Where my energy goes.....

I was really upset last night as I just couldn't create a picture.  I doodled around for ages but nothing came and I just felt tired.  This morning I realised how much of my creative energy has been focused on Buddha Garden in the last few weeks.

The picture shows the jobs we did today and it has been like that every day.  We have done a lot more than just keep the place ticking over as we have created new areas to the extent that now nearly all the land of Buddha Garden is growing something.

My wish for the new year is that I have more relaxed time for my creative work and that it doesn't have to be squeezed between all the other work I do.  I haven't written anything for ages and I frequently feel very tired indeed by the time I get to creating my daily picture.

Yet I am pleased that I have kept them both going in the last year and so I recommit myself to making the time each day to carry on with them.

Feeling empty

For the last few days I have been feeling very hungry and hollow.  I am really missing having a special someone in my life.  Which is perhaps exacerbated by the fact that I am communicating with lots of people, but they are mainly people like volunteers or co-workers where I am focusing on getting things done, although often I do enjoy being with them.

I do miss being intimate with someone.  Perhaps David's death has brought this on - this missing of an other.

I have noticed that I keep going on the internet to look at things like new tablets.  Things that I do not need by any stretch of the imagination, but things that I would like to have.  Am I trying to fill myself up with things and food and........? I worry that I am even although I know to do so won't help me feel any better.  Working hard doesn't help either although it does mean I get a lot of work completed!

I should be grateful for the things I have.  I found out today that my money has found its way to my new bank account and there are lots of good things happening in my life.  

So I will try to focus on that rather than try to fill up the hollow within.

Doodle

It has been a frantic day in many ways with an extra trip to Pondy to order some new glasses which will be ready in just over a week.  They have red plastic frames and the only bit of metal is the hinge which the man in the shop said I should oil once a week to stop it rusting.  So hopefully they will be stronger and last longer than the six months that the last ones did.

Despite that I feel strangely relaxed and unpressured this evening.  Maybe it was the yoga class that did it.

This evening was the first time for ages that I got to do some drawing and painting on my tablet.  I enjoyed it SO much just doodling away.  I loved the colours and just letting the pen flow.  In this picture the enjoyment was in the doing rather than in the end result.

Broken glasses as well....

On Christmas Eve I broke a temporary cap on my teeth; today I broke my glasses.  As the picture shows I have managed to cobble something together so I can go on wearing them.  Given they have got so rusty - and probably quite weak - it looks like I will have to have some new frames.  I am going to see if I can get some 'rugged' or 'sports' glasses tomorrow.  I am not sure whether I can get them here so I might have to get them online and prevail upon poor Emma once again to send them to me.

A lot of my things seem to be breaking up......

Christmas bear

I was really pleased to get this picture of Matilda with the bear she made from a kit that I gave her as a Christmas present.  She must have got going on it really fast to finish it so quickly although I expect Rachael helped her do it.

I'm really glad that she liked it.

Christmas in Buddha Garden

With all this and work too, no wonder I am feeling tired!

Its Christmas!

I organised Christmas such a long time ago and as there is very little here to make me feel Christmassy it has crept up on me quite unawares.  I think the volunteers are determined to celebrate Christmas - one of them is organising all the food and I was amused when another volunteer asked me where he could find shrimps - these being needed for the meal.  Shrimps at Christmas? I think the chicken is going to be cooked in a pit and  I gather there is going to be a pumpkin pie as well, this being made by someone from South America.  

We will be working tomorrow morning but it looks like there will be a celebration later.

The picture is of all my Christmas things.  The beer was a lovely surprise from Vivek which I am enjoying as I write this. The present is from Sam - and Sam's Mum of course.  The red bananas I saw in a shop and bought them immediately as I really love them and I don't see them very often.  They are very expensive but I thought it would make a good Christmas present for myself.  I also got a nice new temporary crown as the original one disintegrated this morning at breakfast and the dentist managed to get a nice new shiny one by the time I went to see her at lunch time.  It feels very good and I am very pleased.

