A moment of stillness

Towards the end of this afternoon I felt really out of sorts.  A visit with a friend had been cancelled and I had just got the estimate for rebuilding the third cabin which was more than I expected.  If the costs are correct it means that the cabin that Pierre is building is also going to be more expensive than we bargained for.  I do have to remember, though, that the building is still going to be pretty cheap.  It looks like it will cost around Rs30,000 which is not so much compared with over Rs1,00,000 and probably more to build anything else.

I also phoned up my friend David because he visited Buddha Garden a few days ago and talked with Pierre about various things they could do on with building the cabin.  One of them was to paint the roof panels white and according to Pierre David had a special paint that could be used.  Turns out it is whitewash more or less, which will be fine for the walls, but won't work on the roof panels at all.  I got a bit cross because it was obvious to me that David doesn't know what he is talking about in this instance, but he kept going on about 'experimenting', when I don't want to waste time and money doing something that I don't think has much of a chance of being successful.  We have wasted enough money in this last year on advice that didn't work.  I think I am also worried that it will encourage Pierre to try all sorts of different things like the cement roofs which I am really not keen on unless he does it with someone who knows what they are doing.  I think they are a huge amount of work and I have had experience of too many that don't keep the rain out!

Feeling a bit cross and fed up I went for a walk to the stone circle and experienced this  period of absolute stillness. Nothing seemed to be moving from the trees to the clouds in the sky which was an amazing light blue colour.  It felt as if the earth was holding its breath and within this I felt myself stop worrying and fretting for a few moments.

Although I took this picture several days ago at the time of the full moon it was what best seemed to express the experience today.

Who was there?

While I was asleep last night I dreamed that someone was holding my feet.  It was a very warm comforting feeling and I called out 'whose there?' and it was in doing this I think that I woke myself up.  In this half asleep state I had a very strong sense of someone being there and then as I woke up and realised that I was on my own I started to feel quite spooked. I felt a strong sense of there being someone in the room who had been holding my feet. It was only as I became properly awake that I realised that I must have been dreaming.

The spooky feeling was with me for some time today, but thinking about it more I see it may have been to do with my difficulty in surrendering to the wonderful feeling of having my feet held.  The hands doing it felt very warm and loving and my feel felt as if they were glowing.   Funny how I wanted to find out who was doing it rather than just enjoy the experience.

Maybe that is what the dream was trying to tell me.  To enjoy more and try to work things out less.  

Later in the day I went to a NIA class where I felt strongly that whatever presence was there belonged to the earth.

A bad tempered meeting

We had a Vegetable group meeting this morning which ended up with a lot of bad temper, especially on my part.  We were asked, yet again, to provide information about our crop planting for the next three months.  We keep doing this - again and again and again - and yet it seems there is no one coordinating the information and taking action on it.  We end up with the same problems of gluts and shortages as we have had ever since I have been farming in Auroville.

I got really cross and I think this is what the picture is really about - me talking to me.  I am so frustrated by it all as in Buddha Garden we do make an effort to not only keep the necessary records but also to give them to the person who is supposed to be doing the coordination.  Somehow though, the coordination never seems to happen and over time we have found ways of dealing with our gluts.  And we just go on doing that.........

Gifts from the garden

Today is my birthday and I got a lovely card from all the volunteers as well as a selection of fruit that Rajan found for me in the garden.  In the picture the fruit is on the dress that I bought as a special treat for myself on Saturday.

Taking the picture was much, much more difficult than I anticipated.  I thought it was just a case of arranging everything and then pointing the camera.  Not so!  I had the extra problem of trying to get proper lighting  because I didn't have time to take the picture until after dark and of course I don't have proper photography lights.  I couldn't include the card because it is very shiny and with the light shining or rather flashing off it I couldn't get a decent picture.  I'm sure there is a technique in taking such photos of shiny things but I couldn't work out what it is. Then it was difficult to arrange everything so it looked like - what exactly? Interesting? Pleasing to the eye?  Balanced? I don't know really as I didn't have a clear idea about what the picture was trying to express.

I just wanted to take a picture of things that meant something to me on this day.     The dress which I love wearing and the wondrous bounty of the food that we produce in Buddha Garden month after month.  This being an expression of the very deep satisfaction I still get from doing this work.

