At yesterday's session 20191229

After finishing the video I spent a long time writing and drawing about my large intestine and lungs that we looked at during yesterday’s session.   It meant writing about some of my family things that I haven’t thought about for a long time. 

As a result my body feels quite disturbed.

Another powerful session 20191228

Another very powerful Goshin Tai So session.  This is the picture that came about my lungs.  I wonder about the message though.  Where am I going to find more fun?  I suppose I can start with funny books and videos, but it shows how long it is since I have had any fun that I’ve forgotten how to do/get it!

Flowing a bit more 20191227

Another picture of the eclipse because in so many ways it was very powerful.  The shadows remind me of dragon’s claws.

We had a group come to help today and that made a lot of difference to the amount of work we were able to get finished.  At the same time some of the pillars of the new house and the doors have been painted green.

According to Joseph the building work will be finished next Tuesday December 31^st.  Lets see.

Eclipse 20191226

Couldn’t understand why the light didn’t seem bright and under the trees felt so cold as I cycled back from Buddha Garden after work.  When I got back found out it was because of the solar eclipse – 92% apparently.  I noticed the unusual shadows as I cycled but didn’t know why they were like that.

I feel that this is a time of stagnation.  The print books will be a week late coming because everyone is busy binding diaries.  We still don’t know when the building work will finish.  I walk around Buddha Garden and see a lot of jobs half finished and no one around to finish them.  I need to get the audio guide stuff finished so that people can start using it.  But again no one to help and by the end of work I am too tired.

I just cannot push, but will things get done without it?  My answer used to be ‘no’.

Busy 20191225

Very grey and wet today which is very uncharacteristic weather for this time of year.  We made a start on the Healing Garden despite the mud and with the help of a volunteer I put up a lot of posters on the Information Board.

When I came back I seemed to get a huge amount done.  Cleaning my room, getting two more posters done as well as writing a lot of emails to family and friends for Christmas which included the above picture as a sort of card.  And all this without feeling too stressed.

By the end of the day five people had purchased my book from Amazon!

Christmas event 20191224

Went to the Udavi school Christmas event which had to be held in the ‘hall’ because of rain.  Despite everyone crushed in like sardines quite a lot of people had to stand outside although by then it had stopped raining.

Glad to feel more relaxed.

Still flowing 20191223

Spent a lot of today completing things started yesterday.  I finally got the promotional video done and the book sorted out.  Not exactly sorted out as I would like but enough to move forward with it.

Have actually started to feel hungry from time to time and that my body is waking up.  Feel like I would like to eat some very nutritious food but not sure exactly what that is for me at this time.

The picture is of our first harvest of radish which I picked this morning.

Flowing 20191222

Had a really lovely day doing two videos. I am particularly happy with the book promotion video with the voice over.

I thought that trying to do a printed book with Amazon would be too complicated.  But it seems that if I use the downloaded software I can use it for that as well.  I can’t wait to get started but now I am feeling better must make sure I don’t overdo it.

The picture is the very strong message that I got from the session yesterday.

Solstice 20191221

Got up early and after downloading the Kindle Create software found doing the e-book much easier than anticipated.  Was in a right state by the time I got to the session so Isha gave me a sound session which was very powerful.  I heard the deep sounds of the earth and experienced my being as vibration.

I felt that something moved within me and that I no longer need to have this lung problem.  Although as Isha said, it will take some time to heal completely.

I went to yoga and slept much better than I have for a long time.

Reminder 20191220

Had another group come today – this time I forgot to put it in my diary.  Somehow I managed to do it and they were a really nice and lively group.  Tiring though.  Then the JCB came and the earthworks at the back started.  I was very pleased although got irritated with Rajan who asked me to look after things while he did the delivery.  Building is coming along very nicely but still lots of little jobs to do.

Really pleased that at last all the files have been delivered from Prisma so I can start uploading the book to Amazon.  This is more complicated than I thought so will just have to go step by step.  Hopefully after a night’s sleep tomorrow morning it won’t look so daunting.

The picture is a reminder about why I do all this.  To grow food.

Too pushed 20191219

I took this picture of Sangeeta while she was looking around the new house.  They have more or less finished the kitchen and will finish the floor today. At last it looks as if it might be finished one day.  Sangeetha looked really pleased with it.

