The end of a long month 20200331

This morning I took pictures of all the flowers in Buddha Garden. I just love this picture of a banana flower.

I feel extremely grateful to be where I am right now.  Its wonderful to have the space of the farm to move around and of course to have food.  Which so many people in India don’t have at the moment because of the lockdown and almost cessation of the economy.  Worldwide so many people are having  lives devastated by this disruption.  I am so grateful for what I have.

New rhythms 20200330

We have got back into a rhythm of working.  Even with only a few people we seem to be getting a lot done and also picking surprising amounts. 

At the same time, with the lockdown we are also having time to do other things.  This afternoon Rajan took Magzhiran around the farm for a cycle ride and I got some really lovely clips for this week’s video.

Aaaaaaaaah 20200329

Finished the video early which meant I was able to catch up on the writing and illustrations for the book.  The picture for today is one of them.

Have had a very quiet day when I’ve caught up with some housework and sorted out a cupboard.  With the increasing heat there are more ants around.  Also talked to a friend over skype and did some art work.

A very satisfying and productive day.

Gratitude for beauty 20200328

Have felt very busy today as I had to do some editing for Vivek who feels very under pressure.  Having found his computer charger he has now lost his internet at home.  I was too tired to edit this evening but will do it first thing tomorrow morning before I do the video.

I have a very productive write up of my internal workings as well as keeping in touch with friends and family.  I feel I have some insight and therefore hopefully some leverage for dealing with my anorexia and anxiety.

The picture is also from the video about things for which we are grateful.  This time the beauty of plumaria flowers symbol of birth and new creation.  Very appropriate right now in the middle of a world wide epidemic which demonstrates to me how much things need to change.

FRee but not free 20200327

Spent some time connecting with friends and family which was really good.  I must make more time for this.  The picture comes from Emma and shows the sun through the fence.  She’s called it ‘Free but not free’ because during the lockdown in the UK they are only allowed out once a day for exercise.

Two volunteers are not well so they take up some of my time although they seem to be managing OK.  Despite this everything going well on the farm.

Grateful for the sun 20200326

Had time today to do a lot of work for the video I am doing about how to prepare and plant a vegetable bed.  Although the picture comes from another video series I am doing ‘Two minutes of peace’ which this week will focus on things for which we are grateful.  The sun shining is one of them.

Have spent a lot of time today talking with people, with Rajan about how we are going to manage without workers. And with a friend who has just come in from abroad and has had to socially isolate.

Miraculously I have also had time to work on some more illustrations for the book.  I am loving doing this.  I haven’t had time to write up my diary, but am going to do something about that in a minute or two.  I am realising that it is really important at this time when such a lot is going on internally.

Busy again 20200325

Did lots of different things today so my focusing on the book rather went out of the window.  Despite that I managed to get some illustrations done which I am really pleased with.

Made a huge amount of tomato sauce for the freezer with Bahkia.  I hope the freezer section of our fridge will be able to manage it.  I also showed Bahkia how to blanch and freeze beans.  They look really good and green.

I seem to spend a lot of my time reassuring people about different things.  Some of the volunteers are finding it tough I think not to be able to go out.  Despite that, as the picture shows, one volunteer is using the time to good effect to make a shawl.

I miss going for a cycle ride and have started weight training instead.  I hope it will help build up my much wasted muscles.

Illustrations again 20200325

I made a good start on two illustrations for the colouring book.  This is one of them.

I think this time of lockdown because of the virus is enabling  a lot of things to become clear.  I am aware that a lot is in the process of being worked out inside me.  A process for which I have no words at the moment.

Still quiet 20200323

Really enjoyed another very internal day when I have managed to get some writing done and the ideas for illustrations are forming.  I realise I am really out of step with everyone else who seem to be fixed on the news – which is only about the corona virus – and a lot of panic everywhere.  I realise how lucky I am to be here where I am surrounded by nature and supportive people.

I think I have to be careful that my brain doesn’t go a bit mad and convoluted though!

The picture is of all the ready bananas we have cut in Buddha Garden so that someone else can’t come and get them.  Someone came in yesterday and stole some tools from Pierre’s place together with bananas and jack fruit from us.  There are no other bananas ready for stealing!

