What is my work?

This is another of those pictures that I recently found that I painted in 2003 although they relate to how I was feeling when I first came to Auroville. I remember being quite confused by all the different work possibilities that were available, having a lot of people ask me to help them and not knowing what to do. In the end I decided to do what made my heart sing and that was what led me into farming and Buddha Garden.

'What is my work?' is a question that I am frequently asking myself these days after all the problems I have had with people in the Farm group. I still really enjoy the practical work in Buddha Garden although others have now, quite rightly, taken over some of the management and administration. I thought my work was to do more within the Farm group in terms of administration and representation, but without the support of the group I don't want to do it. I don't want to deal with a lot of hostility as well as the difficulties of actually doing the job.

So what is my work now? More of the same of what I am doing now in Buddha Garden? Or something different? Or somewhere else? It isn't clear at all. So I continue what I am doing.

Cactus flowers

This is the season of cactus flowers and we have two different varieties in flower at the moment. Seeing them reminded me of this poem that I wrote about them a long time ago:

LESSON

The cactus does not curse the sun

But grows a thick skin, thick with

Spikes to shield her

Inner core.

The cactus does not mourn the drought

But gladly greets the dew,

Absorbing its precious drops

Of moist coolness.

Thus she takes the moment

To create dawn flowers of

White pristine freshness

In a husk dry world.

And when they shrivel as the sun climbs

She does not blame the heat or bewail

Their transient beauty, but releases them,

Freely, to the baking earth.

And turning inward, she rests in the

Dark secret roots of her fecundity.

July 3^rd 02

A lesson I would do well to remember at this time when I feel so out of sorts.

Another poster

We have had the notice boards repaired and so I thought we needed some new posters. I am having five posters re-printed but thought I should make a new one about the latest work we have done in Buddha Garden. This is it.

Everything seems a lot of work at the moment and I had to push quite hard through the initial inertia although once I got going it wasn't too bad. Is it the hot humid weather? Or is it my depression that seems to sap the life out of doing anything? Probably its a combination of both things and I will just have to move slowly through it as best I can.

Do I have to be here?

This is one of the pictures that I found on Sunday which reminded me so much of what happened when I first came to Auroville. Like the other picture I posted two days ago this picture describes what happened when I first came to Auroville although it was painted much later in 2003. It shows what happened when I stood at the entrance to New Creation with Emma and Rachael. It looked really horrible with all the rubbish laying around outside as it was where a lot of the Pondy garbage was dumped so the farmers could use it on their fields. Which was fine when most of the garbage was organic and would make a sort of compost but was a disaster ever since the plastic had been included.

I had come from a beautiful and quiet place in Kodaikanal and here I was at the hot and rubbish strewn entrance to New Creation. I remember looking up and asking the question 'Do I really have to be here?  Is this really my place?' and the answer coming back strong and clear 'Yes you do.  Yes it is'

Today and many days since, I am still asking the same question after a very depressing Farm group meeting this morning. There was such a lot of manipulation going on and no responsibility being taken for group decisions that had been taken. If we aren't willing to take responsibility for and learn from our mistakes how can we ever make things better?  And when there is little or no good will and the discussion is being manipulated on behalf of certain individuals rather than trying to find a solution for everyone involved, how can this be part of what we are supposed to be doing here?

Do I really have to be here?  Of course I know I can leave if I want to, but I could spend the rest of my life looking around for the perfect place to manifest the new consciousness.  Because its not whether its comfortable or not for me to be here that is the issue,  but whether the challenges help me to grow in a positive way.  And if the new consciousness is going to really change anything then it has to be possible for me to access it anywhere so that it doesn't matter where I am.

Tons of cashews

This hot weather signals that it is cashew season and lots of them have been finding their way to Buddha Garden where Pierre will process and package them. This is the third year we have been doing this and Pierre does seem to have learnt a lot and found the most easy and efficient process.

The first job is always to dry the nuts in the sun and this picture is of the two tons that have already been dried and can go into store. According to Pierre there is only one more ton to go, but they haven't arrived yet.

Important remembering

I am very pleased at the amount of clearing up I have done to day getting rid of the last of the spoiled pictures which needed to be thrown away. While going through them I came across some images which I think have something to say to me today. This image was what I had when I went to Matrimandir for the first time when the message was that however painful it is I have to keep my heart open. The picture was created some years after I had arrived in Auroville and Buddha Garden but the image was still very potent.

