A blog to keep me in touch with the visual side of myself. Every day I post something about my life in Buddha Garden, a farm in Auroville, South India
Wednesday, 31 December 2014
We are still crying
Another
grey and cold day as if the place is still crying for Kim. Her
husband came today and I have spent most of my day going around with
him. Got very annoyed with the police who kept going on about how he
must inform the family. Husband explained how complicated her family
is but felt compelled to comply and phoned up her 15 year old
daughter as we were on the way to the Town Hall to talk to the WC.
He used her mother's phone, tried to get her father's phone number
but she wouldn't give it to him so he just baldly told her that her
mother had committed suicide. Then he broke down and became rather
short. Fortunately she was staying with friends who then took over.
Poor
child. The police seem more concerned with covering their own
backsides and getting off on time and don't seem very sensitive.
They were struggling with the language because he doesn't speak Tamil
and he got quite annoyed at how they kept asking him the same
questions again and again. He is also very tired and grief stricken.
A terrible day
Pierre
came to my house this morning with Simon who had gone to see Kim and
found her dead body instead. She had hanged herself. I went to see
and it was horrible. She must have been there for several days and
her body was very swollen, distorted and smelly.
It
has been a day of dealing with everything that such an event entails.
Talking to Auroville security, the police and filling out
innumerable forms and finding the forms of everyone staying in Buddha
Garden. She has a husband, who is coming tomorrow, and a 15 year old
daughter in Australia who will have to be told at some point. Maybe
I will do it with her husband tomorrow.......
It
seems that she probably died the night of the 25th
and I wonder if some of the intense feelings of depression and
sadness that I experienced on that day came from her. It has been a
grey and rainy day, as if the whole place is crying for Kim.
High highs and low lows
A
day of highs and lows. Was very upset indeed to find that several
volunteers had made a big fire in the middle of the stone circle to
cook some food. I have told them so many times that if they want to
light a fire, then they should use the designated fire place. Not
only did they not use the fire place, but they used some of the
special stones in the fire so they are all black. And of course none
of them cleared up afterwards so there is now a horrible pile of ash
and other rubbish in the middle of the stone circle.
This
afternoon a friend rang and said that she had a present for me. We
met at Pitanga and she gave me this packet with instructions to 'keep
it safe'. It was only much later when I got back that I found she
had given me Rs25,000 for Buddha Garden.
I was overwhelmed and speechless.
I was overwhelmed and speechless.
Monday, 29 December 2014
Thursday, 25 December 2014
Christmas day
We
worked today, even Pierre who said he was not going to work but ended
up on fire because the Visitors Centre had asked for 4kg of lettuce
today. The morning was fine with a lot of work getting done and then
a special breakfast and 'secret Santa' organised by one of the
volunteers.
Afterwards
it was really nice just to come and quietly work on my computer, but
I felt incredibly sad. I suppose because I was missing my family,
especially the grandchildren. At the same time my stomach began to
feel very upset and sore.
I
have tried just to feel it, but at times it has felt overwhelming almost too much
to bear. Spending time reaching out to people I wanted to contact
seemed to ease it a bit, even when they have not replied. I still do
not feel very happy and as if what I am doing here is not worth very
much yet depends too much on me. Oh dear. I will be grateful for the
sparks of joy which I know are around and within me if I look and
really see what is going on.
The picture is my Christmas corner which I did despite the feelings of sadness.
Wednesday, 24 December 2014
Clearing out
Eco-service
came, at last, and took away all our rubbish. Huge amounts of glass
(mostly alcohol bottles) and a very large amount of cigarette butts
given that we are supposed to be a smoke free place! I feel really
pleased that it is now clean and tidy and I am going to make a big
effort to ensure that it stays like that. Rajan has suggested that
we tidy it up once a week and I think that is a very good idea.
Pierre
doesn't want to work tomorrow and in response I told him about how I
see work in Buddha Garden. That it is the focus of what we do here
and something that we do together to create something for our basic
needs. That I want to celebrate it tomorrow with working together
and then a special breakfast. Lets see if he feels he can come when it is like that.