All this in a day where I feel I have constantly been running to catch up which is very typical of this time of year.  I sometimes think I should be like the queen and have an official birthday at a less busy time when there would be time to do something like meditating or even just sitting down and drawing a very slow breath......  

Hard work on my bike

For the last week or so I have found it really hard work cycling.  I thought maybe my age was at last catching up with me and I was losing my strength or maybe I was sickening for something.  Then I found out that there was something wrong with the back brake and I had been cycling with the brake on.  No wonder it was such hard work!

It seems to be something of a metaphor for my life at the moment which is why I created the picture.  There are many things I want to do but there seem to be a lot of impediments and I wonder if I am in some way putting the brakes on myself - being my own worst enemy.

It is mainly to do with money as I want to do more things than I have money to pay for them.  I will therefore have to pay close attention to see what what it is I deeply want to do, rather than what I would just like to do.  At the same time I have to see how things develop as usually I find it becomes clear as to how things are flowing and what is possible and what is not.

And trust that when I really need to do something the support needed will be there to do it.  Would the Divine ask me to do something and then not give me the necessary material support to do it?  Maybe if she wanted to have a little joke I suppose!

Sunset seen through spaces

It was the Indian Republic day today so everything very quiet.

I was surprised I was able to create this picture tonight.  I had a meeting this afternoon which, although not difficult in terms of interpersonal communication, was dealing with a difficult conflict situation on one of the farms.  Some of the people involved wanted to come and talk to me, I think because they wanted to express their point of view and be listened to. I was surprised by how much I allowed myself to be dragged down by listening about a situation in which trust has disappeared along with any means of reasonable communication.  

Even after all this time, and knowing how Auroville works, I find it hard not to get depressed at some of the things that happen here.  Although of course such events are all part of the process of transformation - or can be if approached in the right way.  

When I came back from my NIA dance class I was feeling very uninspired and didn't think I would be able to create anything.  But once again just doodling on my iPad seemed to get my creative juices flowing.  I found out how to create the beautiful sky colours and gradations of the very gentle sunset that I saw on my way back from the class.  I was SO pleased with myself!  

I had actually viewed the sky through a tracery of leaves - through spaces - and this is what I have tried to express in the picture.  Maybe when I am confronted with difficult situations I have to try to see through them like I saw the sunset through the leaves...... to try and find the spaces and then to look through them and see the positive side of the situation.  Instead of dwelling on the negatives.

Relentlessly upward

Friday at last but there doesn't seem to be any pause in in my life when I can just sit down and draw breath.  I think the picture shows very well what my life feels like at the moment - constant and unremitting effort.  But at least it looks like I am going somewhere and not just going round and round like a hamster in a wheel.  I have no idea where I may be going though!

I walked around Buddha Garden this evening and it looks really wonderful with all the weeding more or less up to date and the plants growing well.  The building that Pierre is doing is coming on very well indeed and I do hope that by the time he goes on February 8th that it will be ready to have the roof put on so it can be done while he is away.

When Pierre goes I may be on my own in Buddha Garden as Vivek had to fly to Delhi today to deal with a family emergency and has no idea when he will be back.  If I do have to run everything on my own I hope there will be some sensible volunteers around that I can rely on.  But even so it feels like I will have to keep on walking up up up up up up up.........

Happy and delighted

Today I have been worrying quite a lot as I still hadn't heard from Emma.  I'd been hearing various things about a heart problem, but whether it was Emma or Samuel wasn't clear.  Finally we got to talk and it seems that the so called heart problem was caused by Emma's very low haemaglobin level.  

She could have had a blood transfusion, but this would have meant staying in hospital another three days - I can't imagine why.  Instead she decided to take the iron tablets and eat an iron rich diet at home, which she says is much more peaceful.  She found it very difficult indeed to sleep with all the hospital noises.

I did enjoy talking to her so much and have felt happy, delighted and relieved every since!

The house grows

Another day when I have felt totally uninspired as far as pictures are concerned.  I doodled for a while but nothing seemed to materialize so I gave up and decided to use a picture from my day's activities.  Which in this case happens to be building our new volunteer cabin.

What was really good this morning was that Benito came to help.  He has already built two houses for himself so knows something about how to do it.  As a result he was able to give advice about how to do some of the jobs more easily and better and as a result the work started to go a lot faster.