Seeing it today reminded me of what was happening then and now. How upset I was at what had happened in the other community and yet how I was being asked to keep my heart open.

At this time when I feel myself getting cynical and critical about what has happened perhaps keeping my heart open is the only way to deal with it and keep my humanity. 

Packing up

I felt so pleased with myself today after giving the kitchen a good clean first thing this morning and at last packing up all the family papers that I am going to send to the UK. This is the box into which they have been put.

I started to wrap up the box and realised that I couldn't lift it because it was so heavy! If I couldn't lift it I thought the people at the Post Office might also have problems and Emma would need the car to go and fetch it at the other end. Rajan (who managed to pick it up with some difficulty) weighed it for me and it was 21kg. I then went to the Post Office, fortunately not taking the box with me, who told me that this weighed too much as the limit is 20kg and the parcel must not be more than 1 X 1 X 1 metres in size.

So there the papers still sit until I decide how to send them in smaller packages. I wonder if I should ask Emma to send me some of those plastic mail sacks that you can get in the UK. They are extremely tough and its what I used to send David's papers back to the UK. I think it will be really difficult to find boxes of the right size.

No inspiration

This was one of the few days when I haven't managed to do a picture. Every time I thought about what I could do I had no inspiration at all. I felt completely devoid of energy.

Part of the reason was that I was having a discussion with some people in the Farm group office this morning and criticisms were made of the Buddha Garden ladies fingers. I felt SO fed up about it as I check every single ladies finger myself. I do all that and still they aren't good enough. My depression, which is never far away despite my feeling better a lot more of the time now, came back with a bang.

And of course it is extremely hot and likely to remain so for at least the next week.

Exhausted

I went to a land allocation meeting this afternoon and came back absolutely exhausted; feeling shaky and with my stomach churning. I don't really know why except that there were a lot of people at the meeting and there was so much going on at so many different levels. It is hard to tease out all the different strands and to see where we are going. A lot of the time I did not feel in tune with what was going on there.

I sometimes wonder whether I am past going to these sorts of meetings. On the whole they don't achieve very much although often those involved feel that they have done a huge amount of work!

Grateful for reading

Today I found out that someone with whom I have a lot of difficulties getting along with cannot read and write. I had guessed as much but was told this was definitely the case today as somehow he never learned while at school. It explains a lot about his attitude to me and the huge chip he has on his shoulder. No wonder he flies off the handle if he feels he is not getting enough respect as not being able to read and write probably makes him feel at a terrible disadvantage compared to everyone else.

It has made me think about how grateful I am to be able to read. How grateful I am for all the pleasure that I get from my books as well as the possibility to look up anything that I want to know about. I love this picture (which I found on the internet) where the man is going into a completely different world through his book. I seem to be a doing a lot of this myself nowadays especially when things seem very bleak. There is nothing like a good story to give me a different perspective and change my mood.

Round and round and round and round

It has been a very agitating day. I realised when I got back from the seaside last night that I had left my art tablet in my room, so this morning I had to go back and get it. Then I seem to have spend the rest of the day running around trying to sort stuff out, either practically or on my computer (where I am still having problems with the internet) or organisationally - writing letters and that sort of thing.

I am feeling very hot and bothered and hope I will have enough time to get the last little jobs done before I go to my yoga class, as I know I won't feel like doing anything when I come back.

I always feel more calm looking and listening to the sea so I have put this picture as the wallpaper on my computer.

Still morning

I woke up to an exceptionally still morning, which I think is quite unusual down at the beach. I'm not sure the picture captures the stillness but it does capture the very bright morning sunlight that I thought of as a present during this rather dark time for me.

The rubbish at my feet

Last night I came to Sri Ma on the beach for another weekend away. I seem to have spent most of today either working or reading so really needed a walk on the beach in the evening when it is cooler to blow all the cobwebs away from my brain. Unlike a lot of the beaches on this part of the coast the sand is not disappearing and walking along the sand with the breeze and the sound of the sea is lovely. Until you look down and see all the rubbish that we people have thrown away and which has found its way onto the sand.

Daniele, who is running Sri Ma, says that he regularly goes and cleans up on the beach but of course there is always more from the wind and from the tides. Such a pity and I feel very overwhelmed at the scale of the problem and the seeming impossibility of doing anything about it.