Very quiet day 20200322

There was a complete lockdown today because of the corona virus and so there has been a wonderful quality of silence everywhere.  Its meant to go on until 9.00pm and I’ll be very interested to see if there is noticeably more noise after that.  I forget how it feels and sounds not to have traffic on the roads.

I have had a really good day.  I did the video first thing and then have spent the rest of the day re-organising my book.  I even did a little bit of rewriting as well.  Thinking about what pictures to use as well although no conclusions on that yet.

Went to the Garden of Unseen helpers but still can’t think of a name for the new education centre.

One problem is that when I sit more my feet sometimes swell up.  I’ve got to remember to move more and perhaps do more dynamic yoga.

Us 20200321

I realise that I am really looking forward to this time when I will have very limited interaction with other people and have an excuse for it.  I don’t have to be nice!!!  I can focus on my finishing my book.

It will also be a good time for me to be shown the inner and outer things I need to focus on my creativity rather than on practical stuff.  I see that it requires that I withdraw to some extent from ‘real life’ to an inner focus.  But how best to do that when the inner and outer are connected?

Hopefully this is something that will become clear over the next weeks and months.

Old habits 20200320

I love having the extra time to do creative work but once again I find myself slipping into into doing too much and driving myself too hard.  I spent a long time talking to Sathya about the Garden of Unseen Helpers as well as helping in the kitchen.  After which my stomach was very jumpy because I had pushed too hard.

Somehow I need not only to find my still centre, but also to keep attached to it in the middle of a busy day.  I think that would help me the most to stop burning myself out.

I did some more illustrations for the colouring book and the picture is one of a series describing how to deal with wild animals.  I really enjoyed doing it and it finished the section on animals.

New dress 20200319

Had to go to a meeting this morning but managed to sort out that they recorded it and I will add my comments to the recording.  I did not want to sit in a confined room with a lot of people and be breathed on.  India appears not to have many virus cases but they are doing very little testing so no one really knows.

Then went and got my new dress which is beautifully red.  I love it.

My stomach was very gripey this morning but has gradually got better as the day progressed.  I love this picture of Magzhiran in his tree house.

A reboot 20200318

Feel much better today.  I love having the time to work on my books as with the corona virus shutdown we have much less to do.  And more people are deciding to stay longer.

I feel that this illness has been a kind of reboot for me.  An opportunity to build myself up again in a different way.  To look after myself better on every level.  To do what I really love and give myself the care that enables me to do that.

I think my body is reflecting what is happening in the world.  The virus is showing we can’t go on the way we have been doing. And neither can I.

A bit better 20200317

Feel better today and have managed to eat something as well as going out and doing some shopping.  I also sorted out a lot of washing and feel I have cleared out a lot of old energy. In general I feel this whole experience has got a lot of energy moving. Still feel very tired although having got back to my computer feels good.

With the schools closed because of the virus Rajan and Magzhiran started making this tree house today.

Ghastly sick day 20200316

Had a dreadful day today as after seeing the doctor I came back home and was horribly sick with diarrhoea and at times could barely stand up.  Have started to take the medicine and feel a bit better

Everything is going into lockdown because of the corona virus although it seems that so far there are no cases in the immediate area.  We won’t be taking new people until after March 31^st.

No picture.  It was too horrible to think of all over again.

Still not well 20200315

Not sure whether I am better today or not.  Have felt so tired but at times also quite energetic and my stomach more relaxed.  I didn’t feel like doing any work but just had to anyway.

I think that’s been the problem.  I’ll see what I feel like tomorrow as the thought of shopping for the kitchen just makes me feel tired.

Feel rather depressed but did manage my Goshen Tai So.

Getting better 20200314

I am feeling better but still tired and wishing I didn’t have to do the video today.  But I did it anyway, as usual. 

The picture is of a Korean camera person who came to do a video of Buddha Garden.  He had most impressive equipment but it required several large bags in which to carry it around.  It also looked very complicated and I would need a course I think in how to use it.

Managed to do my Goshen Tai So but couldn’t manage yoga today.

Ill and feeling sick 20200313

Woke up with stomach hurting and fierce diarrhoea. Brought on I think by something I recently ate.

Have spent the whole day sleeping and feeling that this is what I really need – to rest more.

Why can’t I spend a day in bed if I need it without having to be sick?