A day of images

This afternoon Joachim came with some wonderful images of David's cremation which included two video clips.  Then Tom (in the picture) came to show us the completed film about organic farming which he shot earlier this year in several Auroville farms.

This has been a day of looking at images, yet it is difficult to find an image that really represents today.

David's cremation

My friend David died very suddenly last Wednesday and ever since then I have been focusing on that which I have found very challenging.  He died on the way to hospital and I have found myself involved with all the paperwork required to make sure that everything is done properly according to Indian and English law.  I have also had a difficult time with the person who lived in the same house as him who seemed to feel the way to get things done was just to steam roller ahead not thinking about the feelings of others.  To be fair she was very freaked out by it all - she had never seen a dead body before and had been very fond of David who she felt was like a surrogate father.

I have been speaking with his daughter in the UK who had to give me authorisation for all the paperwork as she couldn't come to India as she was pregnant.  It was so sad as she lost the baby yesterday.  I tried to protect her as much as I could, but it was very difficult.

At the cremation I had the most incredible experience as they covered his face.  Suddenly everything got incredibly light.  It was wonderful and a lovely gift for this day which is the winter equinox.

Buddha Garden map

This is an annotated map of Buddha Garden which I created to go with a long and involved explanation about some land encroachment which is going on.  This is being done by a neighbour who owns plot 181/2 and who is a very difficult person to deal with.  Writing about what happened when I first came to Buddha Garden - how he constantly cut our telephone cable and made life very difficult for us - took me back to how I felt at that time.  

I want to deal with this land problem in a way that doesn't start another similar saga which sapped a lot of my energy.

A snowflake

To help get into the Christmas spirit I made myself a snowflake on the animated Advent Calendar that I have on my computer.  

Well at least its something for Christmas in yet another day when I have been distracted by a very long 'to do' list.

Christmas is coming!

This picture of my niece Matilda making the Christmas cake reminds me that Christmas is coming!!  I did all my Christmas stuff quite a while ago and have now almost forgotten about it. I have been so busy and in any case it is not a big festival here. 

I remember I used to like making the cake and all the other special Christmas food.  At one time I had a very good line of hand made sweets that I used to give away as presents.  

A blank canvas

I went to a yoga workshop very early this morning and as a result have been feeling that my brains have gone to a mush, almost like being drunk.  This morning when I was talking to people I had a bad case of verbal diarrhea and saying the stupidest things.  Just rabbiting on about nothing in particular.

Despite that I had a nice afternoon sleep and managed to get a lot of things done this afternoon which included sorting out a lot of my bank standing orders to the new account.  I also de-junked my table and computer desk and everything feels much cleaner and clearer.  Hopefully this energy will continue so I can de-junk a few more cupboards and other stuff in the next week.

After the busyness of the last few weeks and feeling that I am barely keeping up with everything I suddenly feel I have space to do things like creating pictures. What happens?  I have a completely blank canvas!  That is what the picture is about - all the busyness, the squashy brain and then the blank canvas.

The winter solstice is very soon so perhaps its just that everything unnecessary is being cleared out ready for the new to flow in.

Feeling lighter

Came back from yoga and realised I felt much lighter than I have done this past week or so.  I think its mainly that with the rainy day last week and today with no farm work I have managed to plough through a lot of paperwork.  I even had time to do this picture tonight.

Its only a doodle but it expresses pretty much how I feel.  The sun was how I experienced it yesterday just as it burst through in the morning.  I looked up and it was like a bright fire on the horizon.

I am having a lot of problems finding enough time to do these pictures and I haven't written anything for some weeks.  Although fortunately I still feel engaged with what I have written.  Its all this extra note taking and admin work I have taken on doesn't leave me much time for creative work.

A benefit of rain

I sat inside for most of the day catching up on all my computer work.  This has included various things for the Buddha Garden fund raising which has included this poster for the notice board.

I seem to have been doing a lot of work with images recently, but mostly photos rather than creating my own pictures.

Outside my door

It has rained all day, the last gasp of the monsoon I think.  We got soaked working this morning and then the rest of the day I have been doing computer work.  