The
sun came out today and as a result the idea for the new embroidery
has developed. I don't want to draw it just yet, but I am going to
call it 'the return of the sun to put light in dark corners'. I feel
there has been a clearing out and with that new energy is coming in.
Tuesday, 23 December 2014
Monday, 22 December 2014
New idea
I
had an idea for a new embroidery which I want to call 'light in dark
corners' and will go at the back of a little table that I have. This
is the first expression of it which doesn't look quite right but is
nevertheless a step towards it – even if I discard it completely.
It gives me something to work on.
Today
Pierre and I decided that we will not have any more parties and I
told everyone this morning. Surprisingly I felt a lot of relief coming from everyone.
Maybe others were also thinking that things were going out of control
but didn't know what to do about it. Either that or they just didn't
want to take responsibility themselves and preferred me to be clear
for them to follow. I was quite surprised.
Last
night was the winter solstice and the longest night, which is for me
the end of the year. As always, however, the end of year is not a
point but a gradual turning from the old to the new. So I will carry
on until I feel that process has happened.
Sunday, 21 December 2014
Cleared desk
This
is a picture of my desk as it looks after I cleared it this morning.
I realised that today is the winter solstice which for me is when the
seasons turn and thus the end of the year. I feel that all this
rearranging and clearing is part of readjusting to the new that is to
come.
At
the same time I feel very sad at how the volunteers here at the
moment do not seem to be aware of or respect the energy that we are
trying to create. There seem to be parties galore with drinking and
smoking and I am tired of seeing people sitting and smoking just
outside the gate. Its a horrible thing to have to see and pass just
as you go into Buddha Garden. I keep explaining to everyone and hope
that they will understand and act accordingly.
I
do not want to have to be Big Mummy with the Heavy Hand, but maybe to
preserve what is here that is what I will have to do. Which is a very depressing thought for the end of the year.
Wednesday, 17 December 2014
Tuesday, 16 December 2014
Mandala
We
had unexpected rain this morning – quite heavy after we had
finished work. Its been a rather indifferent monsoon so this extra
rain is welcome. Despite the wet and mud I somehow managed to get to
the Post Office and send off the last of my Christmas cards, presents
and letters.
I
came back from yoga and wondered what sort of picture to do but
couldn't think of anything. So I played around and came up with this
mandala. No idea what meaning, if any, is in it. Except maybe that
despite the energy of the curves and squiggles it seems quite
balanced.
Which
maybe means that somehow there is a balance around me even if it
doesn't feel like it.
Monday, 15 December 2014
Study in lettuce
Today
is the last official day of the monsoon and it seems that the lettuce
is suddenly starting to produce, although I don't know how much of it
is making the 100grms/plant that Pierre needs. We have loads of
seedlings in the nursery and I do hope that we are able to get rid of
them all.
Very
busy and an unending list of things to do, which includes finishing
all my Christmas stuff.
Sunday, 14 December 2014
Keeping the balance
I
have been thinking about rearranging my room for some time and this
morning this I found myself doing it. I was a bit half hearted at
first as looking at it altogether it seems quite a daunting task and
I am not even certain that I will like it when it is done.
I
started in the kitchen area, which is what the picture shows,
although what it doesn't show is all the rearranging done behind the
curtains. Together with quite a lot of throwing out of stuff. Its
good to do it one section at a time, however, as that only takes a
few hours which this time of year are always interspersed with people
wanting to talk to me. Come to think of it I am not quite sure why I
have to do this job at this busy time of the year, but it won't be
the first time this has happened to me.
When
I went to the communal kitchen one of the volunteers asked me to draw
one of her tarot cards which was 'keeping the balance' which I think
pretty much says what I am doing at the moment. I feel like the
anchor here and to do that I have to be well anchored in my home –
so hence the clearing out and reorganising to make it more like it
needs to be if I am going to do that work.
Saturday, 13 December 2014
Christmas not finished
I
got up this morning determined to get the last Christmas things off
to the Post Office. I started early writing a lot of letters and
sent them to Rajan for printing. Then I packed up a lot of the
presents, including the last large one to my sister and her children.