Exhausted 20200312

Today I feel I have been making really heavy weather of doing this water presentation for the Citizens Assembly.  I don’t mind just getting up and speaking, but when I also have to make a slide show and write up of what I am going to say…. It has felt very heavy doing it, I suppose because it is to someone else’s timetable.

At the same time I realised that I don’t really know when its going to happen because I hadn’t put the details in my diary.  Or the details of the Green Walk I am supposed to be doing – I think this weekend!  Feels like I am really undermining myself and that I should say ‘no’ more often.

I wake up early with things going around my brain and feel depressed by the end of the day.  I am getting into the habit of work work work and not doing anything else.  Its frightening how quickly the space I found for inspiration has disappeared.

New fruit 20200311

Very pleased indeed to turn up to my school session today to find teacher Moorthy using material from my book for his teaching.  We had a really good discussion about it and we are going to get together over the school summer holidays to discuss and refine it further. 

It looks like I won’t be going to the UK this year because of the corona virus.  India is restricting entry of certain people to India and I think UK is going to go on that list soon.  I don’t think I can risk getting stuck in the UK as I have nowhere to stay and it would be very difficult.

I feel surprisingly upset about it and must organize regular video sessions with the children.

Beauty 20200310

Spent some time taking pictures for the water presentation.  Then had to waste time at a hugely ineffective meeting. 

Am disturbed to find myself getting very impatient and arrogant with people who I feel should know things and don’t.  I don’t feel much resonance with them and this morning they just made me cross and feel that I am wasting my time being here.  Its times like this when I ask myself – is Auroville still my place?

I took this picture of cashew flowers by chance.  They are quite small and I forget how beautiful they are.  I should take it as a message to look beyond the obvious for the beauty in people and situations and not get cross and arrogant.

Gradually doing it 20200309

I have done a lot today.  Unfortunately it hasn’t included much work on my creative projects but it feels like all the clearing up is gradually getting done.  It certainly helps now I have got my do list organised.  I no longer need so many bits of paper and its all in one place on whatever platform I use.  I feel it keeps my head clearer.

Had a good session with someone organising a citizens Assembly about water.  I now feel I will be able to write my presentation fairly easily.

This is the view from my door.  No longer do I have to look at a mess of irrigation pipes but a sink waiting to go up so we can repurpose this area as a washing place for micro greens and vegetables.

How I feel 20200308

I did this picture today of how I feel. 

I think it says it all although I also did a lot of other writing with which I managed to clear my head.

Feeling overwhelmed 20200307

I feel positively overwhelmed which I know is better than being negatively overwhelmed but is still overwhelming!

We’ve done a lot of clearing out today.  Not only have we  cleared out and moved all the irrigation pipes in front of my house.  We have also got rid of all the old stuff for money. It makes for a feeling of spaciousness in the place.

I have so many ideas.  The colouring book is coming along really well and I managed to do some artwork yesterday which I have been wanting to do for ages.  But then I got two requests for two projects, both of which are very interesting, but I feel quite weak when I think of the work involved.

Got very muddled up with my Goshen Tai So showing that I need to focus more.  I think I must concentrate on one thing at a time and everything that needs to get done will get done.

The place is a riot of colour like these flowers in the nursery.  They mirror very well how I am feeling.

Hopeful flowing 20200306

Had another long chat with team members and exciting news of two research/teaching projects which are scheduled to happen in the next few months.  I really felt that things are flowing in a very creative and positive way for the place and for everyone in it.  I do hope so.

I feel its part of me having a new direction here.

Went to Udavi school this afternoon and when I came back I had to cycle through smoke from several fires.  It smelt like plastic was burning.  Felt sick and sneezed for about two hours afterwards – presumably caused by the smoke and whatever was in it.  Cashew spraying is going on as well so maybe that had an effect too.  There were certainly some very peculiar smells around.

The picture is of some Indian type salad using green papaya that Giri showed me how to make yesterday.  Now the lettuce is coming to an end I must look at other ways of getting raw food.

A lot of things 20200305

The Buddha Garden team got together this morning and we had a long chat about lots of things which was very useful. 

I feel that I have to let some things go but worry that this might lead to my not taking proper responsibility for everything that goes on in Buddha Garden.  Although this extra space within me will enable me to do more of my creative work.