I took this picture of what it was like just outside my door with the idea that it would show the greyness of the day.  In fact it shows the neon bright green of everything in the rain!

So not what I expected.

Home of a carpenter bee

Last year we built a volunteer cabin using materials that were lying around in Buddha Garden.  This year we find that the place has been taken over by carpenter bees.  As the picture shows, they make the most beautiful round holes, one for each bee.  They have the most beautiful, huge turquoise eyes and are very large so they look a bit frightening.  They are not very aggressive, however, and rarely sting as the male doesn't have a stinger and the female only stings in extreme circumstances.

There are so many of them, however, that I don't think any volunteer will want to stay there, so we will have to take it down.  In that area we are going to build a new kitchen so we will need the space.  We will find a new place for the wood so that they can continue living there.

Poster

This is a poster I have just designed for the course we are going to do to raise money for Foodlink farm.  I feel really shaky - I think because I pushed myself too much to do this.  I was going to do the Vegetable group meeting notes before going to bed, but that is a bridge too far.

All it needs is the Foodlink logo and I think it will be fine.  After that it will be a case of getting it printed, laminated and distributed, but perhaps I can get some volunteers to help me with that.

Wobbly

There is so much happening at the moment.  So many things to be taken care of.  I feel like I am walking on wobbly stepping stones through a rushing river.  I am surrounded by very dynamic energy - a bit too dynamic sometimes when I just can't fall asleep or wake up very early with ideas and thoughts swirling around in my brain.

I feel that I have to keep my eyes on the horizon, balance carefully and move forward step by step.  

Poster

I feel I have been chained to the computer today, yet again, trying to do all the jobs that need doing.  I managed to have a really nice lunch with Ashok in Pondy although we had to do some shopping for bedding for volunteers.  It was much more fun doing it with someone rather than on my own.

This is our Introduction Workshop poster which also includes something about our fund raising campaign.  I realise that I have also got to do the website and the thank you cards for those people who donate at the introductory course.  

Hopefully that can all be done by next weekend.

Today I have been doing this blog for one year and have managed to do a picture most days.  Originally I hoped that I would be able to make a book out of it, but when I can't imagine when I am going to have time to do that.

Our first brick

This is the first poster of our 'brick by brick' fund raising campaign made with the first donation.

There is still a lot to do with setting up the website to provide information and donation links, but this is a start.

A welcome evening out

Today I had a very welcome evening out.  I feel I have so many things to do and not enough time to do them all.  Although often I find there is time to do the things that really need doing.

This is a picture of Karl whose mind ranges over a very wide range of things and so did our conversation.  It was a very welcome break from trying to get everything done.  Even if the so called 'baby corn fry masala' consisted of lumps of fried flour and few corn seeds!  It tasted OK but was obviously food to interest the mouth rather than nurture the body.

Wanting clarity

I have so much information about so many things banging around in my head at the moment that I am finding it very difficult to find clarity about what we should do in Buddha Garden.  Vivek has the idea to build another kitchen and then turn the present kitchen and dormitory into a much bigger dormitory that would have light at night and a lot more space.  We need better volunteer accommodation and this would provide it.

Problem is it would cost around Rs5laks and we would have to take a loan that would take probably five years to repay.  And during that time we would not be able to take on another loan for anything.  Plus of course we would have to continue paying half our maintenances and so on.  It is a big commitment to make and I don't feel that energy to go for it.

As I was walking back from talking to Vivek about it I saw this enormous frog and so I asked him (or probably her!) about it.  But there was no answer....

I know this is a problem that I cannot think through.  Somehow I have to get that clarity which enables me to jump towards the right solution, but at the moment this is eluding me.

It all came rushing back

It was so unexpected seeing this picture and for a moment I felt really confused as to whether Peter was dead or alive.  There was a split second of a delighted feeling that I would see him again followed almost instantaneously by the remembrance that I never will.  All the feelings I had when he died came rushing back as if it had happened yesterday.