Lastly I went to the Visitors Centre to get the remaining cards and
little presents and came back feeling rather pleased. It was only
just gone 10.00am and all I had to do was put the cards and letters
together and then I could go to the Post Office and send everything
off.
Christmas
would be finished!
Except
of course it wasn't as Rajan found a rats nest in the printer which
has had to go and be mended.
Ah
well; just goes to show I suppose that things take the time they do
to get finished. It was nice to find a present to me at the Post
Office from one of my daughters. The picture shows all still to go,
but its either just cards and letters or small things so hopefully
they will make it before the 25th.
Friday, 12 December 2014
Like a hedgehog
When
I went out to work this morning I was met by Pierre who told me that
he has taken on another dog. It is for a French woman who is going
back to France tomorrow and wants Pierre to look after it until she
can get it over to France in several months time. I am rather cross
as that means we now have six dogs on the place which I think is too
much. And although Pierre does do a lot of the looking after, he is
often out and then of course we have to take up the slack. Lets see
if this woman actually takes the dog....... maybe things will feel
different when she gets back to France.
I
get to the kitchen to find that only four people are there so I get
them started on something and gradually people drift in and I give
them different jobs. Then I have to rush off because my stomach is
grinding and when I come back I find that Pierre has taken all the
best volunteers again! It does exasperate me that he does that
without talking with me! Somehow I find myself doing all the picking
but having to organise people at the same time.
The
picture I think expresses very well how I felt after all that. I
felt that my hair was standing on end with all the tension and all I
wanted to do was roll into a small ball. If I had prickles like a
hedgehog so much the better because then it would mean that no one
could get at me.
Thursday, 11 December 2014
Fairy rings
When
I walked through the cashew orchard this morning it was as if the
trees had all been wreathed in fairy rings. Each one had a mulch of
grass around it and it had the effect of making it all seem very
magical in the bright sunshine.
Unfortunately
the picture doesn't show very well just how magical it looked as I
couldn't seem to get far enough away to get several of the trees and
their rings in the picture. To do that maybe I need my own drone
with a camera to take a picture from above.
Wednesday, 10 December 2014
Sparkling droplets
After
a shower last night it was damp and misty this morning and it rained
very gently during the work time. I was really pleased with this
picture as I just got the moment when there were lots of droplets on
the banana leaf and the sun was shining through them and making them
sparkle.
It
was just lucky as I was so busy I didn't have time to sit and wait
for the right moment, but somehow I got it anyway.
Tuesday, 9 December 2014
Rather tense
At
the end of the day I am feeling rather tense as I seem to have been
sorting out 'stuff' all day. This has ranged from dealing with inter
personal conflicts, giving information to volunteers, going to a Farm
group meeting that was eventually abandoned and then having to redo
some posters that were the wrong size. Its been a bit like swimming
through mud.
Amongst
all that I somehow managed to finish off the hangings by putting the
poles in top and bottom and tying a plaited string to the top pole.
I then took pictures of them all to post on the website, but most of
them did not come out very well.
I
decided to choose my favourite picture for today and this is the
hanging which I have called 'cyclone'. I rather like how the light
comes in at the top and the all the coils reflect a bit how I am
feeling inside at the moment.
Monday, 8 December 2014
I love this scarf
I
have been so busy today. I have stopped trying to do anything during
work time but spend the time facilitating everyone else to do the
work. This means I spend the whole time whirling around Buddha
Garden making sure that everything and everyone is OK.
We
have had a lot of people turn up so I have been constantly talking to
people which includes the two people who turned up for the
Introductory Course. As usual I seem to have a huge amount of stuff
to do and process. I haven't even thought about pictures all day.
So
I have used a picture of a scarf that I was working on yesterday as
it is a prize in the draw we are going to have as part of our fund
raising. Its made of cashmere and is wonderfully soft and warm. I
like it so much that I have bought three of them for three of my
nephews and nieces for Christmas. It really is lovely and I think
the picture somehow captures something of the loveliness of it.