The picture is of a very satisfying job I did today with one of the volunteers.  We tidied up the rubbish centre which has been needing doing for a long time.  I hope the good work can continue tomorrow with tidying up and moving our irrigation pipe store which at the moment is very messily in front of my house.  Got the go ahead to turn the cottage into a learning centre so Rajan and I went to have a look to see what needs to be done.

Getting hotter 20200304

Had a really good chat with Emma last night when I couldn’t sleep because I felt too hot.  It was really good to catch up and see the grandchildren again.  They were obviously very tired though after a busy day.

Did a school session this morning and gave out the latest in my diagrams for the colouring book.  I feel I have got the general layout right now and want to crack on with it in the next few days.

I love this picture which I think I will use for the video about the Garden of Unsee Helpers.  I have had an idea about opening a learning centre here.

Reorientation 20200303

I did some work on more posters for the Garden of Unseen Helpers.  This time getting pictures and information about the plants we are going to plant to attract pollinators.  I found this picture of one of our butterfly bushes which is just what I wanted.

I was very pleased that despite being busy I managed to do more embroidery today.  It feels as if I am starting to re-orient myself to other activities.

Too busy 20200302

I wanted to start doing the video about how to clear the bed this morning but was so busy by the time I got my camera out they had finished!  Had to see a Newcomer who I agreed to mentor when she comes back in September and then had to rush off to do the shopping.

I did some illustrations for the new book which I was very pleased with.  I think the rest of the chapter illustrations are going to be a bit more difficult as there aren’t obvious ways of making illustrations to fit the text.  I also decided to change my yoga practice.

The picture is of my new small computer.  I’ve started to use it in the evenings to do my diary and other things that I often miss doing in the day.  It seems to be working just how I wanted it to.

Peculiar day 20200301

Got up early, got my hair coloured, did some washing and started doing the video.  Then the wretched computer crashed, not once but twice.  Managed to get it working again but then Jeremy came to say goodbye.  Had a lovely conversation even if I was put in the role of being the agony aunt.  I hope we stay in touch.

Somehow I managed to get the video finished.  As usual it wasn’t perfect but it said what I wanted it to say.  Despite feeling very pushed I had time in the afternoon to do some embroidery which I really enjoyed although I do wonder about the finished product.  The idea is that I revive old material by embroidery over the designs.  It seems to work OK but I wonder how long the weakened material is going to last once it is embroidered.  Maybe I have got to look for less worn material and not depend just on what I happen to be throwing out.

Back to the usual 20200229

Back to usual work today and as usual, running around like crazy.  Hopefully now the birthday celebrations are over things will become a bit more peaceful.

I am really pleased how the colouring book is coming on.  Despite my constant busyness somehow I am gradually getting it done.  This is a picture I did for the first part of the section on insects.

A day of good energy 20200228

An extremely quiet start to the day as with it being Auroville’s birthday there was no work.  No people either as most went to the early morning bonfire.  I started by making and putting up the final two signs for the new garden.  Then I was so pleased to get our first guest who said she really enjoyed the quietness.  We had an interesting discussion.

I then got the recipe and did the video for tomato rice.  This is for my new book ‘Buddha Garden Breakfasts’.  The video was much harder to make than I anticipated.  I think I have enough clips and shots but in the future I probably have to think through more carefully what I am going to do.

Spent a lot of time talking to people and don’t feel I have had enough time on my own or to do everything I needed to do on the computer.  I’d hoped to do some writing.  Yet talking to people seems to be an important part of getting the right energy here.

Plumbing started 20200227

I am finding it SO difficult to keep all my admin stuff under control as well as find enough time for doing art work and  things like that.  I’m spending a lot of time talking to people and I finished off and put up the posters for the Garden of Unseen Helpers today.  I just don’t seem to have the time to sit quietly any more.  But then it is Auroville’s birthday tomorrow.

One brilliant thing that started is the putting together of my waste water outlet.  I am SO pleased.

Finished the posters 20200226

Once more it comes to the afternoon and I am feeling tired…. Did a lot of things today including put up the wooden signs for the Garden of Unseen Helpers, sorting out cleaning materials in bulk and food for Friday breakfast, the recipe for which (tomato rice) I will be using for my next book.  Oh and I also, with a volunteer, did a voice over for the video about the Garden of Unseen Helpers together with some photos.  One of which is the picture I have used for today.

I love the way the decaying tree root is sheltering new growth.  A message for me I think.