The burial

Goodbye Kim. I hope you find rest and peace.

We are still crying

Another grey and cold day as if the place is still crying for Kim. Her husband came today and I have spent most of my day going around with him. Got very annoyed with the police who kept going on about how he must inform the family. Husband explained how complicated her family is but felt compelled to comply and phoned up her 15 year old daughter as we were on the way to the Town Hall to talk to the WC. He used her mother's phone, tried to get her father's phone number but she wouldn't give it to him so he just baldly told her that her mother had committed suicide. Then he broke down and became rather short. Fortunately she was staying with friends who then took over.

Poor child. The police seem more concerned with covering their own backsides and getting off on time and don't seem very sensitive. They were struggling with the language because he doesn't speak Tamil and he got quite annoyed at how they kept asking him the same questions again and again. He is also very tired and grief stricken.

A terrible day

Pierre came to my house this morning with Simon who had gone to see Kim and found her dead body instead. She had hanged herself. I went to see and it was horrible. She must have been there for several days and her body was very swollen, distorted and smelly.

It has been a day of dealing with everything that such an event entails. Talking to Auroville security, the police and filling out innumerable forms and finding the forms of everyone staying in Buddha Garden. She has a husband, who is coming tomorrow, and a 15 year old daughter in Australia who will have to be told at some point. Maybe I will do it with her husband tomorrow.......

It seems that she probably died the night of the 25^th and I wonder if some of the intense feelings of depression and sadness that I experienced on that day came from her. It has been a grey and rainy day, as if the whole place is crying for Kim.

High highs and low lows

A day of highs and lows. Was very upset indeed to find that several volunteers had made a big fire in the middle of the stone circle to cook some food. I have told them so many times that if they want to light a fire, then they should use the designated fire place. Not only did they not use the fire place, but they used some of the special stones in the fire so they are all black. And of course none of them cleared up afterwards so there is now a horrible pile of ash and other rubbish in the middle of the stone circle.

This afternoon a friend rang and said that she had a present for me. We met at Pitanga and she gave me this packet with instructions to 'keep it safe'. It was only much later when I got back that I found she had given me Rs25,000 for Buddha Garden.

I was overwhelmed and speechless.

With Ashok

Things more or less back to normal and had a nice dinner out with Ashok when we had a good conversation together.

Christmas day

We worked today, even Pierre who said he was not going to work but ended up on fire because the Visitors Centre had asked for 4kg of lettuce today. The morning was fine with a lot of work getting done and then a special breakfast and 'secret Santa' organised by one of the volunteers.

Afterwards it was really nice just to come and quietly work on my computer, but I felt incredibly sad. I suppose because I was missing my family, especially the grandchildren. At the same time my stomach began to feel very upset and sore.

I have tried just to feel it, but at times it has felt overwhelming almost too much to bear. Spending time reaching out to people I wanted to contact seemed to ease it a bit, even when they have not replied. I still do not feel very happy and as if what I am doing here is not worth very much yet depends too much on me. Oh dear. I will be grateful for the sparks of joy which I know are around and within me if I look and really see what is going on.

The picture is my Christmas corner which I did despite the feelings of sadness. 

Clearing out

Eco-service came, at last, and took away all our rubbish. Huge amounts of glass (mostly alcohol bottles) and a very large amount of cigarette butts given that we are supposed to be a smoke free place! I feel really pleased that it is now clean and tidy and I am going to make a big effort to ensure that it stays like that. Rajan has suggested that we tidy it up once a week and I think that is a very good idea.

Pierre doesn't want to work tomorrow and in response I told him about how I see work in Buddha Garden. That it is the focus of what we do here and something that we do together to create something for our basic needs. That I want to celebrate it tomorrow with working together and then a special breakfast.  Lets see if he feels he can come when it is like that.

The sun came out today and as a result the idea for the new embroidery has developed. I don't want to draw it just yet, but I am going to call it 'the return of the sun to put light in dark corners'. I feel there has been a clearing out and with that new energy is coming in.

A weight of lettuce

A picture to show that the lettuce has at last started growing although it is taking longer than expected. Not surprisingly Pierre is very pleased. Now it seems the monsoon is over but it remains cloudy.