It may not be at the forefront of my consciousness but these feelings are with me every day.

Farm group meeting

Had a Farm group meeting today which, although in some ways quite productive, also included a not very edifying fight between several members.  There were some not very nice racial remarks and it concluded when two member left.

As I have been writing the notes it struck me that the energy of the meeting was very cloudy brown and that anything that happened, however positive, was tinged with that.  This is what I have tried to express in the picture.

Christmas......

The last two days - a weekend when I feel I should have had some time off - has been unrelenting.  So much is happening and it has been one job after another which feels like a treadmill.  Despite this I feel that things are getting completed although once one thing is done there is immediately something else that needs to be tackled.

For the last week I have been trying to find time to wrap and send my Christmas presents.  I had planned to do it over the weekend but couldn't find the time as I didn't seem to have a spare minute.  Somehow I found the time this morning, maybe because I knew I just HAD to do it, otherwise they wouldn't arrive in time.

I made everything as simple as possible using cloth bags instead of wrapping paper.  The parcel in the picture is for my sister Anna and her children and consists of lots of nice smelly things that they can share out.  Once I got to the Post Office I was able to take advantage of their new computerised system for parcels where a sticky label is produced which is stuck on the parcel, rather than having to glue on lots of stamps.  So that part of the process was relatively easy.

Sun at this time of year

At this time of year, at dawn and at sunset, the sun seems to shimmer with an intensity not seen at other times of the year.  Often there seems to be wisps of blue cloud about and sometimes the sun is hidden behind this hazy cloud.  Yet still it seems to shimmer with intensity.

It is very hard to get shimmering intensity into a picture.

Bittersweet day

Today is Peter's death day and when I went out to a really beautiful morning I could have cried.  I felt that if I wasn't careful I would get completely overwhelmed by what happened 18 years ago.

A group of students came to experience working in the garden and they were really lovely.  They were bright, interested and focused and seemed to really enjoy themselves as well as soaking up everything I had to tell them.

Peter used to be a teacher and I know he would have loved this group.  

My new glass bottle!

I've wanted one of these for quite some time - ever since I realised that the plastic bottle which I have used for carrying my juice around was probably not very good for me.  The plastic went very red and I wasn't sure that some of the plastic chemicals weren't leaching into the drink.  Although there was no peculiar taste or anything like that.

I thought it would be good to have a glass bottle, glass being very inert.  I looked around for one in various places but couldn't find one either for sale or just lying around.  Then today I saw this one in Foodlink that had been bought to be sold for those customers that want milk.  They also provide plastic bottles but they are very difficult to sterilize properly after they have had milk in them.

Sivakala makes me hibiscus juice for lunch and that is the red liquid in the bottle.  It looked lovely when the sun shone through it but I was unable to take a photograph that did it justice.

Amazing how the things I really need turn up in the most unexpected places.

My home

I went to Foodlink farm this evening as I wanted to see how they were getting on.  It was really wonderful as they had managed to plant half the fruit trees and quite a lot of glyricidea as well as doing half of the fence.  I took a lot of pictures but this was the one I really liked.

I think it is something to do with the quality of the light and the shadows,  but I also like the line of palmyra trees.  There is something about it that makes me think of home, which is where my heart is, which is here.

Everything spinning

On Thursday I had a really bad vertigo attack.  I was sitting at my computer in the evening and working very intensively, feeling at times that my eyes were out on stalks.  At one point I looked up and then everything started spinning.  

It was a horrible sensation that made me feel very sick and my stomach churn.  I lay down and the only thing that would stop the spinning was to look at something and not move my head.  My stomach felt bad for a while so that I couldn't eat any supper although eventually the spinning sensation stopped and I felt fine the next morning.

What I have tried to express in the picture is the spinning sensation of everything within my eyes and head and how everything looked rather blurry.

Fortunately everything has been fine since then but I guess if it happens again I will have to go and see someone about it.