The other thing is that this happened spontaneously.  It is as if the house is growing like the grass - without any effort on my part.  Given all the other things I have to think about and deal with right now this gives me a lot of confidence and pleasure.  Confidence that the right energy we need is flowing to and with us and pleasure because of how it helps Buddha Garden to develop.

I realise that I have started to worry about Emma and Samuel again as I haven't heard from her and it looks like that she hasn't gone home yet.  I do hope that everything is OK.

My snake.....

I have had horrible day today for a variety of reasons - a less than inspiring meeting,  having to deal with constant interruptions especially while eating, having to talk to too many people, having to think about too many problems....... I have ended up feeling quite upset.  

Going out for a walk really helped as did creating this picture.

I remembered that when I was going through a nervous breakdown I used to spend a lot of time just colouring pictures which I found very soothing.  So I drew this picture to colour in and found that it did have a soothing effect.

The pleasure from this picture came entirely from doing it.

Working together

Once again I have been extremely busy and when it came to trying to create a picture, I just couldn't do it.  I didn't have any inspiration despite doodling for quite a long time.

I took a lot of photos today though, so I decided to use one of them.

This is a picture of all of us working together to make compost.  I love it when we work together like this.  Everything and everyone seems to flow and I get a feeling of unity and oneness which is what Auroville is trying to achieve.  And of course we also get a compost heap which is the basic necessity for our work in Buddha Garden.  Without maintaining the fertility of the soil we wouldn't be able to grow anything.

Birth day

Samuel was born at about ten minutes past twelve this morning, so he is an aquarian like his grandparents!  Apparently he weighed 8lb1oz which, while being a good weight is I think less than Emma was led to believe he would weigh.  I love how alert he looks in this picture which was taken about an hour and a half after he was born.

I feel SO happy and relieved that he has arrived and the picture is my welcome to him.

Frazzled

At the end of the day I feel as if I am on my knees with the weight of all my responsibilities and demands with my nerves in shreds. I think the picture gives rather a good image of how I feel and I got a lot of satisfaction from creating it.

Today there has been a tremendous amount to do, both practically and on the computer, while in the background there is a constant procession of people wanting to see me to ask questions. Volunteers wanting to know about this and that together with a string of phone calls and visits from people wanting to stay. Thank goodness for NIA dance which I went to this evening and danced all my frustrations away.

Emma has gone into hospital and it seems she is already in labour and has started dilating so may not  need any further medication to get properly going.   I think Samuel has been waiting so that he can be born an Aquarian like his grandparents....

Joy of birth

Last night I had a very restless night, a lot of it spent worrying about Emma and Samuel and the impending birth.

Towards the end of the night I had a dream which was just a flash but which gave me a very strong image.  I saw Samuel in the clouds who had the most wonderful glowing smile.  He was swaddled in white cloth and he smiled at me and said 'Everything is OK' and 'I am ready to be born'. In the picture I think he looks as if he is in some kind of chrysalis from which he is going to emerge.

It is difficult to describe the incredible sense of joy that Samuel was radiating through his smile which washed over me in waves.  I had a great sense of calm and a feeling that Samuel was looking forward to being born that everything was going to go really well and positively.  That everything was organised and proceeding just as it should.

It reminded me again of the tremendous joy of giving birth which with all the tension and worry about things that might go wrong often gets lost.  However Samuel is born it will be a joyful miracle.

It reminded me of the following quotation:

“All shall be well, and all shall be well and all manner of thing shall be well.”
― Julian of Norwich

Time to be born

Heard from Emma today to say that if nothing has happened by Saturday then she will be going into hospital to be induced.  So one way or the other Samuel will be here by the 21st.

Another very busy day with lots of things to think about and sort out.  During my meditation this afternoon I got this very strong image which, because a meeting was cancelled, I had time to do immediately.  Obviously it is about Samuel and his imminent birth but I don't know what it all means.

I do hope he doesn't make it more difficult for Emma by waiting to be induced.

Blue fire

Today was Pongal so everywhere was closed.  No work, apart from the daily chores like watering.  All day I have had a procession of people coming to my door wanting to stay and/or to look around and ask me questions.  We really can't manage any more volunteers as we have run out of bedding and mosquito nets and every inch of floor space seems to be in use.