Buddha in Buddha Garden

Pierre found this very beautiful head of the Buddha in a shop in Pondy and brought it back to Buddha Garden where he is going to find a place for it. He took pictures of it in different parts of Buddha Garden and I had a hard time choosing which one to use. I finally choose this one because it shows all the green plants we are growing in the back ground.

As I was looking at the picture it occurred to me that perhaps what we need is a bit more of the Buddha consciousness in Buddha Garden. During this very hot time and after what I have experience with the Farm group I sometimes feel as if I am drowning in a sea of negativity that feels as if it is seeping into me.

Spring cleaning

This is the time of year when we often do this sort of job as we don't have so many volunteers and there is less work with fewer people in Auroville so no need to grow so much. Vivek told me this job was in the pipeline, but it was still a surprise this morning when the painting team, led by Natarajan who used to be a volunteer here, turned up and took everything out of the store room and started work. They seem to be very working very quickly and it is planned to be completely finished tomorrow.

Already it is looking very good and will be lovely when it is finished.

Classic Indian repair!

This is what I came back to last night - classic Indian plumbing repair. There were also wet patches all over the place suggesting that there had been a flood........

Today Rajan told me that he connected all the pipes up, turned the tap on, and then got a flood because there is a blockage in the pipe and the water backed up and flooded everywhere. It must have been really annoying because he thought he had finished. As I am going away this weekend Rajan is going to get someone in to mend it. He won't do the whole job but will at least unblock the pipe so it is usable.

One very good effect of this method of plumbing is that it shows up how much water is being used. I am rather shocked and will take action to use less.

My horrible plumbing

A lot of things seem to be going wrong at the moment - from the internet which I can't get to work properly, despite spending a lot of money on it, to the plumbing of my sink which failed today and spewed water everywhere. There is a design fault which can only be repaired with a lot of knocking down of walls and re-plastering which I so far couldn't bear to have done while I am still living here. As it would mean the sink being out of action for at least a week.

Last time when I had this problem Rajan managed to get the sink working without flooding but warned me it was only a temporary solution which would eventually fail. Which is what happened today. Rajan says he can get it working again this evening but once more it will only be a temporary solution.

I have decided that I will have the whole thing properly repaired while I am away and don't have to deal with the mess. Its funny how things often seem to break in this heat.

Our owls

We all got cricks in our necks yesterday looking at these beautiful owls that were sitting in our Peepul tree. They were right near the top of the tree and sat there during the day seemingly not minding the group of us looking up and talking about them.

I tried to take a picture on my little camera but missed them on every photograph that I took. Fortunately Nitish, one of our volunteers with a much better camera, managed to take this picture.

New growth

I went down to Jalabhoomi - the place of water - last night and was stunned to see how green the grass had become. Obviously its because of the recent rains but I am always amazed how a parched and dried up brown area suddenly becomes green and verdant after rain - and so quickly.

It really is an unending miracle how the new grows out of the old.

Clouds in my eye

I woke up with a gummy left eye - probably blepharitis again. It was like having clouds in my eye especially as I have been feeling really depressed. There were times when I really didn't know how I was going to get through the next minutes, never mind the rest of the day.

I felt so disconnected with everything.

Then Vivek suggested that I look at the possibility of us doing podcasts about organic food growing from Buddha Garden. It seems like it would be a wonderful thing for us to do. It would be interesting and is very doable with open source software and a decent microphone. And it would connect us with people all over the world rather than focusing just on the gold fish bowl of Auroville.

Now I feel some enthusiasm for something.

Under my skin

Yesterday I had a meeting with someone who really got under my skin. As I sat there I felt all these prickles rubbing up against me. In the end I got cross, which was very silly as it was what he wanted so that he could feel superior to me.

I am not sure what would have been the best defence. At the time I wondered if I should move further away. Or grow a thicker skin - which I would rather not as it might mean I became less sensitive.

Maybe I just need a stronger force field that deactivates the tips of the spines.

Everything dysfunctional

Today has been a horrible day when nothing has worked and I have heard nothing but how a lot of things are not working in Auroville.