Foodlink farm

This is a picture of the four people involved with the starting  Foodlink farm.  The Farm group has had this land for two to three years but nothing has happened - mainly because we don't have proper funds for the well, pump and store room which are the minimum infrastructure needed to start a farm.  Finally Vivek and I thought we should do something just to get some activity going on the land.

The problem is that there is a dispute over the fencing at the other end of the land from where this group are pictured.  The owner of the land next to Auroville land wants the fence two feet inside the Auroville boundary and Auroville is refusing to do this.  It will start a precedent so that every other neighbour will want the same.  The problem is that herds of cows come in which makes it impossible to grow anything.

We therefore decided to make an internal fence around a small area where we are going to plant an orchard. The holes have been dug for the pillars that are lying on the ground and we had the meeting to talk about how we are going to plant the trees.  Since there is no water we will have to have it brought in some how and we want to have different methods of irrigation on show.  Eventually the farm will function as an information hub about farming in Auroville and the bio-region.

Once we have something growing we are going to take people around the land as a way of raising money.  Vivek is also going to do a farm planning course during the first week of January.  I am going to start a blog and eventually put up a website.

No signals coming my way

My internet went off suddenly last Saturday during the very heavy rain and has stayed off ever since then.  Yesterday we went to the Telephone office to get another WiMax system (we need two) and hoped that if there was something wrong with mine we would put up the spare one.

We tried all the things they suggested at the office and nothing worked so then we put up the new system and that didn't work either.  It must be because we are not getting a signal.

Why did it go off so suddenly? And why are we having such problems with our internet when we need it so badly for the work we do?  I have to make sure I have at least two back up systems otherwise I cannot manage to get all my work done.....

Why won't the signals come our way??

bucket full of bugs

While Pierre was weeding a very overgrown bed this morning he came across a large variety of creepy crawlies that he put into the bucket.  

We couldn't decide about the scorpion which was the variety that doesn't have pincers on its tail.  I thought they didn't bite but merely squirted stinky stuff at you, but several people thought they did that and would bite as well.

I love the way that the red bug hitched a ride on the snail to take it right up to the top of the bucket!

Ploughing

Today we had a tractor came in to plough what used to be the wild food garden.  We planted a lot of trees and bushes in 2011 that would have given us food except they got got blown away in the cyclone that came later in the year. 

Since then we have done nothing with the land except plant a few random trees. There were a lot of weeds growing as a result of all the rain which is why we decided to plough. We put pipes up near existing trees so they didn't get uprooted and we cleared as much grass as we could from the soil.

I took quite a few pictures but particularly like this one because of how it shows the red soil and the beautiful straight lines

Spinning

I feel I have dealt with so many different things today - some of them very complicated - as well as seeing a lot of people about a lot of different things. Trying to write stuff up this evening I felt as if everything was spinning.

As the picture shows, things are spinning around me rather than inside me although it is making me feel quite cross eyed.  My head feels rather tense with it all so perhaps I need to let some pressure out.

Or do something completely different like drawing a picture!

Cool season?

This morning I noticed that my jar of coconut oil had solidified.  This signals that the temperature has gone down, but does it mean that the cool season has started?

After all the rain this morning was very misty - usually a sign of the starting of the cool season.  It was also a sunny day with a clear blue sky - another sign.  But it is only mid November and usually the monsoon is expected to last another four weeks until mid December.

We shall have to wait and see what happens......

Depression passing over

Woke up to a lot of rain as a depression passes over.  Its very dark and grey and I should imagine that it is too dark for the solar system to work the pumps should we need them.  Although of course one of the advantages of the rain is that we don't need to water.

As the wind is blowing my room is full of a very fine spray.  I never did get the rest of the windows properly covered with plastic.  So I hope it doesn't last too long although the forecast says it will carry on for the rest of today.

Fortunately I have a good book to read and will lose myself in the adventures of Ankh Morpork!

Meeting

I know this is not a very good picture, but I am tired and this is the best I could manage.  Despite the picture being rough and ready I think it gives a pretty good representation of what I was doing in a meeting this afternoon.  Stirring the shit!