At least it has been a chance for me to slow down although I have found myself getting irritated again.  I think it is because of all the questions I had to answer today.  

I don't know where the idea for this picture came from, but I had a strong image of a blue fire.  Something smoldering and coming into life, but not hot and energy consuming.

I wonder what it is.

Tired out

It has been a frantic and exhausting day.  I seem to have had every form of irritation coming my way.  Four new people turned up and there wasn't enough bedding for them because Jaya hadn't done the washing.  Then all day I have had various things to sort out from the watering first thing in the morning to a complicated taxi arrangement for one of the volunteers.  I got really irritated about Rajan who, instead of asking for today off for Pongal, said he would come in for certain hours and then didn't do so. I think he probably thought he couldn't or shouldn't take two days off for Pongal, but I would rather he was upfront and honest about what he wants rather than feeling he has to be devious. I gather that with Jaya having the day off Bharati felt she should have had the day off as well, and perhaps Rajan also felt the same.  Its so silly because I don't mind at all if he has two days off - we could have managed.

As with all the big festivals here there is also a certain sort of frantic energy around which intensified all of the above.

Not surprisingly perhaps I feel very tired and my nerves feel as if they have been shredded.  I think the picture expresses pretty much how I feel and how it has been today.

Colours of my acupuncture session

I had my regular acupuncture session this afternoon and experienced some glorious colours.  Greens and reds that glowed.  I also felt a very intense relaxation in my hips.

It was wonderful.

Haven't heard anything from Emma so I suppose that Samuel is still waiting for the right time to come.

Uninspired Sunday January 13th

I was totally uninspired today.  As usual I doodled around but didn't come up with anything.....

This was all I could manage which I think is a very common place sort of image which doesn't seem to relate to anything or anyone.  

Just after doing this I spoke to Emma.  Tom's sister's baby has arrived but is in intensive care.  At that time they hadn't managed to talk to anyone so didn't know what the problem is.  

I am very concerned for all of them.

Dancing for Samuel

Still no sign of Samuel arriving any time soon.....

I went to Nia dance tonight and had this very strong image of dancing for Samuel.  Of showing him the joy of movement so that he will be stimulated to move and be born.

I felt the energy of the dance being sent to him and I hope he responds.  

Mist and sun

This morning was very misty and I loved watching the sun gradually burn through it.  I love the mysteriousness of the mist and the way the sun burns all that away as its light shines into all corners.

I took a lot of pictures and this was my favourite, taken by the guava patch.  It seemed to show that moment where the mystery of the mist is still there and although the sun can be seen it hasn't actually started shining.

This was my second favourite which shows the mist clinging to the palmyra trees around the seed garden.

All coming together

Today I have had a strong sense that, despite difficulties a lot of things are coming together. This includes the recycled house which may be finished tomorrow as well as the renewal of the telephone cable.

As far as the cable is concerned it is more a case of being clearer about how things will proceed rather than having a date for when it will be finished. It seems that the inspection can't take place until after Pongal, so realistically that is likely to be the week after next. The Telephone Service have a special machine which shows how many joins there are and how well they are working. Once we know what is wrong we can decide what to do about it which may require the complete renewal of the cable but might also be something less drastic and expensive. I found out today that even if we do decide we have to renew the whole cable this will be cheaper than expected because I had got confused with the estimate.

There are lots of other things going on and a lot of volunteers around and the picture was an expression of all that is happening and how it comes together without necessarily having a pattern or feeling that everything and everyone is focused on or revolving around a particular point.

wobbling......

Most of the time today I have felt much better than yesterday, but I feel as if I am on a bit of a tightrope.  Every so often I come over feeling rather tired and from time to time my stomach gripes and lets me know that I haven't yet got completely rid of what every was causing the problem.  It feels as if I am suffering from an amoeba attack.

So I feel I have wobbled through today and this is what I have tried to express in the picture.

Guts on fire!

After yesterday's diarrhea my guts gradually got worse and worse.  My stomach was distended and felt as if it was on fire that was going everywhere.  Which is what I have tried to show in the picture.