It started off with Vivek and Pierre having an argument about cashew money. What was so stupid was that they actually agreed with each other about what should happen but somehow got into a slanging match - ridiculous. The there was a meeting which wasn't a meeting as only two people turned up at different times - each with their stories about how various things in the community were not working. I then almost missed a meeting and allowed someone to get under my skin which led to a very negative exchange. I came back to Buddha Garden to find that one of the volunteers has been asking around for drugs. He will have to go.

I look forward to my yoga class later today which will hopefully help me to restore my balance!

Trying to connect

I am still experiencing a lot of problems with the internet. The WiMax has now been withdrawn and Rajan got me a Vodaphone dongle that worked really well for about 24 hours and ever since has been impossible. It is so slow that I have problems even loading web sites. I think it may have been something to do with the rainy weather but this morning nothing was working except the very limited internet that we have in the office.

The picture is of me with my dongle trying to connect up with a signal. This morning I tried the dongle in various places in my room, upstairs and downstairs in the office and it didn't work very well anywhere. Pierre has now brought me an extension cable that he thinks may help but we have to find somewhere where we can get a good signal first.

As usual I feel really miserable as I can't get on with my work (which relies on an internet connection) and I hate not being able to skype Emma and Sam. At the same time I feel very disconnected with other things - the Farm group and Auroville.

I think it is a general disconnection that I feel and that the internet problems are only one part of it.

Presents

Yesterday I received two presents which was lovely. The first was the meditation cushion which Karl gave me for helping to sell his bicycle. He is off to live in the USA and was selling all his stuff and asked me to advertise his bike in Auroville - which I did - thinking that it would probably not sell. But amazingly it not only sold but he got a good price for it.

The second present was given to me as a leaving present by Kevin, a volunteer who has been here for some months. This is not something I would buy myself but it is really lovely. I am choosing a flower card for each day and today I got the marigold whose quality is 'perseverance' or 'the decision to go to the very end'. I feel it may relate to how I feel about Auroville where this quality is greatly needed if I am going to stay here.

It was a lovely feeling to receive these very unexpected presents.

First rains

There has been a tremendous amount of rain since it started raining yesterday - its more like the monsoon than the summer. Everything is very wet especially where we did the earth works at the back of Buddha Garden. As it has been too hot to plant anything here it is a very good example of what happens when there is nothing to hold the soil together. Everything is very sticky and the soil washes down the banks very easily and it looks most unstable. I wonder whether we need yet another pond!

It was lovely to see how the ponds all filled up and the stream that we dug from the pond near the well to the large pond beautifully. This enables us to keep all the water on the land.

Clouds building...

This morning the clouds were building up and I could hear thunder rumbling around. With the sun rising the light on the clouds looked really beautiful and I managed to get this picture.

Everyone thinks that rain will come soon - but will it? Apparently there was a shower of rain in a nearby village yesterday but we didn't get a drop. It has gone very grey and overcast as I write this, but this time of year you can never tell whether rain will come or not. Maybe it is raining down by the beach and perhaps it will move to us.

It has now got very dark and I hear and smell rain nearby!  And now it has arrived - wonderful - the first rain for six months.

Magical paths

I went cycling this morning to collect some clothes that I had had made. The place was right across the other side of Auroville and I decided to use cycle paths instead of the roads which I find very bleak and full of people rushing around on motor bikes. I had forgotten how magical these little paths can be.

The paths are really beautiful compared with the horrible wide roads. I think the flowers on this path made it especially lovely.

Unforgiving sun

Today I went for a meeting which was held under a large Banyan tree. In this very hot weather trees are usually a wonderful source of coolness but not this one. The tree was very large with large branches but there seemed to be few leaves and wherever I sat the sun shined unrelentingly onto me.

Phew!

Good memories

As today is May 1st and a holiday I went to nearby Siddhartha Forest to take pictures for Dirk with whom I started Siddhartha forest about sixteen or seventeen years ago. When we went there it was mostly very eroded land and a gravel pit on which Dirk planted a forest. He now lives in France and asked me to take some pictures so he could see how the forest was doing.

We moved to Siddhartha forest from another community where we had experienced a lot of problems. It took me a year or more to heal from this experience and planting Siddhartha forest and living there was an important part of the healing process. As I was walking around I came across this water tank that Dirk painted and it brought back lots of lovely memories. It was the time I spend here that enabled me to move to where I am now in Buddha Garden.

I was happy to report to Dirk that the forest in Siddhartha forest is flourishing.