Perhaps when we get some sun it will grow according the schedule that Pierre has set out.

New idea

I had an idea for a new embroidery which I want to call 'light in dark corners' and will go at the back of a little table that I have. This is the first expression of it which doesn't look quite right but is nevertheless a step towards it – even if I discard it completely. It gives me something to work on.

Today Pierre and I decided that we will not have any more parties and I told everyone this morning. Surprisingly I felt a lot of relief coming from everyone. Maybe others were also thinking that things were going out of control but didn't know what to do about it. Either that or they just didn't want to take responsibility themselves and preferred me to be clear for them to follow. I was quite surprised.

Last night was the winter solstice and the longest night, which is for me the end of the year. As always, however, the end of year is not a point but a gradual turning from the old to the new. So I will carry on until I feel that process has happened.

Cleared desk

This is a picture of my desk as it looks after I cleared it this morning. I realised that today is the winter solstice which for me is when the seasons turn and thus the end of the year. I feel that all this rearranging and clearing is part of readjusting to the new that is to come.

At the same time I feel very sad at how the volunteers here at the moment do not seem to be aware of or respect the energy that we are trying to create. There seem to be parties galore with drinking and smoking and I am tired of seeing people sitting and smoking just outside the gate. Its a horrible thing to have to see and pass just as you go into Buddha Garden. I keep explaining to everyone and hope that they will understand and act accordingly.

I do not want to have to be Big Mummy with the Heavy Hand, but maybe to preserve what is here that is what I will have to do.  Which is a very depressing thought for the end of the year.

Rearranging

This is a picture of my beautifully clean and rearranged room. I got some help which made it much easier than usual to move the furniture and it also meant that I got a lot of cleaning done. There is not a cobweb to be seen!

Stonework

This is the picture of a lovely stone wall made by one of the volunteers in Buddha Garden. No mortar so stones can be subtracted and added to as needed.

It makes the sitting place under the tree feel much more of a place.

Satisfying

This is a picture of us clearing up in the Seed Garden. I find it so satisfying when there are a group of us working together that clears up a whole area rather than just doing one job. This morning we cut the grass, planted a new bed and weeded everything. It looked and felt beautiful.

Mandala

We had unexpected rain this morning – quite heavy after we had finished work. Its been a rather indifferent monsoon so this extra rain is welcome. Despite the wet and mud I somehow managed to get to the Post Office and send off the last of my Christmas cards, presents and letters.

I came back from yoga and wondered what sort of picture to do but couldn't think of anything. So I played around and came up with this mandala. No idea what meaning, if any, is in it. Except maybe that despite the energy of the curves and squiggles it seems quite balanced.

Which maybe means that somehow there is a balance around me even if it doesn't feel like it. 

Study in lettuce

Today is the last official day of the monsoon and it seems that the lettuce is suddenly starting to produce, although I don't know how much of it is making the 100grms/plant that Pierre needs. We have loads of seedlings in the nursery and I do hope that we are able to get rid of them all.

Very busy and an unending list of things to do, which includes finishing all my Christmas stuff.

Keeping the balance

I have been thinking about rearranging my room for some time and this morning this I found myself doing it. I was a bit half hearted at first as looking at it altogether it seems quite a daunting task and I am not even certain that I will like it when it is done.

I started in the kitchen area, which is what the picture shows, although what it doesn't show is all the rearranging done behind the curtains. Together with quite a lot of throwing out of stuff. Its good to do it one section at a time, however, as that only takes a few hours which this time of year are always interspersed with people wanting to talk to me. Come to think of it I am not quite sure why I have to do this job at this busy time of the year, but it won't be the first time this has happened to me.

When I went to the communal kitchen one of the volunteers asked me to draw one of her tarot cards which was 'keeping the balance' which I think pretty much says what I am doing at the moment. I feel like the anchor here and to do that I have to be well anchored in my home – so hence the clearing out and reorganising to make it more like it needs to be if I am going to do that work.

