and Rajan setting it all up.  

When it arrived I was quite taken by the design which seems to be well thought out.  I gather from Vivek, however, that the dryer has taken much longer than expected to get to this stage because she keeps changing her mind about how it should work.  I also gather that it has turned out much more expensive than expected which I have found often happens when things are developed like this in Auroville.

We are going to try it out to see how it works and if anyone else wants to try it they are going to have to rent it.  We hope this will help people to take care of it better than they might do if they didn't pay anything.  We started off with drying some fruit which we are going to keep for a week or two to make sure that it is properly dried out.  Getting a machine to measure the moisture is apparently extremely expensive, but this would help us to ensure that everything is dried to the optimum amount.