Was just about to leave when a group from the American University of Paris turned up.  They were booked but I had forgotten.  Somehow I managed to do it after everything else that had happened in Buddha Garden this morning.

Felt extremely tired and now have a lot of body pain – as if my muscles are contracting.  When I cough I get a pain in my chest.

I really must get some rest! But my body hurts so much that even lying down is very uncomfortable.

Moving 20191218

I feel so tired as I write this.  But also pleased as a lot of things have happened.  I spoke to Jana who is doing the book layout and got a lot of things sorted out.  So I hope very much to have all the necessary files so I can sort out uploading to the book to Amazon this weekend.

Kardash and I did the recording for the book promotion video this morning.  This afternoon I got a lot of clips and pictures together for the video.  I feel it is coming.  Then Bahkia turned up with someone called Mala and together they want to do the cooking and cleaning.  I am SO relieved but can see there is a lot of organization needs doing with regard to the cleaning.  First thing is to get all the towels washed!

The house is coming on well with the kitchen almost finished and the plumbing started. 

Fallen 20191217

This picture shows exactly how I felt after work in Buddha Garden.  I felt as if I had just fallen down.  The tree fell because it was top heavy and maybe Isha would say that is my problem as I rely too much on my monkey brain!

When I started cooking there was the realization of how dirty and disorganised everything was.  No towels because there has been nobody to do or think about washing them.  I also felt a distinct lack of energy to drive myself to think all the time about what needs to be done and what I must do to make sure it is done!

Despite this I managed to get one of the volunteers to clean the kitchen.  And I spoke to the person who is going to do all the earth works in Vaiyu Bhoomi.  He’s the sort of person who will now just get on with it hopefully.

I sent off the last amendments for the book and feel I have finished it.  Feelings of great joy!

Difficult times 201916

Felt much better today and cycled to work.  Then very difficult because Bahkia has got the flu and didn’t come.  Despite all my protestations a collective way of doing breakfast has not been developed. Sometimes I feel I am talking to myself! Rajan said he had ordered food from the Visitors Centre but Giri either didn’t know/care and spent ages getting food from some village place, which I don’t think was very good.  In the meantime there were hungry people drifting around…..

Tomorrow Jane and I are going to do the breakfast. And the day after that if necessary.

Spent the rest of the day rewriting the back cover blurb for my book.  Although I think I may have written the voice over for the promotional video.  I’m going to leave it for now as I am tired.

I love the different colours of the different sorts of lettuce in this picture.

No winning 20191215

Slept better than usual but because I coughed less at night needed more coughing this morning to free up my chest!  Seems like I can’t win.

Have decided that as well as my Goshin Tai So I will sort out a daily restorative yoga practice to try and help my chest.

The picture is of the building work which, as usual, is coming along VERY slowly.  Then it occurred to me that this building reflects me.  Its gradually being built but is taking the time it takes.  So no more getting upset about it!  I’ve realized I can’t ‘win’, only experience.

Not working hard 20191214

Started off with Goshin Tai So session where I had an explosion of light.  Once again had problems creating the picture – maybe I have to leave things until I have digested them a bit more before I start creating pictures. 

Feel like the cough is leaving me but its going to take some time – 18 days according to Rajan. It started on the 6^th which means I should be over it by the 23^rd.

Meanwhile, as the picture shows, things go on in Buddha Garden – pretty well I think.

Better and Worse 20191213

Got up feeling worse and yet as the day has progressed have found that my chest is clearing. 

Had a really good long chat with friend Jane and felt much better.  She brought tears to my eyes as she described what some of the volunteers are experiencing in Buddha Garden.  In these troubled times it seems to me more important than ever to show that there is an alternative way of being and doing.

I think I have been very hard on myself and must treat myself with more compassion.  Isha also phoned and we had a good chat.  She said that the ‘virus and found a home’ and that I have to treat myself gently until it goes.

Bad day 20191212

Didn’t go to Buddha Garden and spent most of the day in bed.  Didn’t seem to help very much.

Seem to have lost all hope and energy.

The only good thing about today is the picture.  Which I got whilst just snapping around in Buddha Garden a few days ago.  Sometimes I get some really lovely pictures from random snappling.