I have been in this group before which is considered one of the most important? influential? in Auroville.  The agenda always consists of a long list of 'problems' or 'issues' that have to be 'solved'.  Problem is, its very difficult for this group to do anything given that it doesn't often have the support of other groups and even when it does, it is actually very difficult - because of how things are organised here - to actually do anything.  

I feel that all we do on these occasions is stir everything up - stirring the shit - and talking as we do about what should happen, what we would like to see happen etc.  Which is usually a complete waste of time and energy. When I was the Farm group representative in this group last time I used to get very upset and frustrated about everything and as the only woman representative I often felt out of step with everyone else.  

Although I didn't get upset today I feel it may be because I have got rather cynical about the whole exercise.  I'm not sure that this is necessarily a better approach although I guess it is probably better for my blood pressure!

Passionate outburst

This is how my head looked earlier today when I had a very passionate outburst in the Farm group office.  We were having a discussion about how the Solar Kitchen wants to get produce from farms cheaper than what it costs to actually produce the food.  Obviously the Solar Kitchen wants to keep food costs down but does so at the expense of the farmers.

I was also annoyed at some of the farmers who are supplying Solar Kitchen and are worried that their biggest customer will not take their produce.  They don't seem to realise that if they are going to take less than it costs to produce their food over a period of time eventually the farm won't be financially viable.  And then they will come to the Farm group with their hands out for money.

I got so cross and exasperated by the fact that neither the Solar Kitchen or some of the farmers will listen to what I am saying.  So then I start to shout and that doesn't get me anywhere because everyone just turns off.  I also frequently get told that 'this is the situation and we have have to put up with it.'

This is supposed to be a place where we have 'new' ways of doing things when in fact the Solar Kitchen is acting like the worst sort of capitalist entrepreneur.  Screwing everyone to get the best possible price.

I feel very passionately that we should be trying to do something different, but I guess this is just one more thing that I will have to acknowledge is not going to happen.  What a disappointment. 

Hazy sun

As I came back from yoga the sun was coming through the haze in a ball of orange.  Unfortunately I haven't managed to capture the way it seemed to glow through the mist.  Maybe I will need another go tomorrow.

I have manged to find another vpn connection that works better and is cheaper than the one I was trying to get to work.  Losing the iPad somehow made me focus on getting something else that actually worked.

Losing the old allowed something new and better in.......

Bye bye iPad

Today I am saying goodbye to my iPad.  I am surprised at how sad I feel - its only an iPad, a thing, for goodness sake.  At times it has irritated me a lot because it won't sync easily with my PC.  My new tablet does that so much better but I am having problems getting it to do everything that the iPad did.  The thing I know I will miss the most is the vpn connection and access to BBC TV.  Already I find though, that I am putting a lot more energy into my other devices to get them to do what I want.  So maybe in the end I will sort it out to my satisfaction.

We really need the money from the iPad now so I can't hang onto it any longer.  I cannot justify having just one device to watch TV.

In the picture the iPad looks happy to be leaving and I think its going to a good home!

Tooth remains

My teeth are in such a state!  I broke one last week which I have had repaired, but today a tooth that broke while I was in the UK has crumbled.  The dentist packed it with some sort of filling which fell out while I was talking today.

In the picture the bits of tooth look like something completely different. More like rocks in the sun.  It reminds me of recent pictures from Mars which some people say show fossilized lizards.

It also reminds me that I am getting old although the dentist seems to think my teeth will be good for another twenty years.  But maybe she was just being polite and hopeful!

My pyramid

This morning I went to help a friend of mine at a sale of stones and jewelery for a shop that is no longer in business.  I was able to get some nice ear rings as Christmas presents and also found myself very attracted to this pyramid which I brought home with me.

I love seeing it on my desk as it seems to concentrate a lot of energy.  I love also the way it reflects the outside on its shiny surface.

I have decided I must get rid of my iPad this weekend as we have completely run out of money. Vivek is arranging a loan but I really feel I must do my bit and I don't need the iPad with all the other electronic gizmos at my disposal.  It means giving up watching BBC TV though as I can't get the VPN line to work on any of my other devices.  Oh well, I'm sure I will get used to living without it.