I was thinking it would probably go on all night, but fortunately it didn't and after sleeping quite well I felt much better this morning.  I didn't feel like much breakfast but managed to work OK and as the day progressed began to feel I had more energy. I went to Pondy this afternoon to look at computers and when I came back my stomach started to feel a bit sore. Which is a sign, I think, that over the next week I shouldn't push myself too much. 

I still feel rather tired and think I probably tried to do too much after the session.  I felt like lying down but also felt that I needed to go and sort out the printer etc.  Once again I am being forced to confront and work out how I can balance all aspects of my life.  Which I don't feel is just a matter of practicalities but also a matter of my priorities and focus.

Vivek came back today and is giving the verbal report to the company tonight.  He seemed very confident going into the meeting and I hope it is going well.

Relaxing spiral

As I write this I do not feel very well.  Just after my acupuncture session I had diarrhea which has gradually got worse and worse.

During the session I felt a lot of energy on my left side and the needles in that side hurt.  I didn't have any strong images during the session, but since then I had a very strong sense of a spiral relaxing within me and this is what I have drawn in the picture.

Although at the moment my stomach feels like it is doing the very opposite of relaxing!

Opening again

When I sat down to create a picture for today I was devoid of any inspiration whatsoever.  I doodled for quite a long time before the above image started to appear.  It was only as I was finishing it that I realised that it was about 'opening' which was the same subject that I tackled from a different part of my brain a few days ago.  Whereas with the last picture I had an idea for a subject and even the image was partly formed, with this image it came from a greater depth and I didn't know what it was until I had almost finished it.

It reminds me of an ova being released.  Which of course is the first step towards having a baby.........

Samuel is due to arrive tomorrow.

Recycling

This morning we spent several hours working on the recycled house which now has two walls and is looking rather good.

I enjoyed myself so much and can understand a bit why so many of the young people coming here want to try building things - ovens, living spaces etc.  We still have two walls to finish, one of which will contain the door and window, but hopefully by the end of next week people will be able to stay there.

Its very satisfying especially thinking about the very small amount of money this has cost us.

Opening

I don't know where this idea came from, except that I spent a long time talking to Emma today.  Despite this I didn't want the picture to be particularly about giving birth and I wanted it to be abstract.  It took me a long time to find the right way of expressing what I wanted the picture to show.  

We have a lot of financial needs in Buddha Garden at the moment.  So perhaps I need to open to different ways of finding money for us - or is that too much like new age twaddle??

Very tired

Another pink picture! But there is a lot of pink in my life at the moment so I feel it is quite appropriate if somewhat repetitive.  This came from today's sunset and what struck me was the clearness of the blue sky that provided a backdrop for the red clouds.  It seemed to intensify the redness.

I have had an extremely intense day but have only in the last hour or so realised how tired I am.  I had to forgo my acupuncture session this morning as someone from the Telephone Service turned up - I have been trying to get this person for the last week or so and felt I couldn't let the opportunity go. Unfortunately Morgane who does the acupuncture is very busy and it doesn't look like we will be able to get together for a session until the same time next week.

I see how valuable these sessions are to me and how I need to protect the time for them more carefully.  I need to make an appointment for myself and put it in my diary! When there is so much going on it is all too easy for me to give up the things I need for myself.  If nothing else, missing the session has made me see its value.

As it ever was....

Back to work today and for some reason I am surprised at how the intensity of the situation hasn't changed.  We have a lot of volunteers which always take quite a lot of energy to look after and there seemed to be a lot of demands on me.  Did I think the New Year would automatically lead to some changes in that?? I guess at one level I must have done.  

The picture expresses very well how I felt and how I would like to be with extra arms and heads to ensure that I could cope with everything!

Within this intensity lots of positive things are happening.  The roof of the recycled house is on and now we can think about how to do the walls.  I have also just heard from Findhorn that they are going to help me financially to attend a conference there in June.  Someone has promised to come from the Telephone Service to test our cable tomorrow which means that at least we can find out what the problem is and hopefully do something about it.

In the pink

I created this picture trying to express what I felt in the pink light of dawn yesterday.  I'm not sure how much I feel 'in the pink' today, as so far, it feels like a rather ordinary day.  But hopefully the picture is a good omen for this coming year when I will have a new grandson and give a presentation at a conference in Findhorn.

This plant grows just by the door of my house.  Going in an out I feel it is constantly giving me this message which I wanted to share with a few of my friends.