Tired 20191211

Probably did too much today  - I expect because I got a taxi and thought (maybe unconsciously) that I could do twice the work in half the time!  I took seedlings to Udavi and Transition and then did some jobs at the Town Hall. Taxi driver very unhelpful  when it came to carrying stuff around although I did get some help from one of the female workers when she saw me struggling.  Afterwards had a long lie down and have managed to do all the ‘must do’ jobs.

Have decided I am not going to Buddha Garden tomorrow.  I realize, talking to friend Jane, that if I do give up Buddha Garden a very important source of my creativity will be gone.

Tired with bossy daughters 20191210

Got a taxi to Buddha Garden and took some pictures.  Part of the roof has been tiled and I got video clips of them moving the tiles around prior to putting them on the roof.  And then they just disappeared – for breakfast according to Rajan!!  Was not willing to sit around and wait for them, particularly as Rajan said that they took a half day off yesterday.  I don’t know why I am so surprised at all this prevarication.

Feel very tired today but I think I’m a little better.  Both daughters very bossily told me I have to go and see the doctor to ‘get better quicker’.  Quite cross about it.

This picture of our first lotus of the new season gives me hope.

A program for health 20191209

Decided today that for the next however long it is going to take I am going to take things easy and concentrate on getting better.  As I hate just lying around I will only do things that I enjoy doing – everything else will go hang!

Managed to get the notes done and a picture.  Very pleased with the picture.  Feel that something relaxed inside me.

Feel terrible 20191208

Have not been able to do anything today.  Got up early to upload the videos both of which got stuck.  Maybe if I use my line tomorrow they will work.  Tried very hard to create pictures of what I saw in the session yesterday.  But three times it went wrong so I have given up in disgust.

Horrible day.  Have just been lying around and couldn’t get my energy up to go out anywhere  so feel really sluggish.  The only bright spark is that eventually the videos did upload.

Had enough of being sick 20191207

This morning I got up determined to throw off the sick role.  Went to Goshin Tai So and Isha said that all this phlegm is because of all the ‘stuff’ around my heart area.  It was extraordinary that every time she mentioned the heart (or Chinese equivalent) during the session I spontaneously coughed!!

Was more confused that usual about what she was talking about but got some very strong images which I will picture.  It can all be integrated this time next week when hopefully I will be feeling a bit better and she is going to do it again.

Used the picture from this day last year as couldn't find one for this year.

View from my bed 20191206

Have been lying in bed all day feeling horrible.  Vivek has been very nice giving me suggestions for alleviating symptoms and strict instructions not to work.  If I go anywhere it has to be for something fun!

Managed to get the last edit of the book finished and off to the layout person.  Launching is getting really close now.

Meeting and bed 20191205

Went to Buddha Garden and found that Bahkia had done the breakfast yesterday that she was supposed to do today.  The idea had been that she would do a big breakfast that would be part of the food for the lunch.  We couldn’t have the same breakfast two days running so she had to cook a separate breakfast and lunch which slowed things up.  I made the salad and just helped generally.

I came back and was out like a light after lunch and didn’t wake up until late evening.  I think my illness has come back.

As the picture shows, at least the roof frame is finished.

What should I do? 20191204

I hoped it was going to be a restful day but I have been busier than ever!  Went to the school first thing and came away feeling tired after expending energy on teaching.  Then I had to get the provisions for tomorrow’s lunch meeting although I didn’t, thank goodness, have to cycle it all the way to Buddha Garden.  This afternoon I finished the posters for the audio guide.  A good job completed but it seems to have taken a lot out of me.

I don’t think I am that well and I must try to take things more easily.  Goodness knows how given that I have this meeting tomorrow which means notes and letters and lots of admin.  

I cannot decide whether I would feel better or worse if I went to the Pilates class.  Eventually decided I would probably feel worse so didn’t go.

Eventually I got the above message from my mistress of the heart, but it has taken ages.

Droplets 20191203

Feel so very, very tired.  So tired I couldn’t make yoga – which is most unusual for me, even although I think my eating may be improving.

Had a Farm Group meeting that seemed to take a lot out of me and got back very late for lunch.  I don’t have much appetite because of the cold/flu even although I think my eating may be improving.  Would really like to have some time off but don’t see how I can with so much to do.