Sunday, 7 December 2014
A day of pictures
Yesterday
I had a somewhat heated discussion with Pierre about the problems we had
with the last lot of volunteers who were turning Buddha Garden into a
party place with drugs and alcohol. Pierre wanted to put up posters
about the sort of behaviour expected. But I didn't want a lot of
stuff around the place saying 'no' and in any case I am tired of
being Big Mummy trying to keep everyone in order.
This
morning, however, I woke up with what I should say just there in my
brain. Something that talked about what we are trying to create,
rather than just saying 'no'. So the first job was to make two
posters for the Jalabhoomi area and the stone circle. Then I spent
quite a bit of time posting pictures and descriptions on the website
of things that are going to be prizes in our fund raising draw. So I
felt I have done a lot with pictures today.
Saturday, 6 December 2014
Progression
This
is how the left side of my body seems to have progressed since I fell
down and injured my foot. These images derived from my yoga
practice. At first it seemed very red and clunky, then the colour
faded and today it feels as if everything has been smoothed out.
Despite
that my foot still aches and I am also having trouble with my eyes.
My right eye is very swollen, I think because I got bitten by
something on the side of my right eyelid last night. It was very
itchy but felt much better this morning when I woke up with the
swelling. My left eye feels as if I have something like
conjunctivitis and it is weeping quite a lot.
My
body feels as if it has a lot of hurts in it. When I am in the midst
of trying to sort out a lot of things in Buddha Garden.
Friday, 5 December 2014
Clear space
This
is a picture of part of the cashew field that we cleared up this
morning. It seems to symbolise a lot of the clearness that is going
on at the moment. This includes a large number of volunteers
leaving, some of whom have been here for some time, making way for a
large number of people coming next week.
Hopefully
it is also making space for the money to flow in that we need to
build new accommodation for volunteers and a new kitchen. Maybe
there will be new things for me too as well as a space in which to breathe in the middle of all the busyness that seems to be my lot at the moment.
Thursday, 4 December 2014
A toy for the boys
Today
a group of volunteers (all men) seemed to have a very enjoyable time
with the chaff cutter. This is an old and very basic piece of
equipment used by many farmers to cut up food like maize stalks for
the cows. We tend to use it for cutting up stuff for the compost
although in this case we were cutting up material that we had cut
yesterday from around the kitchen.
I
don't like the machine very much because I am always worried about
getting my fingers stuck in it when I feed through the material to be
cut up. Volunteers often find it quite hard because it gives a very
good work out as its hard work pushing that wheel around fast enough. As a result they don't usually want to do it for
very long. This group was different in that they really seemed to
enjoy themselves getting a lot of material cut up.
I
am writing this just before going to yoga. I will try not to push
myself hard like I did last time.
Wednesday, 3 December 2014
My left foot
In
this picture my left foot looks OK, but I have had quite a time with
it today. This morning I was walking through the gate into the
cashew orchard when I was knocked over from behind by the dogs
rushing through. I think there probably wasn't enough space to get
out of my way in time. I fell down quite heavily on my left buttock
(not my tail bone thank goodness) and jarred my foot and ankle. My
foot felt very painful as it was quite cold at the time.
It
was a bit of a shock to the body and my foot has continued to give me
little tweaks of pain all day. I just hope that it won't stiffen up
over night. Despite this I somehow managed to wrap up all my
Christmas parcels today and may even get them to the post office
tomorrow.
I
have had a lot of problems with my left foot over the years. I
remember on the day before the cyclone I fell over and hurt it but
somehow managed to get over it to do all the things I needed to do
after the cyclone had struck. I often think it happens when I need
to slow down. At the moment I don't feel that I am going too fast
but I do have a huge amount of things to deal with and maybe I do
need to slow down in terms of dealing with each thing as it comes
rather than try to juggle everything simultaneously.
Tuesday, 2 December 2014
Feeling fragile
Today
I have been feeling rather fragile after a bad night. I went to yoga
where I think I rather over did things – our teacher is away on a
course and so we are having an 'open space' and at times I pushed
myself too hard. I woke up in the middle of the night and was aware
of having jerked my neck turning over and for a while I was rather
dizzy. It subsided after I kept my head still but it took a long
time to go back to sleep.
Despite
that I did a lot today, especially on the fund raising, and feel
quite tired as I write this. I think this picture of one of our
roccolla seedlings which we are offering to the community expresses
very well how I have felt today.