Perhaps my pyramid will help concentrate my mind to sort out the VPN line.

Distorted

Its been a day when there have been some quite difficult moments. Perhaps the worst was when I found out that I had lost all the notes of this morning's meeting.  I didn't save the file properly and it reverted to an earlier version.   I was really cross as we had had a complicated discussion on the basis of which I am supposed to write an official paper.  Then just as I was trying to deal with this a potential client phoned up.

These moments of tension have been a feature of the whole day.

I was doodling trying to find an image to express today and this woman was the result.  I think it is me and how I get all distorted when I allow my negativity to get the better of me.  I know it doesn't help the situation to get stressed and upset but somehow my emotions take over.

In the end and having tried to write the minutes I don't think they will be as bad as I thought.  Maybe my memory is not as bad as I think!

Letting go of pressure

Last night I was having a dreadful time getting off to sleep.  Yesterday I had found out that I will be going to a difficult meeting once a week, representing the farm group.  When I did the job last time I found it very difficult indeed and ended up getting very burnt out.  

I was hoping that maybe I had learnt how to do it without making myself ill.  But last night I didn't think that was so. As I realised that having agreed to attend these meetings ideas about people and issues churned around in my head stopping me from sleeping.  I was quite despairing about the effect this was going to have on my health.

Then, out of the blue, I had a very strong image of my head being full of holes through which the pressure came out.  It was astounding how within thirty seconds of imagining this my body felt relaxed and very soon after that I was able to go to sleep.

Today the image is very much with me and every time I feel pressure inside me, I just imagine letting go of it through the holes in my head.  I am amazed at how it helps me relax very quickly and hope this is a long term solution for me to let go of pressure inside me.

I cannot get over how powerful this image is for me.

Sun shadows

I noticed the winter sun for the first time today as in the afternoons it is closer to the horizon and shines more directly into my room.

I noticed that it made some lovely patterns on the dead palmyra trees outside my window so that is the picture for today.

Next Friday I start in the FAMC again and hope I will be able to cope with it better than I did last time.

Difficult day

The real monsoon has arrived with grey skies and heavy rain, although not all the time fortunately, with  the rain holding off long enough this morning so that we could work.  After a busy morning everything seemed to go wrong this afternoon.

It started off with the wifi not working properly, which it appeared could have been something to do with the wireless router as much as the WiMax signal.  I fiddled around with it for ages and fear that I might have completely screwed up the whole system.  Rajan came to try and help but couldn't get anything working and says that he will go to BSNL in Pondy tomorrow.

Then while Rajan was in my room he noticed that my new large packet of cashews was covered in ants.  Looking at the packet I saw that it hadn't been sealed properly.  I was SO upset as those cashews are expensive but I didn't know how to get rid of the ants when there is no sun like today.  Fortunately Rajan came to the rescue showing me how to heat up the nuts dry in a pan so that all the ants disappear, although it is a mystery as to where they disappear to.  I didn't see them crawling out of the pan and maybe they got charred with the nuts.

As the picture shows, I was a bit over enthusiastic in my heating. I found that the nuts have a very different and rather nice taste after they have gone through this process.  So it wasn't all bad.

Spotty glasses

I don't often look at myself in the mirror, but was surprised a few days ago to see my glasses looking somewhat diseased with spots of tarnish on them!

These were expensive glasses that I bought when I was in the UK but it is obvious they cannot cope with the conditions here in India.  There is no question of getting another pair, but perhaps when the frames are completely tarnished they will just look as if they are another colour.

Lets hope its not the first step of the frames disintegrating completely!

Very quiet day

Today has been Diwali, the festival of light, and everything has been closed up.  I have had a very quiet day, talking only to three people and one of them was on skype!  Yet on the outside it has been quite noisy with fire crackers going off the whole day although as I write this they are starting to calm down.

I think this picture is like the inside of my head - full of things barely seen or understood.