Christmas not finished

I got up this morning determined to get the last Christmas things off to the Post Office. I started early writing a lot of letters and sent them to Rajan for printing. Then I packed up a lot of the presents, including the last large one to my sister and her children. Lastly I went to the Visitors Centre to get the remaining cards and little presents and came back feeling rather pleased. It was only just gone 10.00am and all I had to do was put the cards and letters together and then I could go to the Post Office and send everything off.

Christmas would be finished!

Except of course it wasn't as Rajan found a rats nest in the printer which has had to go and be mended.

Ah well; just goes to show I suppose that things take the time they do to get finished. It was nice to find a present to me at the Post Office from one of my daughters. The picture shows all still to go, but its either just cards and letters or small things so hopefully they will make it before the 25^th.

Like a hedgehog

When I went out to work this morning I was met by Pierre who told me that he has taken on another dog. It is for a French woman who is going back to France tomorrow and wants Pierre to look after it until she can get it over to France in several months time. I am rather cross as that means we now have six dogs on the place which I think is too much. And although Pierre does do a lot of the looking after, he is often out and then of course we have to take up the slack. Lets see if this woman actually takes the dog....... maybe things will feel different when she gets back to France.

I get to the kitchen to find that only four people are there so I get them started on something and gradually people drift in and I give them different jobs. Then I have to rush off because my stomach is grinding and when I come back I find that Pierre has taken all the best volunteers again! It does exasperate me that he does that without talking with me! Somehow I find myself doing all the picking but having to organise people at the same time.

The picture I think expresses very well how I felt after all that. I felt that my hair was standing on end with all the tension and all I wanted to do was roll into a small ball. If I had prickles like a hedgehog so much the better because then it would mean that no one could get at me.

Fairy rings

When I walked through the cashew orchard this morning it was as if the trees had all been wreathed in fairy rings. Each one had a mulch of grass around it and it had the effect of making it all seem very magical in the bright sunshine.

Unfortunately the picture doesn't show very well just how magical it looked as I couldn't seem to get far enough away to get several of the trees and their rings in the picture. To do that maybe I need my own drone with a camera to take a picture from above.

Sparkling droplets

After a shower last night it was damp and misty this morning and it rained very gently during the work time. I was really pleased with this picture as I just got the moment when there were lots of droplets on the banana leaf and the sun was shining through them and making them sparkle.

It was just lucky as I was so busy I didn't have time to sit and wait for the right moment, but somehow I got it anyway.

Rather tense

At the end of the day I am feeling rather tense as I seem to have been sorting out 'stuff' all day. This has ranged from dealing with inter personal conflicts, giving information to volunteers, going to a Farm group meeting that was eventually abandoned and then having to redo some posters that were the wrong size. Its been a bit like swimming through mud.

Amongst all that I somehow managed to finish off the hangings by putting the poles in top and bottom and tying a plaited string to the top pole. I then took pictures of them all to post on the website, but most of them did not come out very well.

I decided to choose my favourite picture for today and this is the hanging which I have called 'cyclone'. I rather like how the light comes in at the top and the all the coils reflect a bit how I am feeling inside at the moment.

I love this scarf

I have been so busy today. I have stopped trying to do anything during work time but spend the time facilitating everyone else to do the work. This means I spend the whole time whirling around Buddha Garden making sure that everything and everyone is OK.

We have had a lot of people turn up so I have been constantly talking to people which includes the two people who turned up for the Introductory Course. As usual I seem to have a huge amount of stuff to do and process. I haven't even thought about pictures all day.

So I have used a picture of a scarf that I was working on yesterday as it is a prize in the draw we are going to have as part of our fund raising. Its made of cashmere and is wonderfully soft and warm. I like it so much that I have bought three of them for three of my nephews and nieces for Christmas. It really is lovely and I think the picture somehow captures something of the loveliness of it.

A day of pictures

Yesterday I had a somewhat heated discussion with Pierre about the problems we had with the last lot of volunteers who were turning Buddha Garden into a party place with drugs and alcohol. Pierre wanted to put up posters about the sort of behaviour expected. But I didn't want a lot of stuff around the place saying 'no' and in any case I am tired of being Big Mummy trying to keep everyone in order.