Monday, 1 December 2014
Poster up
Today
is the first day of our fund raiser and so we put the big poster up
in Buddha Garden to tell everyone about it. I am so short that even
when I got on a chair I couldn't reach to tie up the poster and had
to get someone taller to do it!
Over
the weekend I set up the website and wrote letters to various unit
holders asking them for prizes for our draw. All contributors will
be eligible and I want the prizes to give 'A touch of Auroville'. I
was surprised at how I felt as I wrote these letters – that I
didn't have the right to even ask for their help...... Yet four have
replied very positively.
Sunday, 30 November 2014
Excited to see the sun
After
three and a half days of really wet and grey weather the sun has come
out. I think the picture expresses pretty well how excited I was to
see the sun again.
It
always amazes me how quickly I miss the sun when I can't see it
because of the weather. And how excited I am when the weather
changes and I can see it again. Except of course in the hot season
when it sometimes feels as if the sun is sitting on my head.
I
suppose it shows how unsatisfied I am and that I need to learn to be
happy with what is.
Saturday, 29 November 2014
More monsoon
It
has been raining steadily all day. Obviously the person who thought
that the monsoon was finished got it wrong.
I
found this log down by the stone circle yesterday when we were
clearing up wood.
It
was so beautiful I took some close ups of parts of it. This is
detail 1
Detail
2
Detail
3
Yuk!
Such a pity.
Tree down website up
We
finally got the tree down today.
I
have been so busy, mainly because I felt I had to complete all the
fund raising stuff on the website. Instead of waiting until December
1st to put the slide show about our fund raising on the
website, Theo did it immediately. That meant I had to quickly put in
all the relevant details, especially the link about where to donate.
I was going to do it over the weekend but ended up working very
intensively to get it done before I went to yoga.
I
felt the universe was pushing me to get it done! Maybe there is
someone who wants to make a donation.
Thursday, 27 November 2014
There must be light somewhere
It
was oppressively grey all day today but no rain. I read somewhere
that the monsoon is finished as the low pressure area that brings the
rain has moved south. We shall see.
Today
was Shantam's death day and Emma reminded me that it is now 19 years
since he died which is longer than the 12 years we were together. I
felt the pain of those 19 years in my heart today.
Wednesday, 26 November 2014
A big hole
Here
we are all standing around contemplating the big hole where the
cashew tree used to be. We took the cashew tree out because it
looked as if it was dying. When we removed it we saw that it was
infected with cashew borer which was the reason for all the dead
branches. Cutting it down was fairly easy but getting out the root
was quite difficult.
Its
made a lot more light in that corner of the orchard. We have put the
big root in the corner of the field as a home for carpenter bees who
will hopefully come and fertilise the passion fruit trees for us.
Tuesday, 25 November 2014
Good work
I
love this picture as it is what I feel my work is all about –
working together and in the process learning about ourselves and our
place in the world.
Have
had a lot of ideas about the fund raising – again the ideas flowing
before and during my yoga class. Phew! I feel quite weak in some
ways when I think of the work involved, but I think it will really
enhance the experience of those who donate.
Everyone
who donates will have the opportunity to win something that is made in or comes from Auroville. Something to give them 'a sense
of Auroville'.
Monday, 24 November 2014
Tired
I've
felt quite tired today and was glad that no one turned up for the
Introductory course this morning. I had a bad lunch time meeting
which I left early after getting into an argument with someone. I
really should not waste my energy like this as it doesn't change anything either without or within.
This
is one of the pictures that I posted on the new Buddha Garden
Facebook page. We did an incredible morning's work today cutting all the
glyricidea in Le Jardin fruit patch and mulching the fruit trees with
the leaves. We did the whole area in one work session that I don't
think we have ever done before.
I
am so grateful for this work which gives me such deep joy.
Sunday, 23 November 2014
Not the picture it should be
I
feel that the picture I should have today is of me hunched over my
computer as I feel as if I have been doing that all day. This
morning I did a slide show for the web page which included pictures
of volunteers (as above) together with information about the fund
raising. I found it an incredibly fiddly job and by the time I had
finished I did not have energy to create a picture of me hunched over
the computer!