The book needs a final, final edit and I have got to do the information sheet and map for the audio guide.  I may try and get up early to do that tomorrow.  I’ve got a school session and then I have to do shopping for the meeting on Thursday.  Somehow I have to finish the book and then get all the marketing stuff for that sorted out.

Doesn’t look as if I am going to get much of a rest!

Brighter 20191202

Felt much better this morning with my chest relaxed again although with much more coughing because the mucous has all loosened up.  Things much better in Buddha Garden with a huge army of painters at work on the roof so they can bring the tiles in soon.  Things are definitely looking brighter like the sun and new colour on the roof frame.

I finished the book and sent it off to Jana.  I am getting quite excited about it.  Must now think about the promotional video.  Listened to the audio guide and found two mistakes.  One can be put right really easily but I’m not so sure about the other one where I said ‘9.00pm’ when I meant ‘9.00am’!  Apart from that I am really pleased with it as the music really enhances it.

Wet and stupid! 20191201

Have not felt very well today as the top of my chest feels tight and I am coughing quite a lot.

I spent a lot of this morning doing the pictures from the Goshin Tai So session yesterday.  The above is one of them ‘the mistress of my heart’ who took a long time to reveal herself. I also did the last edit on the book.  It took some effort to get started but once I did I managed to finish.  Now ‘all’ I have to do is the index which I hope I can do tomorrow afternoon.  I am just too tired to carry on right now.

Even although it has been an extremely wet day I went out without my mac.  How could I have been so stupid? Got very wet cycling back from the Visitors Centre in the rain when I went to collect my lunch.  Hope I have avoided the cold getting worse by having hot shower when I returned.  Cannot understand my stupidity!!!

Powerful session 20191130

Another very powerful Goshin Tai So session when the ‘master of the heart’ was explored.

As the pictures shows, my master (mistress) of the heart was very reluctant to show herself.  She did eventually and it explained a lot of what has been going on with me.  I’ve not paid enough attention to my heart and where it wants to lead.

Maybe it wants to lead me where my head tells me I do not want to go!

Very difficult 20191129

Got to Buddha Garden this morning to find that Rajan had locked himself away in his room.  People were drifting around not really knowing what to do and the energy felt very down.  I had to spend quite a lot of time showing people in the nursery what to do as they clearly had no idea whatsoever and were planting very small seedlings in soil that was too dry and not watered properly.  Giri does his best but he easily gets impatient with volunteers and doesn’t want to keep explaining the same things over and over again.

It turned out that Sangeeta has got a sore eye and came back really late last night after going to the hospital to get some medicine for it.  Once again no communication from Rajan who just let everything go.  I could easily have got to work earlier.

My cold is worse with a painful cough and sinuses.  I need a rest as I feel very tired.  Managed to get to the Udavi school session so at last I could measure up for the nursery.

I have hardly thought about my book.

All change again 20191128

Rajan is better and the family all want to move back I have come back to Vivek’s house.  Being in my room again in Buddha Garden has helped me see how I can make it nicer and more nurturing for me.  This being inspired by how Vivek has set up his house.

Apparently Sangeeta’s mother does not have a toilet or bathroom - they use the garden as a toilet.  So one reason they want to come back is so they can have a proper bathroom.

Very wet and it feels like the cold is finally coming out.  Hopefully that will help me feel better as for the last few mornings I have woken up feeling as if I have a dagger in my throat.

Shantam's death day 20191127

Wet and grey and very busy. 

I kept getting lots of insights about different things.  This included ideas about the podcasts I am going to do which I will eventually turn into a book and maybe even a video. 

First practical job was to plant the above tomatoes which Daniele brought from his home.  He’s mixed up all the varieties so I called them ‘happy go lucky tomatoes’. As they were bare rooted we had to plant them today.  I hope they survive the rain. Had a lot of things to do in different parts of Auroville but as I had to bring my stuff to Buddha Garden in a car yesterday I don’t have my bike with me.  So I had to use taxis and have managed to find a project to which the cost will be charged.

I would love to write a letter to Shantam about Rachael but no time today.  Not the kind of thoughtful day I had hoped for but I remember my crow from yesterday with much joy.

A crow with a message 20191126

I was walking past one of the plumeria trees and I heard a crow cawing away.  Then a stick from the tree hit me and it was as if the crow had thrown it to me.