This morning, however, I woke up with what I should say just there in my brain. Something that talked about what we are trying to create, rather than just saying 'no'. So the first job was to make two posters for the Jalabhoomi area and the stone circle. Then I spent quite a bit of time posting pictures and descriptions on the website of things that are going to be prizes in our fund raising draw. So I felt I have done a lot with pictures today.

Progression

This is how the left side of my body seems to have progressed since I fell down and injured my foot. These images derived from my yoga practice. At first it seemed very red and clunky, then the colour faded and today it feels as if everything has been smoothed out.

Despite that my foot still aches and I am also having trouble with my eyes. My right eye is very swollen, I think because I got bitten by something on the side of my right eyelid last night. It was very itchy but felt much better this morning when I woke up with the swelling. My left eye feels as if I have something like conjunctivitis and it is weeping quite a lot.

My body feels as if it has a lot of hurts in it. When I am in the midst of trying to sort out a lot of things in Buddha Garden.

Clear space

This is a picture of part of the cashew field that we cleared up this morning. It seems to symbolise a lot of the clearness that is going on at the moment. This includes a large number of volunteers leaving, some of whom have been here for some time, making way for a large number of people coming next week.

Hopefully it is also making space for the money to flow in that we need to build new accommodation for volunteers and a new kitchen. Maybe there will be new things for me too as well as a space in which to breathe in the middle of all the busyness that seems to be my lot at the moment.

A toy for the boys

Today a group of volunteers (all men) seemed to have a very enjoyable time with the chaff cutter. This is an old and very basic piece of equipment used by many farmers to cut up food like maize stalks for the cows. We tend to use it for cutting up stuff for the compost although in this case we were cutting up material that we had cut yesterday from around the kitchen.

I don't like the machine very much because I am always worried about getting my fingers stuck in it when I feed through the material to be cut up. Volunteers often find it quite hard because it gives a very good work out as its hard work pushing that wheel around fast enough.  As a result they don't usually want to do it for very long. This group was different in that they really seemed to enjoy themselves getting a lot of material cut up.

I am writing this just before going to yoga. I will try not to push myself hard like I did last time.

My left foot

In this picture my left foot looks OK, but I have had quite a time with it today. This morning I was walking through the gate into the cashew orchard when I was knocked over from behind by the dogs rushing through. I think there probably wasn't enough space to get out of my way in time. I fell down quite heavily on my left buttock (not my tail bone thank goodness) and jarred my foot and ankle. My foot felt very painful as it was quite cold at the time.

It was a bit of a shock to the body and my foot has continued to give me little tweaks of pain all day. I just hope that it won't stiffen up over night. Despite this I somehow managed to wrap up all my Christmas parcels today and may even get them to the post office tomorrow.

I have had a lot of problems with my left foot over the years. I remember on the day before the cyclone I fell over and hurt it but somehow managed to get over it to do all the things I needed to do after the cyclone had struck. I often think it happens when I need to slow down. At the moment I don't feel that I am going too fast but I do have a huge amount of things to deal with and maybe I do need to slow down in terms of dealing with each thing as it comes rather than try to juggle everything simultaneously.

Feeling fragile

Today I have been feeling rather fragile after a bad night. I went to yoga where I think I rather over did things – our teacher is away on a course and so we are having an 'open space' and at times I pushed myself too hard. I woke up in the middle of the night and was aware of having jerked my neck turning over and for a while I was rather dizzy. It subsided after I kept my head still but it took a long time to go back to sleep.

Despite that I did a lot today, especially on the fund raising, and feel quite tired as I write this. I think this picture of one of our roccolla seedlings which we are offering to the community expresses very well how I have felt today.

Poster up

Today is the first day of our fund raiser and so we put the big poster up in Buddha Garden to tell everyone about it. I am so short that even when I got on a chair I couldn't reach to tie up the poster and had to get someone taller to do it!

Over the weekend I set up the website and wrote letters to various unit holders asking them for prizes for our draw. All contributors will be eligible and I want the prizes to give 'A touch of Auroville'. I was surprised at how I felt as I wrote these letters – that I didn't have the right to even ask for their help...... Yet four have replied very positively.