I
spent a lot of time talking to Swaha and old friend who left
Auroville five years ago and has just come back to stay for a few
months. I really enjoyed talking with her although I feel it didn't
leave me with much time to get on with the other things that need
doing which is mainly my embroidery.
Saturday, 22 November 2014
Another poster
Today
I started early and made two new posters for the notice board. A job
I often do this time of year in readiness for the guest season. This
picture is the one I like the best because it is about Jalabhoomi
where we made the ponds which are now full of water and very
beautiful. The other was about our two orchards and the food forest.
At
times the computer was sending me mad, being very slow and at one
time I thought I was going to lose a whole lot of work that I had
completed. Fortunately that didn't happen when I realised that I was
working with too many large files at one time.
I
am please that now I have finished and they have gone off for
printing which hopefully won't take too long.
Friday, 21 November 2014
A visual day
I
have been working very visually today, what with taking video clips
of volunteers working this morning, updating a map and designing a
post card. I did the above for Rajan who is going to get another
quote which will hopefully be a lot less than the one from an
Auroville unit. Otherwise they won't be worth doing because they
won't make enough profit.
I
feel rather tense after doing all that but with yoga tonight I will
hopefully unravel some of the kinks in my shoulder and neck muscles.
Thursday, 20 November 2014
Poster for fund raising
I
spent most of the afternoon doing this poster which will be put up in
Buddha Garden as well as writing a fund raising article for use on
the web. Now it looks like I have a whole lot more jobs to do
connected with this fund raising. This includes doing more posters,
sorting out the merchandising and fund raising activities as well as
doing all the web stuff.
I
had quite a stiff neck and headache while I was doing the poster but
it is much better now. Just understanding what I have to do and
being able to write a do list made me much less tense. Even if the
list is somewhat daunting.
Wednesday, 19 November 2014
Tuesday, 18 November 2014
My nose!
This
is a picture of what my nose feels like at the moment – although it
comes and goes. It feels like I have got sunburn on my nose which
feels like it is glowing. I don't know what it could be except some
sort of allergy as I am sneezing a lot at the same time, especially
after grass cutting.
Maybe
I am just getting ready for Christmas so I can be like Rudolf the red
nosed reindeer.
Monday, 17 November 2014
For our volunteers
Today
we are full to overflowing with volunteers – and it is only the
middle of November. It doesn't generally get like this until next
month. As a consequence we have moved all the wood from upstairs
into the downstairs office to create enough room for the new people.
Already the upstairs room is full and there is one more person coming
tomorrow. Fortunately someone is also leaving tomorrow.
One
of the things I have had to do is write something about the
registration process for volunteers and we decided to include a map.
This is the sketch map that I did showing them where they have to go
to carry out the different parts of the registration process.
Sunday, 16 November 2014
One of many
This
is one of many pictures that I looked at today, sorting out which
ones would be good to use on the publicity material for the fund
raising. It has taken a long time!
Nitish,
who took this picture, told me that when he took this water had got
onto the lens and hence the green haze. I rather like it as I think
it gives a good impression of working in the rain as at such a time I
often feel as if I am the middle of a green haze.
Saturday, 15 November 2014
Fierce energy
Today
I sat down and started organising our fund raising campaign. Later
today Vivek came and told me that he has managed to secure a new
solar system for us for the new kitchen. I feel like I am in a very
powerful energy stream and that although things are going our way it
is hard to keep my balance. In fact I feel that it could easily
force me out of shape if I am not careful!
I
need to be flexible but keep my feel firmly on the ground.
Thursday, 13 November 2014
Bowed with rain
After
raining all night it stopped just as we started work but then
restarted just as we finished. It then continued to rain for the
rest of the day. Like this tree I feel bowed by rain.
I
don't know why, but I find it difficult to relax when it rains like
this and one of the volunteers told me that he feels the same. Vivek
has returned and there is a lot to process and decide about which of
course adds to the tension but not in a necessarily bad way.
Although I feel I have a huge amount to do in the next two weeks.
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