Just reminding me I think of Peter.  I remember when we were at a camp site in Africa where there were a lot of crows.  We were both convinced they had messages from deceased members of the family for us.

I think the message from my devil is that I have to face whatever it is in my life and dance with it.  Not try and starve it out of me because that’s not where the problem is.

All change 20191125

I got to Buddha Garden this morning to find that Rajan and family had left.  And he didn’t tell anyone!  Giri was doing his best but there are a lot of people in Buddha Garden now and they need support to do the work.  Annoyingly Rajan had also turned off his phone so he was completely switched off from us and Buddha Garden.

He’s got sores on his mouth and still has a cold and obviously the crowded living conditions are not ideal.  He is going to take the week off and I am going to move back to Buddha Garden.  I hope it will all work out as the room is such a mess and it will not be comfortable to stay there.  Heavy rain is also expected this week.

I feel very strongly, however, that there must be someone responsible there at night.  We have a lot of people staying with us and I worry about what would happen in an emergency.  I’ve got to wait until Vivek comes back tonight and then I will go.

Lets see.

Dancing with my devil 20191124

Somehow I have managed to finish and upload the Buddha Garden video I started yesterday.  I have also spoken to Kardash about the audio guide as well as finishing this picture.  As well as thought about the video to launch the book.

I have a peculiar reluctance to do the last edit and index for the book.  But that is the next job…..

I created this picture instead of doing my book.  I really enjoyed doing it and I like the result.  It was what happened during the session yesterday.  So far no message.

Now I feel too tired to tackle the book!

Re-acquainting with my devil 20191123

Very upset to hear from the volunteer who went to Buddha Garden yesterday who told me that there was nothing ready for him.  I was so upset because I thought I had arranged everything with two other volunteers.  Had to go to Buddha Garden this morning to sort everything out as well as deliver some of the shopping – its too heavy on my bike to take it all at once. The volunteer came with a friend staying in Auroville and everything worked out although he is sick as well.  He caught a bug from the plane!

I don’t know how I am going to be able to carry on like this as obviously the building work is going to take much longer than expected.  Its getting busier and busier. And not living there is very challenging.  Tried to find a room at an Auroville hotel near to Buddha Garden but they are completely booked.

Despite all this went to my Goshin Tai session where this devil was very much in evidence.  He came to me last time when I was in Central France and through him I recovered from my first lot of eating problems.  He reminds me of Ganesha and he carries a trident like Siva.

Rain and mud 20191122

It rained so hard that the school session was cancelled.  This was a relief as I had spent the morning cycling around in the rain and didn’t want to get any wetter.  But it meant I couldn’t measure up for the nursery and get that job done.

Before I left spent some time with Bahkia talking about the menu for next week.  This will require some shopping.  I also organised something for a volunteer who is supposed to be coming today. So many jobs and living so far away from Buddha Garden makes it more difficult to get them done. 

Explodaing 20191121

Another very busy day.  Went to get the draft copy of my book and fell down on the path just outside the Prisma office door.  It was raining and the bricks were very slippery because they were covered with algae/moss.  It was a rather peculiar sensation of falling as I felt it in slow motion.  At the same time I felt as if things were exploding.  Despite scraping off the skin on my elbow everything else seems OK.  Apparently they had been asking the gardener to deal with those bricks for some time and my fall gave them an excuse to get it done immediately.

While in the office I realised I hadn’t got my phone with me and thought I might have left it in Buddha Garden.  As I was in a taxi I went back to Buddha Garden but couldn’t find it.  Gave me a chance to talk to Rajan who is looking better.  Very pleased when I got back to Surrender to find the phone on my table. 

I feel I have been jolted in some way and that this in a funny way is helping me with my eating problems.

Overwhelmed again 20191120

This morning I arrived in Buddha Garden to find that Rajan was still sick.  I felt and still feel overwhelmed.   This despite the fact I managed to get everything done which included teaching a session at Transition School.

On a trip to the Town Hall to collect the printing that I didn’t have time to collect yesterday I met two people who used to know Rachael.  They were delighted to hear she is getting married.  One of them saw my poster about water and the problems of water in Auroville.  We had a very rich discussion about it.

Growing food is my passion but I’m not sure how to move forward with it.  I feel I don’t want to be responsible for Buddha Garden but don’t know where else I could express myself fully.